Together since we were 15.

[Jenna333]

I keep hoping he'll stop all of this and come home. We talked about child support today. He talks as if this is permanent, but when he opens up about it, says he doesn't know if it is or not.

[Jenna333]

He just called to tell me what the child support office said and to tell me he'll be by in less than an hour to get the kids for a little bit.

He brought up the R, so we talked about it. He said he's so proud of me for the changes that he's seeing in me so far. I told him after we slept together 2 nights ago that I felt like I had been in a codependent coma our entire relationship. He said he had no idea and that he's so glad I told him that. He once again asked me if I feel awkward about the other night, and said that he doesn't. I said that I don't, but that I don't want it to happen again because I'm not interested in being friends with benefits or in being used. He said he agrees, but that he views the other night more as a goodbye and a make up for the last time we'd had sex, which was the day before he dropped the bomb. It was uncomfortable and just not good. We were both upset that we'd left it on that note. That sounds ridiculous, I know. I told him that sex with him means something different for him than it does for me, and that I don't want it to confuse me. He said he doesn't want to confuse me anymore. So, I'm wondering if this means he'll be keeping his flirty behavior to a minimum from now on. Probably not.

He said he doesn't know what he wants right now, and that nobody knows what the future holds, but that we're not good for each other right now, and we need to focus on ourselves as individuals. He said I can't just expect him to come running back. I don't know, something in his tone tells me that a part of him wants to do exactly that, but he's worried that it would undo the progress I've made, and a big part of him really IS confused about what he wants.

[Jenna333]

Well, I have an appointment tomorrow morning to tour the school I'll most likely be starting at in 3 weeks. I have my first therapy appointment next Monday.

All of these changes are 180s for me.

[greenblue90]

You're in better shape than you think, keep being the new you, and never let the old you back. If you are genuine and consistent in your actions, he won't be back because he believes you changed, but because he fell in love with you again. In the next couple of months he'll swing back and forth this is normal don't let it get to you. Just be the best person you can be with or without him.

Things are better than you think trust me.

[Jenna333]

Thanks for the support, Green.

[Jenna333]

School appointment went very well! It looks like I'll be starting on the 17th. Wow, I'm learning to be an independent person. I'm loving it. If ex knows what's good for him, he'll come running back to me! I'm breaking this codependent lifestyle and learning to make my own happiness.

[greenblue90]

Way to go!

It's GB by the way

Does he know the good news yet? If he doesn't be ready for anything, he may be happy for you, he may throw a tantrum. Most likely he'll hide his true emotions, remember this if he reacts negatively. Any sign of you moving on will probably jolt his system whether he decides to react positively or not is anyone's guess.

Just be ready and don't read too much into it.

Many WAS need to feel threatened to lose you before they realize their mistake. Just keep your head up high and don't let anything he says or does knock you off your high.

[purgatory]

I just caught up on your sitch... (((jenna)))

So glad you chose to take the high road and come to this site/board. Even though you guys haven't been married, you DO have kids and that makes DBing and important part of your sitch.

A few things that caught my attention:
"but I am not looking to be friends with benefits with him. I am worth more than that."
This ^^^^^ is a very powerful statement... if you ever start to fall back into that pattern, remember that YOU told YOURSELF this!

I'm super happy for you that you are going to school and starting an individual life.... even though I'm sure you are scared sh!tless!! This will be a great step in making a new life for you. Many of us on here feel that if we move on and take those steps, than we are giving up on the R.... this is not the case. Keep taking steps for yours/your kids futures.

"I'm breaking this codependent lifestyle and learning to make my own happiness."
This is really impressive that you are able to make such a bold statement so soon into your sitch... I see good things for you! There are a few posters that have talked about their co-dependant sitchs and what they have done to fix it- sunshine76 and labug are a few that come to mind. They have read some books and even found support groups to work on co-dependant tendencies.


