WHG: When last we heard from our action hero...

[workinghardguy]

Thanks 25... As I reread my post I know I sounded fairly chappy and competitive, but that's not really how I feel most of the time.

I actually believe my W is doing the best she can right now. Is it enough? Not really, but it is what she can give from where she is at. I know I find myself constantly having to defend her to my mother. My mom sees the imbalance and feels I'm being taken advantage of. I simply point out that I am choosing to do this... I could move out tomorrow if I wanted to.

In some ways I am grateful for the "blend" of our family; with two step-kids and a son together. If all three were my kids I very well could see my W taking off and not looking back. If all three were step-kids I'm certain they would all have been gone a long time ago and my W likely would have little to do with me.

Our family blend at least forces my W into a narrower path. The last thing she would ever do is let her XH have SS and SD, so those options are severely limited. And she wants me in my son's life and knows I would fight her to no end if she threatened that, so that limits her options as well.

[workinghardguy]

A friend just posted a version of this on Facebook, and I thought it very appropriate for us DB'ers...

Two fundamental rules of DBing...:
#1. When you absolutely cannot take another step forward... take just ONE more.
#2. Repeat rule #1.

[labug]

WHG, I think you are doing an amazing job at being a father and trying to make the situation OK for all the kids involved. It seems you have a heart of gold but I'm confused. Your wife chooses to go out drinking on a night before work, chooses to drink until she passes out, has to call in to her job, drags home at 7am and you get her a sandwich and coffee. If this was a one-off situation it would be different but you've mentioned her drinking to excess several times.

Are you OK with this?

[workinghardguy]

Nope... not ok with it LA... but really what other choice do I have? When she gets home I could certainly start in on her... but do I think it would change her behavior? Nope. It would drive her away faster.

I could ignore it and not do anything, which would be ok too.

I just did the coffee and the sandwich b/c I know my W. I know she won't have eaten since who knows when. So while she is hungover, sick, and tired going to work, what wouldn't be helpful is her being hungry too.

And it's subtle, but to me the difference is that I stopped at Subway for me initially. I was hungry and since I was making Chef Boyardee for the kids I knew I needed something. As I was in line I realized that it would kind of be an a-hole move to come home with a delicious sandwich while my roommate is starving and, technically, paid for half my sandwich (since our finances are still together).

So I got her one too. Could she have stopped for one? Sure. Did I have to do it? Nope. Do I think getting it for her communicated that I support her choices? I don't think so... I think I communicated that I'm not angry and don't really care what she does.

Do I wish for her own sake she would change her habits? Absolutely. But I don't believe I have any currency, at least as things stand now, in that decision. So since I lack currency there's no point in trying to spend it.

[sunshine76]

WHG I just want you to know that you are inspiring me to make better choices where my W is concerned. You are a great example of what it means to take the 'high road' and not lose yourself in this mess!

[labug]

When she gets home I could certainly start in on her... but do I think it would change her behavior? Nope.

You're right, not a good choice but neither is rescuing. I did it for a long time and it finally took my kids, yes my kids, to say, "Mom, there's a problem." Not my best parenting moment I can tell you. But as a result of that H got sober. And even if we are never together again, that's a good thing.

Not trying to bust your chops but you are a good man. You deserve good stuff. You are worth it.

[25yearsmlc]

Nope... not ok with it LA... but really what other choice do I have? When she gets home I could certainly start in on her... but do I think it would change her behavior? Nope. It would drive her away faster.

I could ignore it and not do anything, which would be ok too.

I just did the coffee and the sandwich b/c I know my W. I know she won't have eaten since who knows when. So while she is hungover, sick, and tired going to work, what wouldn't be helpful is her being hungry too.

And it's subtle, but to me the difference is that I stopped at Subway for me initially. I was hungry and since I was making Chef Boyardee for the kids I knew I needed something. As I was in line I realized that it would kind of be an a-hole move to come home with a delicious sandwich while my roommate is starving and, technically, paid for half my sandwich (since our finances are still together).

So I got her one too. Could she have stopped for one? Sure. Did I have to do it? Nope. Do I think getting it for her communicated that I support her choices? I don't think so... I think I communicated that I'm not angry and don't really care what she does.

Do I wish for her own sake she would change her habits? Absolutely. But I don't believe I have any currency, at least as things stand now, in that decision. So since I lack currency there's no point in trying to spend it.

love the analysis and detachment. I don't see it as "rescuing" with buying her a sandwich. Maybe if you made her one and only her, it'd be slightly that way.

But your analysis seemed spot on. If you got yourself food and made the kids some AND she does pay for things too, you'd have looked like a jerk punishing her for her "bad choices."

