BklynMom - I completely agree with you about H not seeing just any counselor. I myself was weary at first and wanted to be sure to see a counselor that is pro-marriage. But I also know that I want our M to work, so it was important for me to find the right C. I've only seen my IC once so far, but I do like her. She seemed pro-marriage and did say that she believes that one person can improve a relationship. She was somewhat familiar with DB as well, but I think she's still catching up on it, but definitely for it.
I wish I knew what C he's considering so that I could at least look him/her up. I don't want to ask our friend as I'm not sure he knows our sitch and don't want to upset H. I don't know at what point our friend started seeing C, but his story was a little messed up. First, he was having an EA and then a PA with an old school friend. He told his W and didn't care at first. Then his W had an affair with someone and didn't want things to work. At that point our friend had learned his lesson and did want to make his marriage work, but his wife had already checked out. He was definitely hurting and D was not his initiation. So I'm hoping that the C may indeed be pro-marriage, but also helps people get through it if it doesn't work. Our friend is in a new relationship now and occasionally his GF goes to C with him. H is also considering this C because it's in the town he works and it would be more convenient. I hope that maybe some day he'll be willing to do C together, but I'm not pressuring him.
I also think that H needs C regardless of our marriage. He has a lot of built up and unresolved emotions from his childhood, and then also from reconnecting with his biological mom. I'm sure that our M problems are something that he didn't expect to have and made him get to the point where he feels like he can't take it all. I know one of the reasons he's angry with me is that he doesn't feel that I have provided him with the emotional support that he needed. I should have been his shoulder to lean on, but instead I was wrapped up with stress and who knows what and was blind to his needs. He feels deeply hurt by that, that I let him down. I hope one day he will allow me to be that shoulder again. I feel terribly disappointed with myself that it got to this point. I know it takes two and I'm not accepting all the blame myself. I'm not blaming anyone really. I've accepted that we humans are not perfect and making mistakes is part of life. The important point is to learn from the mistakes. I've learned a lot from this experience already and don't want to make the same mistakes twice.
