The trip home has been really good. I've been doing some great GAL activities. Been having alot of good conversations with my family.
Christmas was good for the most part... I didn't wake up missing my wiife and enjoyed the kids.. But alot of stuff happened that started stirring up feelings. And by Monday morning, I was angry.
It makes sense to me that I would have a hard time being around my dad. With my mom being so sick, one would think since that because she MUST work for the health insurance, that it only be right that my dad wouUld pick up the slack on the house chores but he doesn't.
My w did that. I was expected to do the house work because I didn't work frequently. I had no problem except that when I did work... I still had to do the house chores.
I got upset at my sister's boyfriend. Kids had just woken up for Christmas and he came out and immediately turned on Espn. When my sister asked him to turn it off, he threw a fit like a 5 yr old.. And pouted all day.
My wife did that too.. And I remember trying to damnedest to make her feel better. Seeing his behavior made me sick.
This was the 1st year that I could have cookies or junk food. I had no problem supporting my wife with her problem foods, but I always got punished for being thinner. Her favorite was "you snooze, you lose". That justified her eating all the desert... Which I could never understand as i was always glad to give her the last one.
And there were other things too. Reminders of how selfish she was, how she treated me... Reminders of how much of an effort I put in to make things better... And how my efforts went wasted.
It became extremely hard to stay focused on the good things.. I've never really been around reminders like this and although I am doing my best to stay positive, I find myself still angry 48 hrs later.
Incredibly angry at my wife. For all the ways she hurt me, rejected my efforts....
... Even down to her not texting me "merry Christmas" but texting me about the dumbest sh!t.
I'm also incredibly angry with myself. I feel stupid. Now that I see it in other people.. I ask myself.. "how did I not notice?!?
Or the big one is "why do I still want to be with her?" it's not really like my w is showing me anything different... Yet here I am... Still wanting to be with her. Even though I am confident I would not take my w back unless she was different... I still hope I would have a relationship with a woman.. That my wife isn't.
I know that this experience will lead to more healing.. I'm just having a hard time letting my anger go... And then I get angry about that.
I'm desperately trying to not take it out on my family. I feel irritated. I can sense it
I can sense that I'm giving my w too much power.. And instead of stopping it... It's just adding fuel to the fire.
Lots of prayer for me folks. I haven't felt such anger in awhile. It seems like the positive voices have turned into whispers. It seems my faith is being tested.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
