Wife Left (Part 2)

[CO1978]

Thanks for all the support everyone. My PMA isn't always as strong as I'd like it to be. I know I do well in front of her, but I must admit, when she isn't around, more than even before, I can't get her out of my mind. No matter what I am doing and how much I GAL. I said it before, I feel like a teenager in love. I still have my breakdowns and cry once in a while. I just have to have faith and when she is around I have to "Be prepared" (you like that Crimson?) All the advice here has helped so much, and like the books say you have to choose which methods or combination of methods suit you best. Most of what I do, (besides listen and validate) is read her body language and facial expressions and go from there. I almost feel like a therapist! I really wish I had known how to really talk to her years ago. I have always known how to communicate what I want and what I needed, but never really LISTENED, and now I am seeing how she is responding, and I love it. I can only imagine what it would be like if she were still in love with me.

[edgarb]

CO1978,

Keep up the good work, seems as if you may be making some progress! Glad you had a Merry Christmas!

[purgatory]

Glad you are figuring out what she needs needs from you- keep it up!! I can relate to the 'listening'... my H always said that I would somehow turn his venting session into an issue with me. I'm ashamed that I made his feelings unimportant (not that I never cared, I just didn't know how to really **listen**.) Just like your W, my H is responding well and he actually comes to me to vent/talk a lot more than he ever did!

I'd say you should keep up your efforts and even though she may never say it, I'm sure she notices. Who knows, enough of those 'good talks' and she may come around I just keep telling myself that this is a LONG journey.... I've heard it somewhere on this board, that it takes 1 month for every year that you've been together for the WAS to notice/acknowledge/accept changes in you. It's not an exact calculation, but it gives me a reminder that my H will not change in mind in only a month or two.

I think the breakdowns are healthy- it reminds you that you are human and that you're feelings for her are true. Glad you are able to 'prepare' yourself when she's around. Good job on GAL!!

[CO1978]

Thanks Purgatory, I hate my "old" self for not really listening to her when she would want to vent. She would usually go outside or in the basement and chain smoke and talk on the phone and vent to her mom. I remember her even saying she just wanted someone to vent to, I think I was so burned out/stressed out that I didn't want anything else on my plate. I hope she sees I am here now for her, even if I only get 15-20 minutes a day to let her vent to me, its a start. I think our spouses venting to us helps them build up some trust, and trust is one of the biggest things needed for them to love us again. Keep up the good listening!

[sunshine76]

Hey CO, I am so proud of you! It sounds like you are truly becoming a man that your wife would be a fool not to love.

You need to get over the self-hatred. You have beat yourself up enough over this and you are making conscious decisions everyday to become a better person/spouse.

You are right that allowing our spouses to vent helps to build trust and a deeper connection. I made the mistake of not listening and not asking and now she has found someone that will do those things for her.

You are doing great! Keep it up

[Crimson]

"I still have my breakdowns and cry once in a while. I just have to have faith and when she is around I have to "Be prepared"

Why yes, CO - I DO like that. Always better to be prepared than lucky. Of course, I openly welcome luck - but still.

I tell you, CO - the more I read about your W and your situation soooo many things sound like mine. I did a crappy job listening to my W, too - granted there are points where she could have been more clear before D day, but still - I definitely could have done a better job. I, too, struggle with hating myself for it and the fallout that it has caused.

Be glad that she is venting to you! That is a sign of trust and progress. I'm still trapped in the "we talk only about baby and business" phase. Were you ever there? How long? It totally sux.

Keep moving forward, seems again like you are doing OK. Granted, I don't know much about the inner-workings, but I have a lot of hope for your family.

Crimson

[CO1978]

Crimson I was there, but it wasn't for too long. The first couple of weeks was torture, I asked her questions and she kept the replies short. As time went on more eye contact was being made, and she actually seemed enthused to talk to me instead of cold and "why does he keep talking to me, I just want to sleep" expression. As I said the last morning we talked, we had to stop because I was running late for work, not her saying she was tired and wanted sleep. She sat next to me on couch instead of on floor or on chair. She now says "Have a nice day" to me. I think we moved along well, it hasn't been 2 months yet since the bomb, so I am lucky. I was lucky to find this sight when I did. I don't have to deal with an EA or a PA, which honestly I am not sure if I could. People here are so strong to be able to do that. I am also lucky our S is a connecting point. Every sitch is different. Thanks everyone for all your support, you give me a lot of confidence to keep moving forward.

[Crimson]

Yeah, she seems to have a hard time making eye contact with me - or at least sustaining it. I often wonder if it's because she is afraid to connect (i.e. - have good memories) or if she is so disgusted she can't even look at me right now.

[CO1978]

You never know which it could be and honestly you shouldn't care which it is. Just keep your eyes on hers, so she knows you are serious about wanting to talk & listen. Once my W noticed that with me, the only time I would let my eyes wonder is when she would take her eyes off me, I would take a couple seconds to check her out(and oops she caught me oh darn) and look her back in the eyes.

[CO1978]

Today I took S bowling with a couple of friends, stupid place we went to only allowed us one hour because of it being league night. S had a good time and so did I. We decided to go to Friendly's for dinner and ice cream. As we were leaving I got a call from W. She said that she got a text from me, I said yeah I got your reply saying you got it. She asked if it was alright if she stopped by to get her mail. I told her it was fine, but I wasn't home right now. She said, oh yeah you went out bowling. I told her how we were done and going to Friendly's. She said, oh I just passed the one at the mall as I left work is that the one you are going to. I said, yes. She asked if S had fun, he did. I then told her she could get the mail now or wait until tomorrow when I was home. She said she wanted to get it now, because the one was her credit card bill. She complained about the fees. I told her how she could join my bank (USAA) since she is a spouse of a veteran, and probably it would be the best banking for her. She seemed interested in the suggestion and I explained how she can go about doing it. That was pretty much it for conversation, so we said our good byes. We got to Friendly's, S only wanted ice cream, so it was a pain trying to get him to eat some of his dinner. All and all it was a fun time out. Love this time I am having with S. As I said before I am upset it took this separation for me to get more involved with him. I really do feel good. Not even really sure what else IC can do for me at this point. I know there is always room for improvement, and I want to keep going to IC at least once every month or two to make sure I keep on track. I do think that if I was suffering from any kind of depression, I am breaking out of that funk.