"My W answered the door and started joking with me right away."
Mark that one in your book of positives and ignore all the other stuff. Only record the positives and avoid the negatives. Do what works as Sandi2 likes to say.
Have a Merry Christmas and safe travels!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Thanks, 2. I could always afford to be more positive in a situation like this!
X-mas weekend was awesome. Lots of great food, great visits with people (especially little sis), and great presents. I got quite a bit of money (which will mostly go to new clothes -- no more baggy, ill-fitting pants) and one of the new Kindles, an upgrade from my old one. I'll be giving the old one to my little sis, who also loves to read. Conditions on the road to and from were excellent.
W texted me today to ask when I would be stopping by to pick up the rabbit. I thought this was strange as she had originally told me that she would be leaving early this morning, but I answered around 4.
When I got there, I found that W was still there -- apparently, her flight would not be until much later in the night. I couldn't help but notice that W seemed unhappy. Not quite the summery demeanor that she had on Friday -- I chalked it up to the fact that she had to say goodbye to the rabbit and/or her folks, but who really knows. I adopted a very headstrong, "act-as-if" kind of demeanor and did not try to ask too many questions.
This was our brief exchange.
M: Hope the rabbit wasn't too much trouble.
W: Oh, no, he was fine. Did you have a good Christmas?
M: Yes, yes I did. Great food, great visits...you know.
W: Yeah. Sorry we couldn't keep the rabbit longer.
M: Yeah, I know you don't get to see him that often...
W: No, I meant so you could visit your family longer.
M: It's fine. I had to come back and do some stuff anyway. [My counseling appt. is tomorrow]
W: What kind of stuff?
M: Oh, you know, errands and things. Taking care of business.
W (sounding annoyed): I'm not sure what that means but okay. [folding her arms and looking at me in a way that I know means "I'm wondering about you"] I have to tell you that it doesn't look like you're eating enough.
M: I am. I just eat a lot healthier.
W: No, you look like you're not eating what you should. [pointing at my face] I can see your cheek bones.
M: No, really, I'm fine. I just eat good stuff and work out a lot.
W: Okay.
M: I'm going to get going then. Have a great flight.
W also gave me lettuce that had been bought specifically for the rabbit. There was a lot left over. This was odd as I'm sure that the ILs could have easily used it up for salad.
I'll admit that I was concerned about W's comment. I can see my cheekbones since my cheeks have sunk a little, and I can easily see my ribs when I take off my shirt. But I don't think that I'm starving myself. I just recently went to the doctor. I'm sure that if something was wrong, either he or the nurse would have told me.
It almost feels like my W has to believe that I'm starving myself because I'm depressed or something. I'm not sure why I have that feeling. I just do.
Thanks for the suggestion, kml. I tried it out with a couple of different height measurements and found that I came up "overweight" both times. I don't think I'm particularly obese, but at least I'm not starving, either. On a related note, I have not given my OCD very much thought at all in the last few months. I'm not sure exactly what it was that I had, but it definitely seemed like my W and her reactions to my thoughts were the common denominator.
Among the many things I did today, I met for the first time with my EAP-appointed counselor. I like her a lot. Contrary to the C's I've seen before, she's very vibrant and openly displays a sense of humor that helped me feel comfortable around her. She is also solution-based, which is good since I only get 4 or 5 more sessions with her for free.
I dove right in and told her about my sitch. She really reacted when I told her about my W telling me explicit details about her sex life with OM -- said something like, "What the he!!? That crosses so many boundaries, it's unreal! It's almost like emotional torture!" She seemed surprised that I sat there and took it, although I explained why I did.
She also really latched on to what I told her about still wanting to be with my W despite the way that I'm being treated and sometimes feeling like an R with her would not be good for me. She said, "You seem as though you are in limbo, and I think that's really why you came here." Perhaps it was, among other things.
The rest of the day was great. A lot of stuff got done. (BTW, running in a heavy rain to Massive Attack's "Inertia Creeps" is an awesome experience. )
I'm so glad to hear that the holidays went well. I'm like the idea of kindles but I think I would miss the feel of a book in my hand. It goes so well with my coffee.
You handled the conversation very well. Great DBing. Mark it as a positive and if you feel inclined.. Write down what worked to get u guys to this kind of communication because it is quite the 180.....
..... Of course whilst keeping no expectations and waiting for the pullback!
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
I too sometimes get to a point where I've just GOT to read a regular book. As cool as Kindles are, they will never kill the book, period. (I do admit that it sure helps when I read thick, heavy tomes like "Infinite Jest" or "Under the Dome.")
