What else could I have done?

[antlers]

I've been feeling a lot of regret and sadness lately, especially regret for my past behavior toward those I loved. And sadness that I lost my wife and my family because of it.

I've struggled for 3 years with what to do about my feelings. I've mostly suffered. Some days have been better than others, and I've tried to be strong, but I just feel a deep and profound regret and sadness for the reasons stated above.

Doing "something good and constructive" makes all the sense in the world. I've mostly just existed for the last 3 years, I certainly haven't 'lived'.

My possible choices are to continue to do what I have been (suffering and being overwhelmed by this grief)...or to do something "good and constructive". I'm wondering how to not be overwhelmed by this regret and sadness? I WANT TO LIVE!

I do need to heal. I don't feelade much progress at all on that. The acute phase of this awfulness is over, but now it's the deep seated stuff that I'm dealing with.

I must begin to heal. I realize that, and I want to, but I haven't, and don't know how to bring it about.

It is regret and remorse for past actions and behaviors...I started working on repairing and learning from it before she left...and I've continued to work on repairing and learning from it over these 3 years. I've learned a lot, but unfortunately not much has been repaired between those I loved and myself. Specifically with my oldest daughter and her mom. My youngest daughter and I were doing fine until last November. Now she and I are estranged. On the other hand, I have made much progress on repairing what made me a broken person (thanks to the work of Steven Stosny). I'd give anything if I could take my new knowledge and experience and go back to a certain point in my life. But I don't get to.

I am still working on repairing and learning, and they still feel monumental to me. They still feel like problems. Especially when the regret and sadness kick in. My son chooses to live with me, and he and I do OK for the most part. But he has some deep seated anger, and depression, because of the events of the past 3 years...and honestly, some due to what he experienced himself for the previous 5 years or so...at my hands.

I am working to fix, repair, and counter manay negative traits I had...and I've been doing that for over several years now. I do feel, for the most part, that I'm doing all I can do. But I should be doing a much better job of it though. I don't think there's anything else to say...but there is much to do. Getting stronger, living as opposed to existing, etc. Actions truly do speak louder than words. I've made so many mistakes during the past several years, even though my intentions were good.

I have apologized, sincerely, ad nauseum, to all involved. Those apologies haven't meant sh!t to my ex. My youngest 2 kids have accepted the apologies, and my oldest daughter has to a lessae degree...her loyalty is to her mother. I feel like I have repaired many flaws in myself so far. Some flaws between my youngest kids and I have been repaired, although they still have unpleasant memories. And I might add that they have used those memories to try and control and manipulate me over the past few years some. I feel nothing has been repaired between my ex and I. She told me last month that she "hates" me still, and "you haven't changed at all". My oldest daughter fluctuates, and has during the entire time since her mom left, but is consistently 'anti-me' the overwhelming majority of the time.

I am working on these flaws. I make more progress working on my flaws. I have more control over myself...I have no conrol over them. I'm really trying to have more self-compassion (something I didn't have), and compassion for others.

I truly am continuing to work on me. I've accomplished a lot, but there is so much more to do. I have no personal strength. I feel emotionally weak. But my realization, before she ever mentioned leaving to me, that I needed to make some changes within myself was a true realization. I really needed to do this no matter what. And I continue to work on it. I get sideteracked sometimes because of the remorse and sadness that I feel.

I'm all ears. Any question you could ask or observation you make that might help me in any way...let it rip.

I was tremendously oblivious to the love that they all gave me back then. And knowing how rare it is to be genuinely and truly cared about...it makes me hate myself to have taken it for granted like I did. I miss it. I will never take that kind of love for granted again, never. Hard to imagine that I will ever have it again. I likened it to standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst. Yes, that is an accurate recap.

