many of them enjoy what they do and couldn't imagine doing anything else. I've also heard nothing but good things when we've worked with American soldiers. It's a great time to share ideas, find different ways of doing things. I've personally had the opportunity to work very closely with your Marines on a couple of occasions. Wouldn't trade it for anything, 'Semper Fi.'
"Did I turn her into the selfish monster that she has become? I hope not... But I DO accept responsibility for being the catalyst that started this nightmare."
I like your use of the word 'catalyst' here. Yes, some of our actions may have helped to push things along. Sometime's a lot. Very often though, when when a person/S goes through a radical, persistent change in their behaviour like this there's a sizeable part of this that has little to do with us. Issues that they have to sort out within themselves.
Sure, we listen to what they have to say. The key points that they consistently single out, we take a look at these and do our best to work them out one by one. If there are others that are a bit bizarre, keep shifting around, or unreasonable...well, they get filed under the 'later gator' category. (My WAW said I was being too controlling because, among other odd stuff, I wouldn't sign everything to her in the D. Said I needed to work on this and let go of everything...huh?!)
As I've told another, I know this is not easy at times but try not too much waste energy going over, 'if I would have done such and such this wouldn't have happened.' Often, when a person/WAS has finally sorted through this type of thing they have reported that, 'even if my spouse had been perfect this would have happened anyway.' (Aside from seeing this on the boards here, I have personally heard this myself a few times from 3 different individuals, my WAW being one of them.)
"Why do I love her... Or am I in love with the memory or shadow of the past?"
This is normal for this to keep coming up. Expect it. You were hit with a freight train all at once and now are having to deal with this face-to-face for the first time. Give yourself permission to feel this way. Know that it's ok if you can only pick up one piece at a time and not two. Keep pointing yourself in the right direction. As this moves along it will become more workable. Detachment will become more routine.
"I hate what my W has become... So cold, selfish & hurtful."
Speaking of detachment, FYI, your WAW is much more detached than you are at the moment. Your W has had a lot longer to detach. Also, she probably has a sort of empty feeling in her pushing her further away.
Before the bomb, your W had probably been feeling increasingly out of sorts for around 6 months, maybe even up to a year before dropping the 'bomb.' Like something's not quite right. Finally, like a wound up rubber band it snapped. I've seen this pattern with my WAS and many others. (Read lots on it too.)
To add to this, she probably has a lot of conflicting thoughts going on inside and believes if she moves on she'll be better. (Note here: Don't bother trying to explain this to her. It'll go in one ear and out the other. Probably cheese her off too. WAS's don't like to know they are being analysed!)
In short, this is just to help your own piece of mind somewhat to understand what's probably going on with W. Don't forget to keep writing in your own personal journal. Also, I noticed you scheduled some C sessions. Excellent, helps to work this out with an experienced guide.
Keep chipping away at positive things you can do for yourself. Keep pointing yourself in a good direction. Remember to excuse yourself when you trip up. Your detachment will get better and better.
I haven't posted much in the last seven years. I've been a lurker. Just lookin' to put back all the good help I've gotten...
