First post, words of wisdom needed

[labug]

Can you challenge yourself to do something by yourself that you've never done before, maybe once/week?

I love to go to the movies but had a really difficult time going alone the first time. I cried! I felt like everyone was looking at me "Look at that poor thing, all alone at the movies."

I now enjoy it 'cause I can see what I want, when I want and don't have to worry about whether the person with me likes it. (that's my co-de rearing its ugly head)

Anyway, set a goal to get out and do things, something new once/week.

[CO1978]

Hey Sunshine, just stopped in to check in on you and see how you are doing.

Is this what you were talking about? 2the point had posted it in another thread, maybe you can get some help by reading it also?

This was originally posted by Peanut.
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II. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship. Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done. Our ego gets wounded and we are more inclined to those actions that will undermine our very best chances of accomplishing our goals. We can not control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness. If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love. Met with love we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals. On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’ It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I can not control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."

I really need to figure out how to be ok with being alone. I have always absolutely hated it!!! The funny thing is that when I am put in a social setting I am a people magnet, for some reason I just don't allow myself to create relationships with these people. I know I need to get my a$$ back out there into the real world. You are right GALing by myself is something that I really need to do, if for no other reason than to prove to myself that YES I can stand on my own two feet and be happy and ok.

Again we are so much alike, I am right there with you. Can you ask yourself what is holding you back? Just go try something new, heck it doesn't have to be something you think you are interested in, just get out there.

[Rick1963]

Hey Guys. GALing means alot of different things to alot of different people. To me it means to do things that you like, hopefully some will be new activities. For example I attended a Divorce Care group, started going to church, I take rides to the ocean and read, I walk during work hours excercise more days, ride my bike etc... I also think that one must do things that makes us attractive. This will make the WAS wonder if you are seriously moving on and leaving them behind. You need not tell them what you are doing, remember you are single now and you WAS does not want an R with you(I don't mean to start dating). The one thing that has been suggested to me is to meet new people. Hard to do but nescessary.

[sunshine76]

Hey CO, it's great to hear from you!!! I have been following your sitch along and you are doing great. Keep up the good work buddy.

Thank you so much for posting that article about detachment. It helps to wrap my mind around what it actually entails. If only there was a step by step plan of action I would be good to go!

The thing that is holding me back from GALing is the fact that I am absolutely terrified that if I am not around it is going to be even easier for my W to get over me. I miss her and when she gets home from work I want to see her, but I know that this is backfiring on me. The fact of the matter is that she is already over me and has moved on with someone else. Mentally I understand that GALing is for me, but when you are extremely depressed just the thought of having fun and putting on a smile is exhausting.

Thanks again CO!!!

Hey Rick, you are right I really need to accept the fact that I am single now. I wish that I had the urge to date someone it would make this so much easier. Unfortunately, I feel like I never want to be with anyone again (hopefully this passes with time). Lucky for me my W is extremely thoughtful and I'm sure would have no problem setting me up on a date so that I would be out of her hair

I am going to get on the meetup website again today and find at least 1 activity and actually attend it. I have signed up for a couple, but couldn't force myself to go. It's time to start pushing myself out of this freak'n box.

[CO1978]

...but when you are extremely depressed just the thought of having fun and putting on a smile is exhausting.

I know when I felt this way, something very strange happened. The more you fake happiness when you are out, the more happiness actually happens and the more being happy becomes easier. The next thing you know the fake smile is real, and you are having fun, and not thinking of sitch. Sounds strange, but it was true for me. I am not saying I am always walking around full of glee all the time, but I am detaching and feeling a lot better about life.

[sunshine76]

Hey CO, I have been doing a pretty good job of faking it so hopefully I will begin reaping the benefits at some point.

I sent W a funny text of our dog 5 days ago. She never responded and I did not text her again.

So this morning I get a text from her:

"Sorry I just got this text. My charger broke. This is so cute. I hope they are not killing you. Please think of when you want to go see your grandparents for your getaway" (she told me she wanted to send me to visit my grandparents since I was staying home and watching the dogs for christmas).

Ok, first of all she once again is lying about her charger and thinking that I am an F'ing idiot (she loses chargers all the time and replaces them immediately because she cannot be without her phone) Second of all I think the only reason why she wants me to go visit my family is so that OW can come visit her. I am so angry right now.

I do not plan on texting her back until this evening. I need advice on what I should text back. I was thinking something like this...

"I am having a great time with the dogs. I just got back from taking Bowie (our great dane puppy) on a play date with my friend that has a lab puppy"

Ok first of all I don't have a friend with a puppy, but she can lie so why can't I?? On the other hand I am planning on taking him to the beach so maybe he will meet a lab puppy.

Agghhh I know I should not be lying, but she totally has the upper hand, is lying to me all the time and is screwing some OW!!!

Like I said I have not replied to her text. If anyone has any suggestions I am all ears. I don't want to do the wrong thing because I am angry.

[CO1978]

I wouldn't even text her back at all, not today/tonight anyway.

[sunshine76]

Hey CO, in the past I would have gotten mad at her for not texting me back and I probably would have ignored her or made some comment like, "thanks for texting me back."

I am nervous that if I ignore her text she will think that I am just doing the same stuff that I used to do and that I am mad (which I am). Do you still think that I should ignore her? Sorry to bug you, but you seem to be really good at this 180 stuff so I respect your opinion.

[workinghardguy]

Ignore it. It doesn't require a response and really doesn't warrant one. If you do text her back do it tomorrow and make it short.... something like "Thx. They're fine"

As far as getting mad about the charger thing... why wrap yourself around this? Maybe it is the truth. Maybe it's not... but does it really matter? Hell, she texted you back even if it was delayed. Take that as a small positive and move on.

Don't create rain clouds where they don't already exist.

And as far as her motivations for sending you off... again, don't mindread. If you want to go, go. If you don't, don't. But don't allow her and the OW to dictate what YOU do with YOUR life. Talk about still being firmly attached... let them go... and btw... if she's screwing some OW, she's going to find a way to do that whether you're on a trip or not. Don't delude yourself that your presence makes a difference.

[CO1978]

its not so much as you are ignoring her, its you are too busy (at least you will be, won't you!!!!), and it is really not that urgent to get back to her is it? She never actually asked you a question, only made a statement, so IMO it doesn't require any attention. Like my W just recently got TM service on her new phone account. I sent her a text (I shouldn't have but...) to tell her what mail she got today, and to see if it worked from my phone (I don't have texting, I use Yahoo messenger to do my texting). She replied about 40 minutes later, "yes it works". I have no need to reply to that. Just because they text us back, doesn't mean we have to jump and text them.