I'm glad that you noticed that interactions with my W have been somewhat more positive than they once were -- I've noticed, too. It's hard to know if it means anything. Maybe she's getting the idea that I'm going dark and that's going to stick, or perhaps she realizes that ranting and raving will only push me away further. Who knows.
Yesterday, I got an e-mail from my W. It was a forward of a message from the local "bunny spa," which is basically a great service for rabbits in the area to clean them up and give them a check-up for only a $10 "suggested donation." W wrote, "I keep getting these emails. But I thought I'd forward this one to you in case you're interested in taking [the rabbit]." I replied and said, "Thanks, I appreciate it."
Again, the tone just feels different. She may just genuinely want the best for the rabbit, but at least she's being nice in giving me the info.
I enjoy talking to Kirby Girl quite a bit. Where my W could be really uptight and critical, KG is mellow and welcoming. She has been encouraging me to loosen up and let go of my stinkin'-thinkin' ways.
I've still been working out pretty regularly -- I hit several muscle areas a couple of different times a week, and I alternate between jogging and walking almost every day. My strength and stamina are improving. I look in the mirror and feel really good about my body, which is something that I couldn't say before.
I've also been getting into men's fashion. For years, I was a pretty simple "T-shirt & jeans" kind of guy. Now I'm looking more at nice button-up shirts, dress slacks, sport coats, and ties. You won't catch me as a model in GQ or Esquire, but I'm starting to look snappier than I did. I can't explain it -- updating my wardrobe just makes me feel better. (I bought a lot of great clothes at marked-down prices at the mall with X-mas cash, but I found out that Goodwill has a lot of perfectly good clothing for dirt-cheap, too.)
Today, I managed to refinance my car into only my name. Not only did I get my interest percentage reduced, my required monthly payment went down $50. Good to know I've got some extra money to spare if I need it.
I also met with my C again today. We talked about how my OCD affected my R, my W's caustic behaviors, and how much I distanced myself from my family / based far too much of my life & worth on my W when we were still together. C says that she doesn't believe that a new R with W would stand a chance because both of us will have changed so much as people. I'm still keeping my mind open but will admit that my optimism for a solid recon has diminished much. A lot would have to change before I could consider working things out with W. Perhaps someone else might be a better fit for me. We will see.
C suggested that I continue exploring who I am as an individual, a process that she considered "taking back parts" of myself that I gave to W. I too recognize this as my primary goal and will continue to do so.
Sounds good! Love the Goodwill shopping too! I went out to a jazz club last week, wearing my sexy new $10-at-Ross dress, and my jacket was a dressy black velvet 1950's style jacket I bought at the Goodwill when I was in college....wait for it.....33 years ago!!! Boy did I get my money's worth out of THAT purchase lol!
Awesome story, kml! It's amazing some of the great stuff people will just give away. Makes me feel like I'm cheating the system or something.
Bit of a mishap today. I was supposed to have been credited $10 from my work for some items I bought early last month but hadn't seen anything deposited to my bank account. Upon some investigation, I found out that the back office had sent the money to the bank account that they had on file rather than the one that I had specifically put down on the compensation voucher. That means that they sent the money to my W's account, not mine. (We both used to be on hers.)
This was a somewhat annoying development, as the person helping me research it made it sound like it was my fault for "not marking on my voucher that the account # listed was a new account." (Then what was the point of putting it down at all?) In any case, they updated the account number, so it won't happen again.
But the matter of the $10 itself remains. It may not be a large amount, but every bit helps me out and, blast it, it's my money. I sent my W this e-mail:
By any chance, was there a mysterious deposit into your checking account for $10.93 around the 8th of December? Sadly, there was a goof-up at my work, and they sent that amount to your account instead of mine, not realizing that I am no longer attached to it. If there was, could you transfer that amount back to me? I would really appreciate it and apologize for the inconvenience. If you transfer it by phone, I'm sure that it would take less than five minutes. I have ironed things out at work, so it won't happen again.
Also, since I'm already mentioning finance, I thought I'd let you know that I was able to refinance the loan into just my name with no problems. Thanks so much for your help in the matter!
--WCF
We'll see what happens. I feel apprehensive and dread any kind of attempt she might make at using this to play her power games. If it turns out that way, to heck with it. It's just ten bucks.
I find it strange that she hasn't mentioned anything about it, as she is usually very meticulous about keeping her check book balanced. (It's something about her that rubbed off onto me.)
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