How do you let go? Calling it quits.

[hope2011]

i post here off and on, havent been consistent in posting but fairly consistent in DBing. i will post links to my threads when im on a computer and a not a mobile.

Some history.....

Married 3 yrs after dating a year and a half. 2nd marriage for me, 3rd for him. He has 2 boys, 16 yr old twins, who are completely out of control and make life here harder every other week. I have no surviving children.

Marriage has never been easy. H is control freak with everything but his kids. He made all major decisions, he has a temper, he hasnt been supportive of me at all. In short, H is a jerk, as some of you here told me. But like most jerks, he has good moments too and i loved him and his kids.

After several bombs, i thought we were doing a lot better with DB and i even started posting in Piecing. But i was fooling myself. He dropped the final bomb last night. He wants a D.

Christmas was hell, the boys were beyond horrible. 1 of them didnt want to go with us to see family and threw a fit, calling us names, he hates us, used profanity, hit H. H grabbed him, didnt hit him. Long story, he ran off and told the neighbors and they called his mom. Police showed up at my family's house on Christmas because she said H assaulted him. He didnt. Boys were rude, disrespectful all through the holidays and stole my truck for 2 days. H didnt punish them for any of it.

We get home and now he wants a D because we are "too different" and "wasting our lives". i agreed with him. Even if he is just stressed out, its wrong to keep playing the D card. This morning and he is "not ready to make decisions". But says we need to move on. There is no OW, i am sure.

So now i am completely devastated and need to find a place to live. I have to leave. I have done good not crying much, no begging. I did suggest family therapy and his response was "i dont know". for me, i need to leave here happy and ready to start a new life, where there is hope for love and a family of my own someday. I need him to see me happy and back to the old me and i need him to regret ever letting me go. But i need to move on. And i need help from the BITS because i am completely alone and cant do this on my own.

[sunshine76]

((( Hope ))) my heart broke for you when I read your story. It sounds like you have been to he11 and back.

You are not alone!!! There are so many wonderful people here that offer great advice, emotional support and a swift kick in the pants when we need it.

Do you have any friends or family in the area that you can stay with until you find a place of your own? If not, I have considered renting a room in someone's house because atleast then I won't feel totally alone.

Once again you are not alone. I know that this board has been a lifesaver for me!

[2stepboogie]

You know when I started this journey almost a year ago you were the first person to respond to me. I remember those early days hitting the refresh button over and over hoping your post would appear, and then it happened. You responded.

In a way hope you've started this journey twice and that in itself is gut wrenching specially around this time of year although I cant imagine any time being less painful.

Well the time has come to lace up your boot straps because your in for a nasty ride.

I ask

You seem in a hurry to move out and get going. What's the rush? I understand your not really a new comer and are Prob ready to get started living your life. It as u know nothing is easy here and I think slow and methodical is better than speed of action. Haste makes waste

Stay strong hope the BITS will be around shortly

[2stepboogie]

Sorry on my phone also.......

[hope2011]

I guess i am rushing so i dont beg him to fix it. Because everytime we argue he pulls the "we are too different" card and hangs D over my head without sayung it until now. Its emotional blackmail to get his way, stop the argument. I know he halfway wants the D, halfway wants to shut me up and give in to the kids drama. either way, its cruel. It has to stop. Making plans to move is a 180 for me, its GAF for me. And maybe part of me wants him to wake up and see what hes losing and change. but i know his ego would never let him apologize or really try.

My grandmother died in march, her house is empty. I can move there rent free til summer and pull myself together. But its in another state and i would have to move and re-incorporate my work there. I cant afford to live where i am alone on my salary, the cost of living is too high. If i move, i can afford surgery i need, take some time off and follow my dream to visit europe. I will have family close by. I am all alone now. i am trying to look forward.

I dont know what else to do. Usually i back down and things are good for a while, until i disagree with him or need his support. I cant do it anymore.

When i told H about moving to my grandmothers house, he didnt say anything. When i told him my friend could do the D paperwork if we keep it simple his response was "why are you involving your friend?" I told him because i cant afford a lawyer and i was just trying to do what he told me i have to do -move on. He didnt respond. He have heard him sniffling a lot in the next room and blowing his nose in the shower. I know hes upset but its because he feels like a failure, not because he doesnt want to lose me. I know he is realizing losing me greatly hurts his custody chaces with the boys, he wont have a vehicle to drive, i wont be around to be a witness for court with them, his parents love me and will be upset, and hes losing his best friend and pretty much only real friend. Hes upset about that. I know he couldnt care less about breaking my heart or where i will live or if i will be ok.

[hope2011]

Can anyone recommend good books on being a Christian forced into divorce? I did the standing for marriage thing with my first divorce and that didnt go so well obviously. i still have guilt even though neither divorce was my idea. My H isnt saved and i think that is the foundation of many of our problems. I am a Christian and thought he was too. So we think differently, our priorities are different, our outlook on the world is different. I need to not lose what i believe and who i am. moving is going to make it hard to find support at a church. I had quit going to avoid arguments with H.

So today H is looking for a part time job as a grocery bagger. Without my small salary he wont be able to keep up bills, much less buy a vehicle or pay for a lawyer. Huge blow to a man who was making $200k 5 yrs ago before the mortgage crisis and he lost everything. I dont know what would be worse- knowing hed rather work 2 jobs than be with me or if he wants me back wondering if he wants me or just help.

Why couldnt he just love me and be the man i fell in love with?

I know i have avery small window here to do the right thing and im trying to not blow it. H said last night that we wont make it, that we are just putting off the inevitable, that we are too different. Everytime i want badly to just beg himto fix this, i hear him say that andit stops me. Because if he really loved me, respected me, had any desire for a future together, he wouldnt say that. Hed fight for us, things would be different. I still want to crawl in his arms though. Acting as if is hard as hell in the same house and making plans to move out. but i feel its the onlychoice i have. Isnt it?

[hope2011]

H went to have a few drinks with the neighbor. I asked him if he was going to tell him about the D. He said no, that its no one elses business. I said hed notice when he saw the moving van in the driveway. H just looked at me.

[Rick1963]

Hope I am very new here and hardly a success but I can sense you are hurting angry and resentful. I acted the same when W served me. I said all kinds of stuff to push her buttons they all backfired. I am not sure what you want? Maybe you should start there. Hang in there

[hope2011]

Hi Rick. I am sorry you are here too.

I want the man i married to be kind, loving and supportive and committed. I DB'd for that he keeps hanging a D over my head. Now, i just want peace and love and happiness, with or without H. Preferably with him but nothing i do is working. So i am trying to GAL and move on. What i want is for him to see what he is about to lose, to appreciate me, to go to therapy, to be committed to me and love me.

[Rick1963]

You know that is so ironic. Every time my W pissed me off I told her to file. She finally did. Now I am here on my knees hoping she will stop it. Maybe you can learn from my sitch.