WHG: When last we heard from our action hero...

[workinghardguy]

Journaling... W is off to her night shift and SS and SD are at their dad's until Sunday. Just S and I tonight. We had fun. Played games, both board and video, together and just hung out.

A poignant moment from before W left for work. I came downstairs from my nap and she was customizing her XBox avatar. One of the options is "rings". S saw that and told her to put rings on her avatar. She asked why... S's response, "because then everyone knows you're married" Oh the things kids say...

Been a tough day. Been fairly emotional most of the day. W looking at rental houses and D talk just has me a bit raw. I know it's all coming and I just don't want the kids to go through it. I just wish I could protect them.

House my W looked at didn't meet her needs/wants. She was a little grumpy all day over that. It was about $250-$350/month less than other houses around here. That extra $$ in her budget really would've helped her. I don't feel too bad that things aren't just falling into place for her.

So here I sit... sad and a bit depressed. Had a great night with S... I just cant's shut my brain off from wondering what he'll be like after we blow up his world. Will he be the same loving, caring, happy, funny little boy? How will the D change him... what are we doing all in the name of my W's happiness. I guess what frustrates me the most is that there isn't a part of me that believes she will be happier post-D than she is now. Parts of her may be happier, but other parts won't be. I see it as a zero sum game. The most significant things making her unhappy are inside of her, and since she won't deal with those it's like rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic... at least in my view.

So here I sit... filling out financial disclosure paperwork. It's not for our D papers; it's for the filing to get more child support from XH. But one financial disclosure is another... it simply paves the way.

And then there are moments like this afternoon where I just say "move out already". Don't make me come home or wake up to someone who simply wants to prove to me how much they don't care (when they really do) so they go "over the top" to prove how much they don't care. Enough already.

You know... if you'd asked me three months ago if there would ever be a point where I would opt for my W leaving, I would have said absolutely not. I will live in this purgatory for as long as it takes to fix this, and if it never gets fixed... well, I can live in this mess at least until the kids are up and out.

But now...? No. I can't. Not forever. Not indefinitely. She is driving the D and the move at this point. But if those don't happen... well, I'm not ok with doing this for the long term either.