Asking for Help / Advice Please

[edgarb]

I was reading some great advice that 25yearsmlc was giving CO1978 in another thread and had some thoughts. Specifically, "Become a man only a fool would leave"

Well, I'm wondering, in my sitch, my EW is already with another man and they say they love each other and make each other very happy. They've only been together about 3 months though. So, hopefully they're still in the "honeymoon" stage of their relationship. I guess, what happens if she never looks back to me? I know, I'll be a better person at the end of it, but what I really want is to be with my EW. I would just love for her to come back and I knwo we could be such a happy couple like we once were. The trouble is, I'm starting to believe she's moved on in her own mind and doesn't want to try again. Any suggestions?

[edgarb]

I'm so mad right now I can hardly think. I got a text from the EW today about the dog toy she's supposed to set up for me. She said she wouldn't be able to come by to help and she was going out of town for several days (to see boyfriend). Then she sent pics of how to set up the toy. I asked if shed' be able to help when she got back and she said "I don't know. hopefully i can get over there to see [our dogs] next week anyway. i have some christmas gifts for them"

I just said "Ok. Have a nice trip. thanks for sending those pics"

I was having a very nice 2 days of not thinking about her so much and now I'm just angry at her for who knows what. I'm just venting I guess but I want to tell her that you have had plenty of time to come do this if you wanted. if you don't want to help me then just say that you don't want to and be done with it. Also, stop going to see boyfriend and come see me for a change. I don't know why, but I'm also mad at her for buying christmas gifts for our dogs. I'm just tired of her trying to pop in and see them when she wants. I know I promised her I could see them whenever she wanted but I'm starting to regret that promise. We had a big fight over this once already and didn't speak for a month but I wish I could just say don't bother coming to see the dogs because we're trying to move on with out you. Ugh. Thanks for letting me vent.

[CO1978]

Hey Edgar, just checking in on you and how your DB coaching session went. Hope all is well!

[edgarb]

Hey CO1978, thanks for checking in. I had a really good session with my DB coach. One of the things I realized is that with the example where the ex said she wanted to go hiking and I said I'm going, you can come with me, and she didn't respond is that I can use that as an opportunity to show that I'm not the clingy / needy person I was there for a while. Also, I decided no contact for a while because I was probably texting a bit too much. I wasn't really getting negative responses from her but more like just short ones a lot of the time. We figured if I just detatched again for a little while maybe the space would help create some positive communication in the future.

Also, I haven't looked at her FB page since last wednesday. I have been dying to look and see how the weekend went for her (she spent it with new boyfriend's family for Christmas) but I'm going to hold off a bit longer at least. Although it's been tough not knowing what she's up to, it's really helped my mood and has helped me to detach some. Don't get me wrong, I love her just as much as always but as we all say to each other....it's a marathon. I can't control what she's doing so why let it bother me so much. It feels much better anyway.

She wanted to come by this week to give some presents to our dogs and if she does, i intend to be there. I've been leaving, well, once at least, so she got that time with just dogs and not having to worry about me. I feel like she'll try to avoid seeing me again though. She already said on Thursday (last time I talked to her) that she might not have time to make it. I'm not going to let it ruin my day though. It will hurt, sure, but I'll be OK.

One of the things my DB coach reminded me was this: What I'm doing is slow, but it is solid.

In October we could hardly speak without arguing or without me pleading to come back. We talked practically none for about a month. Then, out of the blue, she texted. We have had some positive interactions, and even shared a bit of our new lives. I miss those things sometimes if I don't have my DB coach to point them out for me. Anyway, today is another day. Thanks for all of the support everyone! Merry Christmas!

[edgarb]

Wow, the weather is nasty here today. I've had a few ups and a few downs over the last few days, and thought I'd share / journal, and ask for some advice.

I spoke briefly to my EX yesterday. Well, speak really isn't the right word. I saw that the trailer for The Hobbit was released yesterday. EX and I are both big fans of the Lord of the Rings books and movies. Anyway, since it had been about a week since I talked to her via text message, I sent her an email with the link to the trailer. Didn't say much else, just that i thought she'd enjoy it. She responded that it looked awesome and she couldn't wait to see it. I sent no reply to that email.

Still nothing from her as to when or if she might come by to give the dogs the present she supposedly bought them. I really don't know how to take that, and I guess I'm overanalyzing. On the one hand, maybe she just wants to see the dogs but she can do that anytime. On the other hand, maybe she wants to see me. I kind of see her doing something like asking to come over on Christmas Eve or something because she knows I'll be with my family. I really want to be there when she comes. I'm thinking that if she wants to come during a time I'm not there, then I may say I'm sorry, but I'm super busy and won't be able to get back home to leave a key, or conveniently "forget" to leave a key if she asks in advance. Then I could text her after I was gone and tell her I forgot so she wouldn't make a busted trip.

