Someone please talk me of this ledge! My H continues to date his girlfriend while still making kind gestures, showing affection to me and sending me mixed messages. I found out that while I was on the cruise he went over to her house for Christmas eve. They continue to see each other, go out on dates, etc. I've kept my mouth shut with the exception of back in October when I noticed his budding friendship with her and asked her if they were dating. He denied it and then afterwards, he became very cold and distant with me and stopped contacting me for a while.
Normally, I wouldn't let this bother me. But this time around it hurts because he has been a lot more affectionate with me, showing interest, contacting me, inviting me to do things, etc. And I guess I allowed myself to hope that perhaps he was finally coming around. I've let my guard down, so now I feel like he is playing me...going out with his girlfriend while still stringing me along.
Today he invited me to go out to the movies with him tomorrow night. Should I act as if nothing is going on? What I really feel like doing is confronting him and telling him I'm not going to continue to go out with him while he is still going out with his girlfriend. My mind tells me this would be counterproductive and would set back the progress we've made so far. My heart tells me that he is using me and cake eating and I'm allowing it to happen.
Please talk some sense into me. I can't take this pain. Just yesterday he wanted to ML with me. Why is he pursuing me while still very much dating his girlfriend? I'm hurt and confused. I'm afriad I will say something stupid when I see him tomorrow.
Sorry for the rant. I just need to get this off my chest.
M:12yr 06/11:IDLYA 07/11:Moves out 08/11:PA disc(began in May) 09/11:Moves w OW 10/11:Breaks up w OW;gets apt 11&12/11: Touchngo w me 1/12: Comes home-PA resumes 2/12: PA disc; PA ends Today: Piecing
In my opinion, I would not go with him. You are right, he wants his cake and eat too. DETACH!!! Tell him that you have plans, even if you don't.
A couple of weeks ago, I was at my H's apt. After an 1 hour there I said I have to go and I left. About 20 min later I received a text asking why did I leave so abruptly. I told him that I did not but had to meet a friend. I didn't. I went Christmas. I wanted him to think that I had a life and I am not sitting around waiting for him. Well the next day, he was curious and asked about my friend. I smiled and said I had a great time. Well, he started to pursue me. I spent Christmas Eve thru this morning with him and we had a good time. But the entire time that we were together, I did not pursue him at all. He did make some advances towards me but I had him at arms length.
I feel really bad right now for what I have done. Have I taken this dettaching thing too far. Am I pushing him away just as he is starting to seek me out again?
No, it's just that this is a new behavior for you and you feel what most LBS's experience (pushing the WAS away). If your WAH wants you bad enough to straighten up his act, he'll find a way. Don't be afraid. He needs to start getting a picture of what life would be without you.
Continue to remind yourself that if WAH gets you back too easily.....you stand the risk of going through all of this again, and probably much sooner than you'd think.
It is still true. You are a precious commodity that he is losing. Do not sell yourself short! You are worth the effort!
Hope has a point, and I would add this is not a tactic, this is not a game, this is life. It must be real.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Thanks Hopeful and JS. I know what I must do, now I must do it no matter how scary it feels. Thanks for reminding me of sandi's words. There is so much wisdom there. 25yearsmlc also gave me some great advice on my Piecing thread. Which I have reread over and over today.
I don't know if I will back out of going to the movies with him tomorrow because I already said yes. It would be weird to tell him no I have plans, after I told him yes I'll go the day before. I'm kicking myself right now for saying yes to him. I'm doing the same old same old behavior. I need to get this through my thick skull: dettach and get busy so I don't have time to worry about him and all the things I can't control!
It's easier to dettach and GAL when H doesn't pay attention to me(at least for me it is). However, it is extremely difficult to do so when he is showing interest in me. But any new behavior is scary, right? Obviously, when I restart the pursuit to his showing interest in me, things start going south. So I need to stop doing it! It's not working and I'm not getting the results I want.
I'm so grateful for this board and being able to think out loud and get others' perspectives. I feel so much better right now.
M:12yr 06/11:IDLYA 07/11:Moves out 08/11:PA disc(began in May) 09/11:Moves w OW 10/11:Breaks up w OW;gets apt 11&12/11: Touchngo w me 1/12: Comes home-PA resumes 2/12: PA disc; PA ends Today: Piecing
I posted the below yesterday on the Piecing forum: So had a convo with H today over the phone. He says he still loves me, doesn't want to lose me and wants us to work on our relationship. He even talked about breaking his lease so he could move back in.
Personally, I'm a little scared. I told him that he would need to rebuild my trust and that a non-negotiable for me was that all contact with OW and girlfriend had to stop. He says OW is the one initiating contact and insisting after he has told her repeatedly no. He says the girlfriend is just a friend and he has no feelings for her.
H says he is willing to break off his relationship with both these women and would also consider going to counseling. He says he is scared that he'll come back and things won't work out for us. That statement scares me because it makes me feel like he's not truly committed (even though he says he is).
Please, what should I do? I don't want to rush into anything. Should we start hanging out more and doing things together, talking on the phone, etc? How do we both overcome our fears and reservations?
In regards to counseling, are the DB coaches qualified to do marriage counseling or should I seek someone face to face? How do I find a good one?
My head is spinning right now. I dont' know what to do.
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Since then, more things have happened. I will post below.
