Peicing and hoping I'm doing the right thing.

[FreeBird0120]

Oh yeah Angel forgot to answer your question about Retrouvaille...we aren't legally married. We've been together for 14 years, so we're what your would consider common law, but I don't think you can attend Retrouvaille unless you're married. If I'm wrong then let me know, because I've heard such great things about it...

[angel61]

Oh Freebird,

I don't know, I think it is for married people, thats true.

You know, I think piecing is where the LBS is in turn struggling withtheir feelings, and the WAS is more decided than the LBS.

The ball is back in our court and we could sabotage this.

All I could say is you just have to not think the worst of him. Doesn't mean you have to trust him yet, just give him the benefit of the doubt. I try to avoid thinking of trust at this point, I just go from day to day. I sort of see trust as a long term thing, and until we are fully open.

Your pain is something you could control.... you have the power to allow yourself to feel it, indulge in a pity party, and just let all your efforts go down the drain.

Concentrate on yourself, look at what you need to be thankful for, count your blessings, and try to think of how you can turn this painful experience into something positive. I recommend you read the is book " Making Love Last Forever" by Gary Smalley. It shows how big the role of anger and resentment is in causing love to fly out of the window.

[FreeBird0120]

Thanks Angel:

You're absolutely right...I guess I realized that when I'm feeling down and defeated I come here...and that lately seems to be quite a lot.

On the other hand, H seems to be on board with trying to make our R work. I need to focus on that instead of the negative, but some days, the negative just slips into my thought process and jumps around my brain like a stupid trampolene...

Hope you and your H are doing well and know that you both are in my thoughts and prayers!!

HUGS!!

[FreeBird0120]

Okay so here's a quick update:

The other night (Friday) I was feeling particularly down. H and I hadn't really spent a lot of time together from Thur. to Friday as he is starting a business and has been pretty preoccupied with that and our D had her dance dress rehearsal Thur. and Friday night. We were supposed to meet Friday evening after D rehearsal for dinner. He was supposed to meet us at the theater at 6pm, and when he hadn't shown up I called him. He said he was at a bar up the street, and I instantly was annoyed. Now looking back, I shouldn't have been as upset by this as I was given that he'd tried calling me twice because he was running late so he decided to stop off there since it was close and wait for me to call. He said he'd thought that maybe the rehearsal was running a little late and didn't want to disrupt us.

Anyway, so being that I obviously showed my annoyance with him, he shut down. He ended up going to fix his mother's kitchen sink and said we'd meet up for dinner afterward. When I called him to tell him that we were finished, he then said that he wasn't hungry and to get me and D something to eat on the way home. By this time I'm feeling completely disregarded. I was looking forward to dinner with H and D.

So we get home and D immediately gets in the shower. H and I start talking and I tell him how I felt. He apologized and explained where he was coming from, and then it lead into a R talk. I finally was able to tell H where I was coming from. How I've been feeling in regards to trying to heal from what I knew of him and the OW. I told him every emotion I was feeling and how it's completely changed me. I told him I was broken and that I was trying to figure out how to heal and that I didn't know how. I told him how psycho I've been feeling and that I didn't blame him if he couldn't handle my feelings and emotions, that I could barely stand myself. He kept apologizing for how I felt and said that he understood that his actions led me to feeling this way. He was very remorseful. He then started crying and asked if I was trying to say goodbye without saying it. He said if felt like I was trying to get him to say goodbye for me so I didn't have to. I told him I wasn't, that I just didn't know how to heal, trust and feel secure again.

He offered to quit his job as OW works there and he knows how hard it is on me during the week knowing that he will see her from time to time. He said he's been really trying and doing things that he's never done before in hopes of showing me his commitment to me and our family. I told him that I wouldn't ask him to do that, but that I appreciated his offer. I told him to just hold on tighter when he feels me pulling away and he said he would hold on as tight as he possibly could.

