Thanks everyone for your responses! It's been an interesting couple of days for sure.
My son just turned 4. When I posted about H being mean to S, he wasn't physical or anything, but yelled a lot, expected him to listen and do what he wanted on the first try. If he didn't, then S got taken away something he really wanted, got immediately sent to time out, etc. I set boundaries with S, but my interpretation of S doing things "wrong" are different than H's, and also I think there are different consequences for different actions. H disagrees. Parenting styles has been a major initiator in disagreements. H has zero patience and IMHO expects A LOT from a 4 year old.
Ok, here's what happened in the last couple of days:
XMas day: we went to MIL's in the afternoon. I could tell that H didn't really want to go. This would be the first time H would face his mother after I told her what's going on. I'm sure he expected an earful, but she didn't bring anything up. At first he seemed unseasy and was always on his phone (which his mother found irritating as well). Then he started drinking wine and started to loosen up. We all had a good dinner and good conversations. Back home after S was in bed, he initiated affection and I gave in. We had a good night ML and he hugged and kissed me for the first time in a couple of months.
My dilemma is that this all happened because he'd been drinking. Though I didn't have as much as him, I still went along with everything. I didn't want to go to sleep out of fear that all of that would end in the morning. The next day he was hurting pretty badly. The affection was definitely gone. I asked him if he remembered what happened and he said he remembered parts. I left it at that. We had breakfast and then he wanted to buy a new TV for the bedroom. We spend half of the day going to different stores and comparing prices. He said he wanted to have a better one in the bedroom so that he could play video games and not feel like he'd be taking over the TV in the living room. Not sure what to think of that quite yet.
Some positive things I noticed over the past couple of days:
- he wore the shirt I got him for XMas to his mom's - new TV for bedroom: thinking about future at home? or could be quite opposite and thinking TV for him when me moves out? - much better and calmer with S since XMas. Yesterday we also found out that S has mild pneumonia and double ear infection. He seemed concerned, called and texted me throughout the day. He also offered to stay home with him today (I stayed home yesterday). Also, for XMas I got H and S tickets to see a minor league hockey game (Mon night), which they went to and seemed to have enjoyed. - occasionally when he'd talk I'd notice some indications to "we" or to something sort of in the "future" - though intoxicated, he wanted to call my sister because we hasn't heard from her and also asked her when she'd be coming to visit. H has been like a big brother to her and known her since she was 9 or 10 (H and I have been together for 13 years, married 8 1/2). My sister knows our sitch and was a little nervous on the phone (he put her on speaker phone), but kept it neutral and friendly. - before we went over to MIL's, he had mentioned that he wanted to cancel our New Year's plans with friends. I told him I thought he would do that and that was fine. While at MIL's, she asked what we were doing for New Year's, and he said that we'd be going to friends. Later that night I asked him if he'd changed his mind and he said that we didn't have anything better to do (but this was also after a few glasses of wine). I don't know what he's thinking today, but will probably wait until Friday to ask.
However, he's also seem to have distanced himself a little again, which I gather from reading on this forum that it's normal: - last night he stayed on the couch again - there is no affection from him: no smiles, no hugs or kisses when coming or leaving
So I don't know where that leaves me at this point. I have 2 theories on the way he acted when he was intoxicated:
1) Wine made his anger and hurt go away temporarily. He remembered that he liked me and could have fun with me. It was almost like the "old" times. 2) The alcohol made his true feelings go away. Obviously, his hurt and anger are real and need to be dealt with. Drinking is not the way to deal with it though.
I'm still working on GAL: Got a month gym membership from MIL. I'm also going out to dinner with friends tonight.
I have my second IC appointment tomorrow. I didn't write a letter to H like C suggested expressing my thoughts and feelings on this. She had asked whether he was actually listening and hearing to what I had to say when we talked, and I told her I didn't think so. I don't think a person can really hear what you have to say when they're in such a state. Because of the rollercoaster stuff that has happened in the last few days, I would rather not bring up R myself. I am trying not to get obsessed with the little good signs or gestures from him, but I am also trying to notice them and be grateful for them. Since, according to H, I am not good at showing appreciation and take things for granted, one of my 180's is to be more appreciative of everything.
