Our story

[kolja]

Oh, rest assured, I'M certainly not bringing it up!!

Well, at least not to HER. I've mentioned it here and to a couple friends in a "isn't that interesting" kind of way.

In even more interesting - and exciting - news, Im outside of the dept of licensing waiting for them to open so I can get my license reinstated.

[kolja]

In other interesting news, the wife came home from wherever she was staying around 6:30 or so this morning. Since today started later than normal for me, I didn't get up right away. By the time I got going, she was sleeping on the couch.

It certainly appears that her living arrangements are rather bizarre - however, at the moment, it's not really my problem.

[kolja]

Well, about an hour and a half after my last post, while still at work, my wife texted to thank me for the presents. I said I hoped she liked them and she said she for and I said I was glad to hear it. I was prepared to let it go at that, but she asked what time I thought I would be home. She hasnt asked that for some time, at least since well before announcing her divorce decision. When I gave it my best guess she said, as if in warning, that she would probably still be in the house. I said that would be fine.

Sure enough she was here, and of course it was just fine with me. We greeted each other politely, and I hit the shower. Afterword, I opened her gifts to me and the gift from a family friend (who's the closest thing to a father she has). They were pretty nice. We even had some small talk - mainly about her sisters rapidly approaching wedding. She was pretty subdued but not totally withdrawn.

I even got to work in a little compliment, asking if she liked a couple of the shirts i got. She mentioned the size, but said she thought she would fit into them soon because she's loosing weight. I, of course, know she's been working pretty hard at that. I said I had the receipts if she wanted to exchange them but also that I thought they would be just fine because shed already lost a lot. I know it's risky from a DBing perspective but it seemed to go over well.

She's off to go tanning now (I never thought she actually NEEDS to, but it DOES seem to help her moods when she does it regularly and I'm definitely all for THAT). She thinks she has to because she has to be in a bridesmaids dress on Friday. Honestly, I'm not sure if she's coming back here or going back to wherever she's staying - I didn't ask and the rest of my evening doesn't really revolve around it anyway. BUT I feel like it was a very positive round of interactions and thought I would share it.

[kolja]

Well, it appears that about a week or so is her limit for not being able to bring up divorce. After a quick logistical exchange (we still have joint finances), she pointed out that we still had to figure out the divorce and that she would like to get filed.

Perhaps unproductively, but calmly, I suggested that maybe we should look into mediation since it seemed like we were pretty far apart on what we considered to be 'fair.' She asked if I was for real, and I said, word for word, "I'm not paying $12,000 for a divorce I don't want." (Her latest demand has been for $1,000 a month for a year, something my consultation with an attorney revealed that no court would actually award her after a marriage of only 16 months). She replied "F*** that! This is all your fault!" (implying that at least on some level she feels like she's losing something too...). I cited a meeting I had to get to for work (not wholly inaccurate) and the exchange ended.

I'm not TOO distraught. I enjoyed yesterday for what it was, and the respite from divorce talk - but from what I've learned here I knew not to develop EXPECTATIONS from any of it. If I would have had expectations, I would be much more upset. Last night, after relating the days events to a couple friends, one said it sounded pretty clearly like the wife was confused and not sure what she wanted. Another friend said "I'm so hopeful for you!" I think it's better for my sanity to let friends worry about the mind-reading (deciding she's confused) and being hopeful on my behalf!!

I DO admit that I'm at a bit of a loss to know how to handle the discussions about her support demands. I'm certainly not keen on paying an exorbitant and unfair amount of money for her to walk out of the marriage. The amount of money she seems to think she can have certainly suggests she's living in a fantasy world of some kind. But I'm not sure how to make that point without making the atmosphere more hostile.

[KarenR]

Hi Kolja,
Have you done Divorce Busting Coaching yet. It is great to be on the boards and read Michele's books. However, when time is of the essence and you want to turn around the direction your relationship is going, coaching is the most effective way. Your coach will help you come up with very specific ways to say and react to your wife, so that you are more likely to get a chink in the armor and bring her closer. We are having some special prices this week,I would be happy to tell you about. Take good care.

[kolja]

Hi Karen-
I've had two sessions with Chuck already, the last one being just over a week ago (last Tuesday as memory serves). He suggested scheduling the third one if something significantly positive OR negative happened. Does yesterday's positive round of exchanges count as significantly positive, or today's resurrection of the divorce discussion, however brief, count as a negative?

Tongue planted firmly in cheek - do they average each other out?

I WILL say, at the risk of blantantly patting myself on the back, that the "this is all your fault" line in retrospect seems like bait - not sure if it was intentional or not - but not that long ago I would have defended myself (whether politely or more argumentatively would have depended on mood). This time I managed not to take the bait....

[gunny]

Good for you that you kept yourself in check. She sounds frustrated. Good idea about the mediation. My w and I decided to go that route, no papers have been filed yet.

Its one step forward, two back kolja, sounds like your attitude is just right for the long slog ahead of you, keep up the good work!!
S/F

[kolja]

I'm certainly grateful for the better attitude I've gained through the last few week's eduation, reflection and growth. This latest interaction would have really bothered the old me. It's certainly discouraging (though i'm not sure it was a FULL two steps back - time, of course, will tell) but I'm not taking it personally.

Mediation seems like it would be less adversarial than going the full-blown lawyer route. At SOME point she has to confront the fact that, unless she resorts to outright extortion, she's not going to get the golden parachute out of this she seems to expect - but if someone ELSE gets to point that out to her, so much the better for me (and whatever hopes there remain for 'us'). If nothing else, throwing the suggestion out there may slow the momentum even further, giving me more time.

I saw some pictures from her Christmas with her family and some of the pre-wedding festivities with her sister, and in THOSE settings she still wears her ring. I havent seen it in over a month, so if nothing else I was relieved she hand't sold it or tossed it off the bridge. But something another friend last night had told me was that my wife seemed very confused - that certainly seems like it might be the case.

At the very least, no more going down cheeseless tunnels and making things worse out of me...

[kolja]

Last night was a bit of a personal triumph - first time driving in over six months (there were 2 different license suspensions, one the DoL does just for you being charged, the other a statutory 30 day suspension for the reckless driving conviction - and it didn't seem worth it to reinstate in between, but I digress). It took me an extra day because after not having been driven since my dad visited a couple months ago, the truck battery was pretty stubborn about taking a charge. But last night I went out and got firewood and visited a drive through for the first time since I don't know when. I was then able to have a nice fire for the second time all season. Our furnace is just fine, but there's something I've always loved about the sight, sound and smell of a wood fire in the fireplace

Pretty quiet so far today. She came home at some point while I was getting ready to leave for work (again it sure seems her living arrangements are strange - her problem, not mine, but an interesting reflection on where her head is that she'd rather put herself through this than give our marriage a chance right now...).

She was pretty withdrawn today - I'm sure fatigue from what for her are some bizarre sleep patterns and the stress of the big wedding coming up (her sister has something like 270 guests, she said) was a large part of it, I'm sure like Gunny said she's also frustrated that I'm not just going to give her a boat load of cash to make an easy escape from the marriage. However, I was pleasant and upbeat greeting her and wishing her a good day when I left to DRIVE off.

[kolja]

In the getting-a-life department, last night was good. A good friend of mine has been off training for a 9 month stint in Afghanistan and is currently home on leave. Last night I was able to meet up with him and his wife to catch up and have some laughs, which was very nice.

Also, his wife loaned me "The 5 Love Languages" and "Rescue Your Love Live" (I really kind of wish I could read faster).