M:12yr 06/11:IDLYA 07/11:Moves out 08/11:PA disc(began in May) 09/11:Moves w OW 10/11:Breaks up w OW;gets apt 11&12/11: Touchngo w me 1/12: Comes home-PA resumes 2/12: PA disc; PA ends Today: Piecing
Yesterday, after our phone convo, H and I met in person and discussed this further (see above). He told me he loved me and missed me and didn't want to lose me. He apologized for hurting me. He kept reiterating that he wanted to come home and was willing to give his all to our relationshup.
I once again expressed that I can't tolerate contact w/ OW or his girlfriend. He said he agreed this was detrimental to our marriage and that he would stop it. He told me he had already spoken to his leasing agent and was ready to terminate the lease and move out in mid-January. He talked about the furniture he had acquired and where we could place it in our home. He also mentioned sleeping over once in a while until he terminates the lease.
All these things were brought up by him, not me. A few times I told him that I wanted him to be sure 100% and that it was something he truly wanted. He repeatedly said he was sure of what he wanted. He also said he knew that OW was not the right person for him. That she made his life chaotic and that when he was with her, he felt like he was pretending to be someone he's not (she's in her 20's and quite immature).
A good thing that came about is that H finally shared some of his feelings with me. He felt that my distancing from him made him feel like I didn't really care about him and made him question whether I truly loved him. He said he wanted to feel from me like I truly love and care about him. He shared with me what he liked and disliked about me. He told me he feels loved when we spend quality time together, show physical affection, and I give him words of affirmation. He admitted that he had taken up drinking excessively on weekends to numb the pain and that he knew this was wrong.
Last night, he slept over. Today, we spent most of the day together and we ML. As the day progressed he seemed to become more withdrawn. After dinner, he left to go back to his apartment and spend the night over there. I know that it's better if we move slowly and I give him the space to gradually come back vs. moving in tomorrow, but I must say that I felt sad and hurt that he wanted to go back to his apartment. However, I did not ask him to stay.
This is all new to me and I'm extremely scared. How do I manage this? He wants to come back to our marriage and our home in January. And I told him that he could come back as long as he demonstrated that all contact with the OW is over and I also conveyed that we would need to rebuild our trust. We both agree that we need to go to counseling so we don't repeat the same mistakes.
I'm guessing that I should expect him to be demonstrative one day and withdrawn the next as part of this process, right? I realize he has been out of the home for the past 5 months and it will take a while to make this transition. Thoughts?
M:12yr 06/11:IDLYA 07/11:Moves out 08/11:PA disc(began in May) 09/11:Moves w OW 10/11:Breaks up w OW;gets apt 11&12/11: Touchngo w me 1/12: Comes home-PA resumes 2/12: PA disc; PA ends Today: Piecing
Your husband sounds sincere in that he WANTS to do this; however, at this point you need to be skeptical (for your own sake) about his ABILITY to do it. This means putting some emotional safeguards in place for yourself.
I don't have time to get into ALL of the details, and since my posts are still "fully moderated" I'm not even sure you'll see this, but four things I would STRONGLY encourage:
1. Your husband needs to send OW a no-contact letter, the content to be approved by YOU, and you should deliver or send it (so that he doesn't add or subtract anything).
2. He needs to be fully transparent with you. This means changing his cellphone number (so that OW can't contact him) and the detailed billing coming to you, keeping it unlocked and available to you any time you want to look at it, changing his e-mail address(es), etc.
3. Marriage counseling with someone specifically trained in dealing with infidelity.
4. A full-panel STD test, with a copy of the results going to YOU.
As for him moving back in, I would strongly advise against it just yet. Let him maintain his own place for the next 3-6 months (I'd recommend six), while maintaining NC with OW, and he can date you. TAKE IT SLOW. This is healthier for him AND for you, as he can have some space to learn to deal with why he deals with his marital dissatisfaction in unhealthy ways (preferably with the help of a good IC), and you can view his changes (and his new fidelity/NC) from a healthy distance.
I've been studying affairs for over six years -- literally thousands of them. I've never seen successful reconciliation work without most -- if not all -- of the above. If you do these things, however, and if he's sincere, then you have a good chance at success. Let him run back to you too easily, however, and without these safeguards in place, and the recidivism rate for another affair is well over 90%.
SD, Please, Please take everything I post here with a grain of salt. I have not gotten to piecing though in thirty years we did the pull apart come together dance more than once.
I fear for you that this is too fast. That too much has been in words and not actions indicative of real change. I pray he has been a WAH, and has just Woke Up. From what I have read it is possible, but exceedingly rare.
IMO , slow down, keep the door ajar, and do not pursue. A great deal has happened much of it before June 2011, much of it hurtful. You both need time to heal and grow back together. Trust and respect play a huge part in this process. I may be projecting here, but I would not be able to build much of either in a couple of days, although I expect I could begin.
Projecting again I have had a great deal of anger and resentment to overcome. I do not remember reading much about that in your thread. It is entirely possible I missed it. These would be emotions sabotaging any efforts I could make to reconcile. Your mileage may vary, please be aware of the possibility.
Go back and read this thread especially Sandi’s posts. Read other threads in piecing. Find their earlier threads here or in MLC. Learn as much as you can from their threads and apply what you can to you own. Due In May and Navy’s come to mind and I know there are many others.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
The DB Coaches are highly qualified to counsel you both. They all have the appropriate degrees, they have all had many years of experience, they are all DB trained and they all have long term marriages themselves. It's very hard to get that combo, but you get it with a DB coach.