Ironically the following song was playing in the background and it couldn't be more perfect so I'd like to share the lyrics with you guys. It's called "Everything Changes" by Staind. Read the words and if you have time listen to it:

If you just walked away
What could I really say?
Would it matter anyway?
Would it change how you feel?

I am the mess you chose
The closet you cannot close
The devil in you i suppose
'Cause the wounds never heal

But everything changes
If I could
Turn back the years
If you could
Learn to forgive me
Then I could learn to feel

Sometimes the things I say
In moments of disarray
Succumbing to the games we play
To make sure that it's real

But everything changes
If I could
Turn back the years
If you could
Learn to forgive me
Then I could learn to feel

When it's just me and you
Who knows what we could do
If we can just make it through
The toughest part of the day

But everything changes
If I could
Turn back the years
If you could
Learn to forgive me
Then I could
Learn how to feel
Then we could
Stay here together
And we could
Conquer the world
If we could
Say that forever
Is more than just a word

If you just walked away
What could I really say?
And would it matter anyway?
It wouldn't change how you feel

Love and Hugs to you all!!

FB

[FreeBird0120]

I truly hope and pray that all of my DB family and friends had a blessed holiday.

It's now back to the grind, and time for another update:

So over all our Christmas was pretty good. H has still been trying to show more affection and we spent a lot of quality time together this past week which I enjoyed tremendously. For the last week prior to Christmas I started feeling more confident in us and more secure. I knew that would only last for a little while though as I realize I'm still on this roller coaster ride from hell as we are piecing. Piecing is so DANG HARD!!

Christmas Eve however, H started to seem a little off. I don't know how to explain it, I could just feel that something was off. I tried not to read too much into it as I realize that the holidays are a very stressful time, and we are still going through so much. I tried to be as supportive as I could even though I was falling apart inside with absolute tangible fear. Fear that he was missing OW, fear he would call her to wish her happy holidays, fear that all of this was becoming too much for him. Just so much fear.

Twice now he's ended up on the couch. Once because he woke up in the middle of the night and the second because he'd originally fallen asleep on the couch. When I tried to wake him up for bed, he was very irritated. I just ignored it, but those two nights he didn't so much as face me in bed. Lately we've been cuddling a lot, so when he got in bed and turned his back to me, of course I started thinking the worst.

Now with his new business, he's been working long hours, which I understand and have expected, but I still get scared that with him being away so much, it will be so much easier and more tempting to be in contact with OW. Because I don't fully trust him right now my mind goes to every possible scenerio involving their convo's and meet-ups...even if they aren't happening right now...I feel like I'm going crazy, so again I ask is this my intuition speaking to me, or am I just paranoid and expecting the worst, because he lied to me so much.

UGH!!! I feel like a psycho woman!!!

BTW, I missed all of you guys!!

All my love,
FB <3

[MynameisMZ]

You are not a psycho-woman! You have been hurt. I go through these things too. I think it is a combo of PTSD (think the event is still happening) and your intuitive radar being all messed up.
It took a h3ll of a ding you know.....

In the end you really have no control over H at all. As our MC used to say to me when I was insecure if A had really ended or not, were they still in contact, "If he is, SHAME on him!" Heck, that A "ended" summer 2010 and I was still thinking he was up to something 2 weeks ago! FB, I'm not ashamed to admit it, I went to his office when I knew he was out and I searched his computer. I didn't find anything and I know how to go down several layers and in different places. But it FELT so real to me! So, just know your radar is compromised right now.

I don't know if this is what you experience, but usually when I have an intuitive hit that turns out to be true, I'm actually pretty calm. When it's wrong, I've received the hit with anxiety.
I'm trying to decipher this a bit more.

In the end, you will not get anywhere by questioning/confronting him. Stick to the DBing routines that work. And if you have to....trust but verify. I feel like I deserve to know the truth.

[MynameisMZ]

I've been over on Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy forum section because it has some super strong women there. I get a lot of strength from their posts. Check it out.