So sad that you've had to come here, but so happy that you chose to!! I took my H for granted over the past 9 years as well, I had my own demons to work through and I've only really been able to come out of my 'fog' in the past year, turns out that H had been patient long enough- and no matter what I was doing right, it was too late. Feel free to stop by my posts and read my VERY long first post (you're not the only one Too little, too late.)

Start to think about other things you can do to GAL. I know that money and the kids are issues, check out meetup.com- I found a 'single moms' group in my area and I've met some women who are in similar sitchs and my kids have been able to make new friends- at no cost to me!!

[Jenna333]

Thanks for the responses, GB and purgatory I've been reading through your thread today, purgatory. Big hugs for you.

My strength has actually surprised the hell out of me thus far. I'd been extremely dependent on my ex for almost 9 years. I basically lived through him. But I'm coping. I'm getting used to sleeping alone. What I miss the most is the talking, the close friendship. I yearn for that bond with him. We catch glimmers of it in our interactions now.

Yes, he knows about my school news. He says he's very proud of me. Today he called me a diamond in the rough. He is feeling pretty low about his own life at the moment, though. Hating his job, his grades were not very good this past semester, he can't sleep.

I understand that it will come and go, but I've found that the more I focus on my new life, the less desperate I am for him to come home. I'm more convinced that I will be able to create my own security and happiness. Then I will be able to handle a relationship. Of course I hope that relationship will be with my kids' father, but maybe it won't be. He doesn't seem to be working on himself at all. I know he's extremely unhappy where he's staying and he is stressed about money, etc. He made this choice, though.

Oh, and the vocational rehab counselor (friend and client of my mother's) who has helped me get on my feet called me this afternoon to offer me a job! It won't be starting until March or April, and it won't be many hours, but it's $15/hr and great work experience in the clerical field! Pretty darn good for my first ever job. I feel like I'm making a good impression on those that I'm meeting. It really helps my self-confidence

This probably sounds like it's coming out of left field, but I'll share anyway. The less attached I feel to my ex, the more I feel I can handle a FWB-type situation. If nothing else, I can rock his world and he has to think about how I'm not his anymore afterward. Neither of us are seeing other people as of yet (it's only been 3 weeks tomorrow, and he had never cheated). If I can keep an upper hand on it, maybe it can work more in my favor. Maybe not, and I'm just hoping. Before I thought I couldn't handle it because in a way he'd be using me. I figure if I'm using him, too, it won't be so hurtful. It may even be fun and exciting. I've lost the walls that I had up during our R They don't seem to matter anymore. He feels a connection to me during sex, whether he wants to or not.

[greenblue90]

It's really a tough call on FWB

You build the risk of creating a comfort zone where neither of you has to work on yourselfs because the physical connection is still there. Besides what happens when you find someone else? What will that do to your "friendship". What if he finds someone else how will you handle that?

Wanting to stay FWB sounds like codependent bargaining to me.

Personally I think that WAS need to see the full repercussion of their actions before they even begin to realize what they signed up for.

A FWB arrangement may just prolong the time before he snaps out of it.

Just stop and think if you really don't have a romantic relationship, then you are just having sex for fun. If that's the case then why not have this sex with someone who is willing to be a committed partner?

Aren't you worthy of having both sex and a loving relationship?

Sex and physical connection is a love language, he has been craving this for a while, and it took him leaving for you to start providing it.

I think you're better off explaining to him that you now realize that, and that well you would LOVE to make him feel loved in that way. Despite that it hurts to know that you want to provide all this physical affection to him, but he can't even commit to working on the relationship with you.

Let him know you still have a lot of love for him, but it's not fair unless he is willing to love you back.

Whoever decided that men are pigs who only want sex to fulfill base desires did a lot of harm to relationships in general. There is a lot of love involved in sex. More importantly men feel loved by it.

Even from a purely physical sense when you choose to mate with him, there is no greater compliment you can provide him. It means he is worthy of risking a possible pregnancy.

Make him feel wanted by you, at the same time remind him that in order to be a quality mate he needs to man up, and provide the love and support that is his duty.