Thanks sunshine!! I hate that so many of us are here, but in some odd way it helps to not be alone in this.
I am finally focused on what makes me happy and no longer trying to fix him. I can't and really don't want to fix him. He is doing nothing productive to help himself or for that matter be the best him for our kids. He is doing everything destructive. I don't want a part of that. My kids need me to be strong for them.
Ugh. I'm sorry. I've been there, and lived the anxiety of every red flag waving, but nothing absolutely concrete. It makes for an incredibly stressful life, especially when coupled w/a moody, anxious husband.
I have to admit, I thought I might have pushed you away from here, in stressing the need to get to the truth. I'm so glad you posted an update.
The saying, "The truth will set you free." is incredibly appropriate here.
- if he's innocent, you're dealing w/a possible WAS and need to use a different set if tools in DBing - if he's guilty, you have some choices to make. The first being... Can you forgive infidelity again? If so, the affair needs to be blown wide open, and dealt with, to see his desires for moving forward. If not, you need to get to a L BEFORE you react, and let him know of your desires/actions.
How are the boys? I know they're sensitive to your feelings/moods, and know Dads behavior is the base of the problems... That's a lot for them to carry, as they intrinsically want/need to rely on and trust both parents, and they're not little guys anymore.
I'm glad you're through the stress of the holidays, and being present w/relatives.
Funny you mention your IL's party. We were planning and throwing my parents 40th anniversary at about the same time. I look at the pics now, and see the sorrow behind my eyes. . They had no idea...
Be well my friend. Keep us posted.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Yes there are some serious red flags, but nothing concrete which is confusing. You don't delete like that unless you are hiding something, obviously. I think I have come to a conclusion that regardless of whether there is an EA or PA or OW, that is not the bottom line. The bottom line he has been a WAS for 10 months. He has been distant and mooody, recreating history, downright mean to me, affecting the mood of the house, etc.
I was working on detaching before and doing just ok at it, not great. When I saw the red flags yesterday I was able to fully detach and quite easily. I got sad for a few minutes and then I got downright angry. I didn't show him, but I didn't respond to him at all. He texted me at the end of the day saying "i got the sense you didn't want to be bothered today at all, so I didn't"
I told him that I would be going out with a friend last night and the kids were all taken care of. He said "have fun'
Last night when I got home, he said hello and said "i'm going to bed". I hung out with the kids for a while watching basketball.
This morning, he was trying to be affectionate, just hugging me before he got up for work. Wouldn't let go and actually made himself late for work. I didn't respond, but didn't push him away at all. When he tried to kiss me, I kissed his forehead. He said "I love you" almost in a sad and questioning way. He said it repeatedly.
Today I am working part time and visiting some family that I didn't see over Christmas, with the boys. He asked me to pass on his best.
So as I am drinking my coffee, he called on his way to work. He apologized for going to bed right away and said "I can imagine how that must have looked, as if I didn't want to see you. It was not my intention, I was exhausted and had a few drinks while you were out"
I thanked him and said it was nice of him to call.
I am still feeling extremely detached, it has never felt this easy which makes me a bit uneasy. I feel almost numb today.
My plan is to enjoy my father and my kids today. Nothing else.
Tomorrow is the anniversary party so I have a lot of last minute planning to do, meeting the caterer, etc. I'm happy to do it for my IL's, they are good people.
Happy New Year!! You are so right sunshine, it really feels like a breakthrough and I continue to remain detached, which feels very good for me.
We had the anniversary party and it was a success. I had a chance to visit with family members that I haven't seen in a while and spent very little time with H, which was fine. It was actually by my choice. I was there to enjoy myself.
NYE we had people here and it was pleasant, we do it every year. Had a good time with friends. Got midnight texts from other good friends and kept my focus on the positive. H and I were getting along fine but I was remaining detached. Truly detached.
NY day was spent watching movies as a family, no talk..just movie time. That evening as we were going to bed, we had a disagreement. He did something that seemed off, and it triggered me slightly. I didn't intend to say anything but ended up telling him that I noticed while he was texting the other day, that he had deleted ALL of his texts. I said it seemed awfully strange. We went to sleep but once the kids went to school yesterday the conversation continued.
He wanted to assure me that he was not having an A, had not had one since we reconciled years ago. He admitted to being distant, not very nice to me in recent months. He still doesn't really know why.
On his own, he said he would no longer bring his phone to the bathroom, will stop deleting texts and shared his pw with me.
His reasons for deleting were my accusations and feeling like I was falsely accusing, and checked his phone one time a few months ago.
When asked my feelings, I said "I want my M, and have not spoken with a L. I've only been talking to a counselor" I also said "I can't continue with this M, it doesn't work as it is. I think we both deserve more and I'm unhappy with things as they are"
I got up and left to run some errands, didn't want to talk too much at this point. I wanted to be able to remain detached and not say the wrong thing.
I got a text message from him saying 'i really do love you, and I am sorry for the way that I have treated you. I don't want to lose you and I hope its not too late'
We did our own thing all morning. By lunch time we both ended up at home, he asked me to take the dog to the park with him. We took a 2 mile walk, no talking, just walking
I think I will make an appt with my DB coach for this week.
. They had no idea...