i know where my conduct comes from. I've known for quite some times. When i was a little girl and went to my mom for support or guidance, after an argument or a fight with a friend, she would always say: " Just ignore them, it will go away and things will be better tomorrow." I lived my whole life with this belief. I even agreed with it until XH's abusive ways became to much. I allowed his behavior. I voiced my concerns but was totally ignored and later, blamed.
I have, since, froze my heart to people who seem to demand things from me or seem to take control of event in my life.I will give freely with love but do not demand or you'll be turned down. I refuse to be under someone else's control. My dear friend that opened her heart to me in the most difficult time (BD), Started advising me about my divorce procedure, advise me on the finances and support. I greatly appreciated her help and guidance but it became DETAILS. Her and her husband wanted NUMBERS. They started making appointment for me to meet with a broker( 2 meetings). They had the " WHERE AND HOW MUCH " i was gonna invest. All of this with my future in mind. I had to draw the line. I had to redifine the line to redeem my personnal life. I felt like they were taking control of my life. I felt like their child. I am EXTREMELY greatful to them but it went to far. We are back at saying hello, how are things! That's it.
I always told myself, it is not up to me to make people behave a certain way. I have no control over someone else. I am accountable for my conduct.
My D11 noticed that i get alot of friendly attention. I got 2 surprise b-day party (kids friendly) i got flowers unexpectadly for my kindness, i got unexpected help with my firewood(from both,friends and family), everybody waves at us, my nickname at Tim's is "sunshine",every table i seat at, WE LAUGH,garanty. I use my humor to brighten others. An older gentlemen told me that i have a rare quality about me. He said that he has never heard a bad thing about me from anyone and that i get along with EVERYBODY,young and old. I was someone very special and i should be proud to be me. I am. I just need to stay strong. Another as told me that alot of people should take exemple from me for putting my kids as a priority over trying to replace XH. I was honnored by his comment. We are bless with love and kindness, everyday. I have to keep my eyes open wide and thank god for his generousity.
As for XH, he has a hold on me. I don't like who i am around him. I abuse him as much as he does. I have been pushed to far. I have to keep off the rollercoaster for my own welfare (and his).
