"So, how do you get past that place of fear? Therapy didn't do it. Books haven't helped. Meditating calms me down when I'm anxious but doesn't help me resolve the underlying problem. UGH!"
Mishka have you tried EMDR therapy? it was developed to help trauma victims. Look it up and see if it is something you may be interested.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
EMDR was discussed with my therapist way back in the beginning of the last round of counseling but it wasn't something that she was experienced in and I couldn't afford to go to a psych who was so it was dropped and we went a more traditional route.
There was a moment two nights ago when I made an assumption and almost choked on it the second it was out of my mouth. Next August when my BFF gets married I'm going to be in CA for about a week and a half. This will mean that Marc has to have someone stay with him and get him all set for school without me. He starts on the 6th and she gets married on the 8th. I asked Gabe if he would be ok with me being gone that long and handling Marc's school stuff. Then I realized that there is no guarantee he will be here in August. I assumed, based on the past, but this is a totally different situation. I know he would be there for Marc but I don't have the right to ask him to do me a favor that far in the future. That kind of traps him into another 8 months and I can't expect that of him.
How do I take that back? Do I just let it go and if he's here he's here and if he's not scramble for an alternative?
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I wouldn't take anything back. You didn't ask anything unreasonable of someone who you were involved in a committed relationship with! Let it go as it is...and the rest of your last sentence stands to reason too!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Mishka go into the EMDR website and find a locally trained clinician. Call that person and see if they due probono or have sliding scale. If not they may be able to guide you to where you can get financial assistance.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Don't take it back. Gabe is a big boy. He can take responsibility for stuff so let him.
I will admit this to you as it might make you feel better. I know I am pretty smart and I feel a good parent. However when I get to thinking about the big picture of my life it can truly scare the he!! out of me. It falls on me to make things happen and work. I can't count on some sort of intervention either through meeting someone or winning the lottery to get me to where I want to be. Sure those things could happen but I can't count on it. I have to be the one that moves in the direction I want to go.
So if you want to see if your life with Gabe around in the future, take those steps to make it happen. What are those steps you may ask? First and most importantly, be honest with your self about what you want in this life. Secondly write down what is holding you back. Now rather than trying to take charge of all of that at once, look at the small things that you can do to put things in place.
Now do me the next favor and answer this question: Do you want Gabe in your life? Don't think just yes or no. Do you love him? yes or no? Does he love you? yes or no. don't hesitate on a single one. go with your gut. You may surprise yourself.
Hang in there. Have faith.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Kat, I can't imagine you being scared EVER! You are superwoman to me! Thank you for sharing that, it does help me feel a little better.
Quote:
Now do me the next favor and answer this question: Do you want Gabe in your life? Don't think just yes or no. Do you love him? yes or no? Does he love you? yes or no. don't hesitate on a single one. go with your gut. You may surprise yourself.
Those are good questions Kat. Do I want Gabe in my life? - Yes. Do I love him? - Yes. Does he love me? - I don't know.
That last one got me. I honestly don't know. Sometimes I'm sure he does and other times I think he's just tolerating me because he has no place else to go. It is odd. It's likely my own perceptions and not really him but I just don't know.
I do know one thing though, I still don't trust him entirely so it becomes a question of, can I live like that? There are red flags and I am scared to address them? Why am I scared? Why can't I speak up? He gets so mad if I ask him about them which leads me to think he is hiding something but then, instead of pressing him, I back down and end up asking him if he will forgive me for being upset. WTH is that? Why do I feel like I should apologize for feeling distrustful? It's not like he's done any work to regain my trust and he thinks he doesn't need to since he's "there".
I don't know what to do. Love just shouldn't hurt this much should it?
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
That is a bit of a trap my ex and I fell into. He cheated on me for the first two years of our marriage while I was a flight attendant. I should have left then but he said he would never hurt me again, that he was sorry but he wouldn't talk about it. To him it was all in the past.
The rest is history: 4 kids, 21 years together, 19 of them married and at least two affairs on his part, though I suspect others. Not talking this out left a bad feeling in me. I just always had an off feeling whether it was real or imagined, I don't know.
You have to address this stuff. I know it won't be easy but your peace of mind is so important. The old foundation of your relationship has to be knocked away and a new, strong one has to replace it.
Big hugs, kat
I posted pics of Cooper on the alt.
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