She has really been trying to avoid me lately. It's not because of anything I've done to upset her...we've had nice conversations lately. I just get the idea that she is either afraid to see me b/c she might still have feelings, or she doesn't want to have to tell new boyfriend that she saw me or lie to him and say she didn't when she did. Either way, she's had chances to see me but hasn't taken advantage of them. Getting her to do that is one of the goals I set with my DB coach.

Now, if she does come over, I intend to be there. I'm not going to do anything but project a happy mood and certainly won't talk about the relationship, etc. The way I see it is this, if she has truly moved on, it won't matter what I do so seeing me won't hurt anything. Second, it could kindle some feelings. I guess also it could turn her off so much that she decides that she never wants to see me again, but I doubt that would happen.

Any thoughts or ideas on this? Any advice is very much appreciated. I need it lol!

[edgarb]

Should I text to say Merry Christmas?

[edgarb]

Christmas was a very tough time for me. I spent Christmas Eve with my family and that was nice, though I teared up a few times. Afterwards I went to my house to get my dogs and head back with them to mty parents house. I broke down at my house because after the celebration with my family is the time that my EW and I would exchange our gifts with each other. I sent her a text just to say that I hope Santa Claus was good to her and Merry Christmas. She didn't respond until the next day but she said Merry Christmas. On Monday, I was off work so I played with my dogs. i had gone ahead and made the dog toy she was supposed to come by and make. I sent her a few pics of the dogs playing and one in their santa hats. She seemed excited but down that she can't spend more time with them. Well that's her fault. But anyway, I did something totally against DB. I said I guess it's my fault you can't spend more time with them. I know I shouldn't have done it, but I was in such a sad mood all weekend that I just broke down and sent it. Great job reminding her of my faults, huh? Anyway, she didn't respond to that. Later I was working on putting in a floor at my room at my parents house and found an old toy she gave me. It was a stuffed gorilla that sang a song about love. I sent her a pic of it and asked if she had given it to me. It would have been like 10 years ago and I couldn't remember. Anyway, she just said "yeah i did". So another mess up on my part. I'm going to try and stay away from talking to her today. I just still miss her so much and so much of the time it seems like she is really trying to move on. That hurts me so much. I know we could have a great life together if she would let us. I've been doing some home remodeling and that's been nice, but i wish she could see it. She said after the first of the year she'd have some time to come see the dogs. I hope she follows through. I feel like we both think that if she sees me she will remember at least some feelings, and i think that's why she's avoiding me. Oh well, hopefully things will pick up.

[labug]

You sound so down, it's so hard to be in that place.

I think you are right to cut out the contact with her because it's like picking at a scab. Each time you don't get the response you crave, it hurts all over again and it's probably not having the affect on her that you would like. She needs to see you as strong and in charge of your life today! You may not feel that was but that's where 'acting as if' comes in. Try it.

Hope you have a better day today.

[CO1978]

I agree with labug, you really have to cut off contact, no matter how hard it is, especially the way you are feeling right now, you are your own worst enemy. Being alone really [censored] because all you do is think of WAS, so get out a bit (go to the mall or something, get a hair cut, join a gym, take dogs out). I wouldn't contact her again until she makes first contact with you. Stay strong, I know what you are going through, you are better that this.

[purgatory]

So sorry the holiday was rough for you. Don't beat yourself up for the few
'bad-choice' texts you sent. You've already realized that it probably wasn't the right thing to do, so just use it as a learning experience and try to avoid it again.

" I feel like we both think that if she sees me she will remember at least some feelings, and i think that's why she's avoiding me."

You might be onto something here ^^^^^^. Just remember, that even though she walked away, she still has to go through a grieving process too. She is focused on herself right now and doing what she feels she needs to do. Many people have said that their WAS feels like an alien because they say and do things that are uncharacteristic. [My H told me that it took him 5 months to come to grips that he wanted out of our M. Of course he didn't tell me this until after the 5 months, so he had a gentle detachment because we were still hugging/kissing/ML. meanwhile, once he told me- all of those things went out the window and I feel like all the oxygen has been sucked out the world!]

Try to not contact her at all. Wait for her to reach out to you. Let her set the stage for any R talks, if you bring it up ("I guess I'm the reason you can't spend time with them") is only going to make her irritated.

What things are you doing to GAL? I think it's great that you have your dogs to give you some distraction. Is there a dog park that you could meet new people at? Try meetup.com, they have a listing of a variety of social groups in your area, maybe there is one for dog people. Try to think of other things that you can do to show her that you are fun and attractive... join a gym, take a class to learn a new skill, go on a trip.

It will get easier... wish I had a crystal ball to give you a timeline.