To answer your question, I would say that W wanted me to stop showing my appreciation because she didn’t believe I was sincere. Also, I expressed my appreciation for little things. Things that were important to me, but seemed trivial to her. I think it kinda made her feel inadequate. And I think the biggest reason she wanted me to stop was that she was looking for a way out of her commitment to me, so she was not in a mind to hear anything positive.
There’s something that I learned (I mentioned it in a previous post). The Golden Rule is missing something. To give unto others as you would have them give unto you assumes that s/he wants the same thing(s) as you. The real act of giving is to give the other person what s/he would have you give them.
However, I think that the unfortunate side effect of this can be that the other person can assume that you aren’t sacrificing anything. My W wants “space.” I give her space. My W wants freedom. I take responsibility for our son, and am the major income earner in our family. I think she may think that I want space, and I want to spend more time with S18, and maybe even that I’m a workaholic.
Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
What are your needs? Does your W know what they are? Have you asked (in a positive way) for them to be met?
It’s easy for W to misinterpret my desires because her misinterpretations fit my behavior, and justifies her behavior. I can’t tell her otherwise because if I do, she takes it as negativity on my part. I may not have expressed my feelings very well in the past, and these perceptions are now cast in stone.
I know this flies in the face of the GAL philosophy, but my biggest need is the companionship of my W. She is not of a mind to provide that need. Our communications has utterly broken down, and she blames me. It’s the classical “Why should I meet your needs, when you never cared about mine.”
The only time we discussed MC was when she suggested it so we could tell our kids that we tried and failed. Then we could use the councilor to help us ease the effects of our breakup on our kids.
I don’t have the free time or the energy to GAL. Sounds like a cop out, and I suppose it’s always possible to do things for me. But in so doing, I’d have to give something up that I am not willing to give up.
It’s hard to explain, but basically, W is not entirely wrong. I don’t need space, but I do need to be the best father that my son could possibly have. It’s a sacrifice, but it’s also what I need to do for my own self esteem.
Maybe a little background on me can explain it.
My older brother was schizophrenic. My parents divorced when I was about 8 years old. My mother passed away when I was 15. All of this plunged me into a situation where I felt like I had to take care of my other brother and sister. I always felt that my mom passed away from the shear stress of having to raise a family by herself under these circumstances.
I know what it feels to be abandoned by my brother (when he lost contact with reality), my father (who messed up his marriage to the point where he was no longer part of his own family), and my mother (not her fault, but she was gone none the less).
I will not allow that to happen to my family.
I’m not saying that I’m perfect, but I can say in all honesty that I try to be.
