First post, words of wisdom needed

[~ kd ~]

When they are with the OP, they are (most likely) thinking about themselves and the OP...

In her mind, if she connected with you while with OW, she likely would feel like she's cheating on the OW...

Doesn't make sense, but...

[sunshine76]

Hey Kaffe, I appreciate your honesty. Not what I wanted to hear, but needed too.

Journal:

ugh I can't stop crying today. I think the reality of my sitch is sinking in. My W will be home in 3 days and I am going to have to try to put on a smile, pretend that I have no idea what has been going on and try to push back visions of her sleeping with OW.

I just feel totally overwhelmed, out of control and utterly sad.

In my previous post I talked about some of the 180's that I have been doing(that I thought were working), but now I am wondering if I was being a doormat. She responded positively to me, but I guess if someone was waiting on me hand and foot I would probably be nice to them as well.

Her love languages are words of affirmation and physical touch (she also loves my sense of humor).

Lately I have just been trying to be light hearted and joke around with her and I throw a compliment in here and there, but I don't want to make her uncomfortable so I don't go overboard with the compliments.

I could really use some advice with 180's. I admittedly stink at DBing, but I am making an honest effort.

[2thepoint]

Hey Sunshne - it has been said here that your smallest most consistent 180's are the ones that get noticed. So, if you have tried some 180's that you can't stick with, then best to drop those in favor of others.

Also, 180's aren't the only remedy. Those along with other things like getting a life and a positive mental attitude are what make you the most attractive. Of course if there are certain behaviors of yours that are really dragging your R down then you have to fix those.

But bottom line, work on the 180's but only do the ones that work. Also, whatever you are trying, make sure you have given enough time for the changes to set before abandoning them because you think they aren't working. If something isn't working, try something else.

I do think as a previous poster has stated, you should not be at home when W gets there. Have a plan and stick to it. Check out "meetup" on the internet for an activity that interests you on the day W gets home and go do it!

[sunshine76]

Hey 2thepoint, thank you so much for responding and giving me advice!

You are absolutely correct that Purgatory gave me amazing advice on how to handle W's homecoming and I am 100% commited to following her advice.

I am going to continue being upbeat, lighthearted, funny... but I am also going to throw some mystery in there. When this all started she told me that she wanted me to date other people (I was appauled) now I know it was so that she could feel better about what she was doing. Well I am certainly not going to date anyone, but that doesn't mean that I can't get dressed up nicely, walk out the door and let her mind think whatever it wants. Maybe in the future she will think twice before telling her partner that she wants them to date other people. I have to admit that I am nervous that creating a little mystery is going to backfire on me, but I don't have much more to lose so I guess it's really not that risky.

Thanks again 2the point. I hope that you are hanging in there. I am going to swing by your thread and check in on you.

[labug]

I think the creating mystery idea is about our Spouses not having a right to know where we are or what we are doing all the time. What they do know is that we are not sitting home pining over them in a miserable heap. That we are in fact GAL! Where their minds take them about WHAT we're doing is up to them.

[sunshine76]

Thanks for posting Labug I have been really struggling with GALing. I need to pick up the book about co-dependency that several people have mentioned. I never wanted to go out and get a life of my own and I wanted to be with my W all the time which obviously smothered her.

The few times that I have gone out and done something with the only 2 people that I know here it has made me sad because I wasn't sharing the experience with my W. Hopefully these feelings will start to dissipate soon (can you say co-dependent??)

Thanks again for posting and sharing your insight!

[purgatory]

Sorry you're having a rough day

GAL is really hard when you are used to sharing everything with your W. Maybe instead of gong out with your friends, you could find an enjoyable activity to do alone- scary, I know. I say alone only so that you won't feel like a 3rd wheel or envious of your friends being able to share an experience while you can't share with your W. I actually took up painting... I can only paint Irish knots (my grandma instilled my strong Irish heritage early in life) but the more intricate the know- the more calm I feel

Try to find a smile tomorrow (even if it's a thought about OW falling down the stairs, lol!)

[In_Shock]

KD is right. W told me once that she felt like she was cheating on OW by sleeping (platonically..) in the bed with me. Well, he@@ -- she'd slept in that bed for 13 years--- been messing with OW a month or so at that time. WTF? Their heads are really somewhere else!!!!

[In_Shock]

And Sunshine --- I'm thinking of you!!!

[sunshine76]

Hey Purg, I am sorry you are having a rough day as well!

I really need to figure out how to be ok with being alone. I have always absolutely hated it!!! The funny thing is that when I am put in a social setting I am a people magnet, for some reason I just don't allow myself to create relationships with these people. I know I need to get my a$$ back out there into the real world. You are right GALing by myself is something that I really need to do, if for no other reason than to prove to myself that YES I can stand on my own two feet and be happy and ok.

Painting Irish knots sounds like a cool hobby especially since your Grandma taught you

I actually used to make silver and gold jewelry. I still have all of my equipment, unfortunately I have no where to set it all up right now. I am going to start looking into some other hobbies...

LOL thanks for the vision of my wife tumbling down the stairs

Maybe I need to make a disclaimer on this board since everything that I say can and will be used against me.

Disclaimer:
I Sunshine76 honestly would NOT like to witness my wife tumbling down the stairs, being run over by a reindeer and/or being smacked with a stop sign (atleast not at this very moment)


Thanks for thinking about me IS. Your thoughts are greatly appreciated!

I looked for the article on detachment that you were talking about, but I'm not having much luck finding it. Do you happen to know the author's name? I hope you are hanging in there. It sounds like you are beginning to have some breakthroughs... I know it's exhausting, but keep up the good work.