What else could I have done?

[antlers]

Antlers: It's kind of like you're listening but you're not hearing. But here goes:

1. Take charge. You are the adult here. Make a plan for all 3 kids. Something they would like to do. Something fun. Then tell them when and where and that you'll pick them up. Ask them to RSVP by ... If they decline - that is their right but take son anyway.

2. Make a list of Positives. All the good things in your life. Let me start for you. 1. Career 2. Son lives with you 3. Health and so on...

3. Use the Stop Sign technique I told you about. When you start thinking about ex - put up your Stop Sign and redirect your thoughts to something. Anything. Put on some music. Read a book. Watch a movie. Play a game with son. Stop thinking about it.

4. Get up in the morning and say "Only for today I will" ... (suggestions include - not think about ex, only do things that make me happy, concentrate 100% on son, make a small effort with daughters).

5. Happiness starts with small steps. Small steps do become bigger strides. Do something nice for others and you reap more back to you. And your focus becomes different.

6. Recognize what is inappropriate at this stage. You and your wife are divorced - she can date whoever she wants to. Or move him in. Or marry him. At least he didn't cause the divorce. My husband was running around with OW for months before I even knew. Not just an infidelity - those 2 went everywhere together. It was horrifying! He moved straight from my house to an apt with her and called it their Love Nest. And I got PAST it! By 3 years I was a lot past it. You need to work on this.

7. Listen. Be Proactive. It really strikes me that you keep beating the same drum when you are in counselling and we are all telling you how you can work on yourself. Then you tell us once again about her. We don't need to hear about HER and her opinion of counselling. We need to hear "How's this been working for you".

8. One of the problems here (and with many people on the board - notably more men than women in my humble opinion) is the need for an "instant fix". And it does not happen. No one wants to feel miserable but the longer you put off making the changes - the longer it takes to start feeling better.

I will give you credit for making some changes that are helping. These include exercise, counselling and spending time with your son. But you really need to work on redirecting your thoughts and also on steps to improve your relationship with your daughters. In whatever ways that takes.

Why is your son so angry with you? Are you sure he is angry with you or just angry with the entire situation? It really helps to know in order to help him learn to deal with his hurt and anger as you live with him and you need to be consistent in dealing with it and helping him.

1. I'm really not in a position here to take charge. My daughters and I are estranged right now. My youngest has told me I'm not her dad anymore. My oldest ignores me. I still attempt regular communication with them. I reached out to both girls last night (see earlier post). Since then, I texted oldest daughter "I hope you can learn to forgive me daughter, and let go of pain from the past because I would hate for it to affect your happiness or cause you more pain". Today I invited my youngest daughter out to lunch, she responded that she just ate cereal. We texted back and forth for a couple of minutes. Later on I invited her to go hiking this weekend in the mountains (she's mentioned that she wants to do that). She declined, saying she was spending the night with a friend both Friday and Saturday night. I didn't respond to that as I really don't know what to say. My oldest daughter has continued to ignore me. I was off today and told my son that I'd like to spend the day with him doing fun stuff. He hasn't been interested. I've suggested several things and he has declined. I've also asked for his suggestions, and he responds that he doesn't want to. We did play a couple games of air hockey. All he's wanted to do so far is get on FaceBook. Later on this evening he did want to go out to eat, so we went to Johnnie Carino's (his choice). He asked if we could take my mother...so we did.

2. a)RN in the ER with 26 years of experience.
b)college degree
c)stable job close to home
d)son lives with me
e)own my own house outright
f)good health, especially for 50!
g)good road bikes for cycling
h)good mountain bikes for trails
i)good motorcycles for the road!
j)vehicle in great shape
k)a couple of good friends
l)make a decent income
m)re-established relationship with brother
n)I have a good heart
0)I'm a good man
p)take responsibility for my actions
q)I have compassion
r)I want to do better
s)physically healthy kids

3. I used it today. Several times. While riding this morning I used it. It takes discipline and genuine effort to do this.

4. I did make an effort with my daughters today. Tried to spend QT with son but he wasn't interested. Rode 17.2 miles in the woods on my mountain bike. I will eat a nice meal. I see the importance of "Only for today I will"...I did it today.

5. I am taking small steps. Took some food over to my mom. Visited some with her. Tried to do some good with the kiddos too. I help people every day in my work. But I understand doing more, and being compassionate. Later on this evening, my son and I took my mother out to eat at Johnnie Carino's. It was his idea to take her.

6. I know that I am divorced. I know that my marriage is over. I know that my exW is with another man. I'm workin' on it. I hung on until last Halloween...made no effort at all to get past it...I've been working on getting past it for 2 months. That's all. I know that I'm divorced. I know that my marriage is over. I know that my exW is with another man. (Those are affirmations). I'm workin' on it.

7. I've been stuck. I'll put forth more effort to get unstuck. I know that I've been beating a dead horse. Counseling lets me vent my feelings and emotions, and she provides me with feedback from a professional and rational standpoint...as opposed to an emotional standpoint. It helps me see things differently...much like listening to you folks does.

8. That's me. I want to fix stuff. I don't get to fix the stuff I wanted to...so I have to fix what I can. I've felt miserable for a long time. I've put off taking the steps to healing for a long time. I'm ready to start feeling better. I think learning to redirect my thoughts is key.

I have made some changes that I've mentioned, but redirecting my thoughts is something BIG that I need to do consistently. Your pointers help (Stop Sign). I'm trying to improve my relationship with my daughters. Right now...I believe they do know that I love them and am interested in improving our relationships with each other.

He's not angry with me as much as he's angry with the situation. But since he and I live together, he vents his anger at me...often. He may still also be angry with me because of the past...I don't know. But he is angry with the entire situation. He does not like to talk about emotional stuff...or other stuff that bothers him. So I hope him finally being in counseling will help.

I do not intend to let a word of criticism out of my mouth around my kids ever again.