It SO easy to want to do that as an LBSer

but as my DB coach says, "It's not our job to "teach our spouse a lesson or show them the consequences"...LIFE does that.

So I say, well done.

If she is rude to you, then you'll have some challenges. To me she sounds desparately unhappy. Any news there on her personal work front?

Not that you can make it happen, but is SHE worrying at all, about her choices as far as you KNOW?

[workinghardguy]

So far there has been no impact on her work life. Her drinking is definitely of the binge variety... The other night was unusual because it was a night before work, typically her binge drinking happens on her nights off. I do believe it was due to the Christmas party that she desperately wanted to go to.

In fact, work life is great for her. Her unit loves her and a number of executives have told her she is management material. She doesn't believe it of course and doesn't even believe she's that good of a nurse, though she is really a very good nurse. Her technical competence is very good and she combines that with a bedside manner that comes from truly caring about her patients.

I do think it will be interesting to see as all this unfolds on how the drama and disruption effects her work life.

[workinghardguy]

Journaling... Saw my W briefly this morning. I slept in and she spent the morning with S. I got up and hit the treadmill... gained a pound back with all the holiday food and haven't exercised in three days, not good. It's sad too... I was on the treadmill calculating that if I spend X more minutes then I'll only have to interact with my W for X minutes before she leaves. And the interactions are fine... but even when they are pleasant they still are a reminder of what's missing. As detached as I get that still stings a bit.

Spent the morning with the kids and then went in to work. S's meds make him uber-hyper which is getting very trying. I see "old me" coming out in frustration and anger. I need to find a way to check that.

Worked late and came home, my mom spent the afternoon with the kids. Got home and we all played XBox and Kinect games together, that was a lot of fun. I put youngest two to bed and W got home. A little bit of interaction before she headed over to her friend's house. W starts night shifts tomorrow night so she's trying to stay up most of the night tonight. But before she left she told me she as an appointment in the morning to see a rental house here in town. It's way cheaper then the rest, which means it's likely in bad shape. But one more step on her path.

Only interesting point from today was that W used our Amazon account to purchase "Is it Love or Is It Addiction?" for her Kindle. I saw the transaction when balancing our checking account. It's a book about people, particularly women, and how their need for security and safety drive them to moving from partner to partner. If she were to ask me I would fully agree she has this as an issue. If the book does her some good then good for that.

Still dreading the day we tell the kids. I just wonder what post-telling life will be like in our house. I suspect my next IC appointment I'll ask to spend some time on that. There is a lot that confuses me on how to handle it, particularly the questions that may/will come afterward.

Also poignant is that the XBox has really given SS and I something to bond over. Games like GOW, COD and MW3 are way too advanced for my S (not to mention horribly inappropriate for a five year old) and SD and W have zero interest in first person shooters. So the games give my SS and I something that is just ours to do together.

At this point I am convinced W is moving. The only chance I see for a change is if the reaction of SS and SD is so severe and negative that she rethinks the plan. However, considering how self-focused my W is right now I don't think any amount of sorrow or pain coming from the kids will sway her one bit.

[Ctflor]

My d found out her dad was planning to leave me, when she happened to over hear one of his tantrums he would have, where he'd yell at me and say "I want to be free. I'm moving to my own place. I want out of here". I equate the tantrum like one I've seen in a teenager, wanting to get away from home. Any way, her reaction was really bad. I have not discussed this on the forum yet. She cried terribly, then began packing up her backpack and toys and took them to the front door.

She told her dad he was not leaving without her. Cried and begged for him to stay with me. In all of his state, at that time, he sat down with her and told her that sometimes mommys and daddys don't get along and have to live apart. And my D said, "Mommy treats you good. She loves you. how can leave my mommy?'

To calm her down, he hugged her and said he was not leaving. (He lied at that time because after this he continued to threaten to leave me, just not around her)

A week after this, I noticed she didn't want to eat much. She also began to develop a lot of stomach cramps and pains, headaches, sleepless-ness, and hanging around her dad a lot more often. She experienced anxiety as well.

This went on for a couple of months off and on... and now she's seeing a counselor.

Even though h has chosen to stay with us and we are in piecing, our d still has nightmares from time to time and goes through periods of worrying about her dad staying with us, and will ask questions.

I remember back when h was on the crazy train he would look at me with hollow eyes and say... "She'll be Ok. Kids are resilient. She's gonna be alright. Other people go through this every day".

I just remember saying, "I don't give a damn what other people do" and walked away.

Aside from what I'm going through... our d is still going through her emotions too, and one of them has been fear of her dad leaving. He really messed up by letting her hear him have that tantrum, where I tried to protect her from it all.

WHG, I hope that your situation goes a little better than mine did with our daughter. It's just hard to say... how they will react. But having a counselor you can trust will be huge in helping them get through it.