I see your point. I probably radiate the regret and sadness that I feel. Did you see the text that my 15 y/o daughter sent me recently? I posted it in its entirety on December 14th. She disowned me as her dad. She's pissed. And I could see huge influences in that text from my oldest daughter, and some from her mom too. Ever since then, about once a week, I've still been sending text messages to my 2 daughters...just to let them know that I'm thinking about them. They've gone ignored. But I still do it. My son and I spend a lot of time together since he lives with me, by his choice. He knows I'm sad. He loves basketball, so we play outr front on a nice goal I got him for his birthday, and we've been playing air hocky on a table that I got him for Christmas. He loves for me to watch him play X-box too, so I do. He and I take big trips...Phoenix, Las Vegas, Grand Canyon, etc. I like to hike and climb, hunt and shoot, ride motorcycles, and ride road and mountain bikes. He shows no interest in any of those things. That's OK. I still do them when I can, but he and I do things that he likes. My youngest daughter has shown an interest in hiking. My oldest daughter (I've been her dad since she was two) lives with her boyfirend, works full time and is a full time student in college. I don't hink my daughters are receptive to reconnecting any time soon. My oldest daughter has flat out told me that verbatim a few months ago. They have both establishesd a relationship with the new guy and spend time with their mom and him. That hurts. I was devastated, completely, with my wife leaving and the destruction of my family. I was weak in front of my kids. I couldn't help it. But they didn't like it! They jumped on me like wolves do to a wounded baby elk. That just worsened what I was already feeling. Thet actually resented the hell out of my weakness. Those acute stages of that stuff are over. But they still throw it up in my face occasionally (how I used to be). I need to be more focused on my son, and do a better job with him. He and I will continue to take the kind of trips we do. When we all were a family, we always took big trips on Spring Break and during the Summer.

I'm pretty sick of feeling like crap. I do exercise regularly (especially riding my road bicycles and mountain bicycles). These are things I started doing after she left. I can 'go' on a road bike...I've done some century rides, and it's not uncommon for me to do 50, 60, 70 miles or more on my day off and when the weather is conducive to it. The endurance aspect of it is appealing to me...those endorphins get going and marinate my gray matter for how ever many hours I ride.

It bothered me the first time they took a big vacation without me. We'd always taken such nice trips. I wish I'd have felt like I knew that I'd be alright no matter what from the git go, but I still don't feel that way...and I so want to! I do think that people are attracted to others who have a healthy view of themselves. I want to feel good about my future. I don't want to do anything ever again based on what my ex thinks about it, or based on what she might or might not do with it. Being sad and miserable isn't appealing, and has done no good at all, for anybody involved, including me. But I couldn't help it that I felt that way. I want to know in my bone marrow that I'll be alright no matter what. I want that to sink in. I want to get" that I can be happy again and will be, I want my life to improve.

I don't feel like I'm admired by anybody right now, especially my kids...even by my son who chooses to live with me! I was such a bastard for so long, then I got weak as a defenseless baby bird, and now I'm trying to recover from a loss that has nearly killed me emotionally. I darn sure want to create something other than what I've had in the past.

My relationship with my girls [censored]! There is a huge chasm there. I don't think my girls are receptive to anything about me right now. After getting that text that was authored by my daughters, I see that things are at their worst with them since our family was dissolved. Youngest is 15, oldest is 22. Youngest and I were fine, until I sent the letter of concern to her mom, which her mom showed her immediately. She felt like I'd betrayed her truct. Then she attacked me for things that she's told me many times that she forgave me for. And her big sister influenced her a lot, and so did her mom. I've heard them say the very things that my youngest daughter mentioned in the text. And, they are angry, I believe, about the discussion that my exMIL and I had about exW's infedility. Right now, I can work harder on the relationship with my son. I have tried very hard with my oldest daughter ever since her mom left, and she has been hostile toward me for the most part since then. I feel like she has divorced me to. She has let me know that she's not interested in "rebuilding a relationship" with me right now. She'll go through very short periods where she wants to see me, then disappears from my life again. I personally believe that it's never too late to start doing what's right.

I want to make up for the years of ewmotional abuse, and I want to repair things with my kids. My exW told me last month that she couldn't care less about my life, and I should feel the same way about hers. So, nothing else should be about her. The only thing holding me back with my kids are...that text which describes their feelings about me right now...and the fact that I'm weak and not healed. I don't think they like that. If they don't want me in their life right now...it doesn't seem like forcing my way into it would be the best thing to do. Ever since she left, my exW has resented me having a good relationship with any of my kids. And she has put forth effort, and still does, to undermine the kids and I having a good relationship. The pain that I felt as a result of losing my wife and my family has influenced my relationship with my kids in a negative way.

I really do want to make the most of what I do have now. I want to get over what I lost. I want to get past it. I've had enough morose regret. I'd like to be able to let go of this pain that I'm holding on to. My kids do deserve better from me than what they've gotten so far...my pain and misery made them feel uncomfortable.