Together since we were 15.

[Jenna333]

Thanks for the responses, GB and purgatory I've been reading through your thread today, purgatory. Big hugs for you.

My strength has actually surprised the hell out of me thus far. I'd been extremely dependent on my ex for almost 9 years. I basically lived through him. But I'm coping. I'm getting used to sleeping alone. What I miss the most is the talking, the close friendship. I yearn for that bond with him. We catch glimmers of it in our interactions now.

Yes, he knows about my school news. He says he's very proud of me. Today he called me a diamond in the rough. He is feeling pretty low about his own life at the moment, though. Hating his job, his grades were not very good this past semester, he can't sleep.

I understand that it will come and go, but I've found that the more I focus on my new life, the less desperate I am for him to come home. I'm more convinced that I will be able to create my own security and happiness. Then I will be able to handle a relationship. Of course I hope that relationship will be with my kids' father, but maybe it won't be. He doesn't seem to be working on himself at all. I know he's extremely unhappy where he's staying and he is stressed about money, etc. He made this choice, though.

Oh, and the vocational rehab counselor (friend and client of my mother's) who has helped me get on my feet called me this afternoon to offer me a job! It won't be starting until March or April, and it won't be many hours, but it's $15/hr and great work experience in the clerical field! Pretty darn good for my first ever job. I feel like I'm making a good impression on those that I'm meeting. It really helps my self-confidence

This probably sounds like it's coming out of left field, but I'll share anyway. The less attached I feel to my ex, the more I feel I can handle a FWB-type situation. If nothing else, I can rock his world and he has to think about how I'm not his anymore afterward. Neither of us are seeing other people as of yet (it's only been 3 weeks tomorrow, and he had never cheated). If I can keep an upper hand on it, maybe it can work more in my favor. Maybe not, and I'm just hoping. Before I thought I couldn't handle it because in a way he'd be using me. I figure if I'm using him, too, it won't be so hurtful. It may even be fun and exciting. I've lost the walls that I had up during our R They don't seem to matter anymore. He feels a connection to me during sex, whether he wants to or not.