WAW told me she idoesn't want to be married.

[25yearsmlc]

WITZ

I have revised and editted this post more than most...okay...this has to be it.

First, are you IN or near the Philly area? If so, then that may be the best news you have not heard yet. (Even if not, you can get there).

If you live within driving distance of Philadelphia then do yourself the biggest favor you can do for yourself (and your loved ones) &

Attend a personal growth communication workshop called "Essential Experience"..

I'm not paid to tell you this, okay? And it's not a cult or a weird "get naked" thing.


What is it? It's a personal growth workshop that is aimed at individual growth and self actualization. But of course that means it helps ALL the r's in your life. There is a website they have so look it up.
You won't be the first DBer to attend, that's for sure.

Witz, like I said, I'm not getting paid for this "Sales pitch" but then, aren't we all sort of "salesmen" for DBing? When we tell others to read the books or come here --- It's b/c we found this so helpful! (Even life changing in some cases...)

I promise you this is the only time I'll pitch to you, but since you live right THERE near the main place, I feel a tad compelled to discuss this in a bit of detail.

(Plus, I do it for divorce busting too.)
Well the same goes for the EE workshop, but even more so b/c EE is deeper by virtue of being 4 days long, w/experts there, and b/c it's so thorough and well designed.

EE will give you life skills that help, among other things, your DBing big time.

In fact, the tools I got from EE those many years ago, is probably why my DBing efforts were sustained internally for so long.

The workshop itself is the safest most supportive place & environment you'll ever be in, to do the inner work you need to take charge of your life and change its' course, if you want. I found it quite profound.

I bellieve EE will help you as a father and a h, and as a friend, and whoever or whatever else you are at work and in your life. And for most professionals, it's actually tax deductible.

It changed my life & the lives of all those I've known who attended.

H said he noticed a difference in me the minute I walked off the plane & held h & our son tightly.

Our marriage was strong at the time. I had gone to the workshop b/c a SIL had gone & said "EE was the best experience of her life" and that was enough for me.

I had unresolved issues related to my childhood, my dad's alcholism, balancing my new motherhood w/my professional work, all happening at once, etc. Though I felt my marriage was solid at that time- Later on I realized that we could get even deeper in our relationship than before. But that's part of why I went by myself. I didn't want h to know all my insecurities or my "secret inner monster self"...

My H was still in the military then, and he was NOT the "personal growth workshop" type.

So after I went, I wanted him to go, but I didn't pressure him. I wanted him to go for himself, not for me. Turns out the changes he'd seen in ME, were enough of a motivator for him to go. And he went.

While there, he called to say "Thank you, this is the best gift I have ever gotten in my life".

Mind you Witz, I had gone to a C before and liked it. But whenever I had finally made a "break through" or gained a valuable insight -I'd then have to return to my job at work OR go home & attend to family and the baby,

and then wait another week to start it all over & hope I could recall what triggered what memory or insight, etc. weekly t just was not that "efficient," if you know what I mean.

So for my h and I as professionals, w/little ones and one on the way, we had little spare time to "focus on ourselves". (Especially for you now, when you are in a crisis and lack the time to do a lot of foundational leg work-you need "a fast acting source of help".


I knew I needed some help in figuring how I wanted to live with peace inside. I always felt that things were in chaos, too much hustling and bustling and not LIVING WELL, lacking time, or being the woman I had hoped to be.

after SO much hard work and so much school for this craziness? I didn't have much of a parenting role model either, let alone what being a "good wife" was or meant.

A 4 day workshop that has you leave with an "action plan" for your life, and free support groups for life, had a lot of appeal.


Best money I ever spent and actually consists of so many hours of "therapy" that it was probably cheaper than therapy. And a lot faster...

Go...look it up -there's a website.

It's NOT EST or Landmark. No one will pressure you to spend more money but
I don't mean to bash those other programs, I'm just saying Essential Experience ("EE") is not the same. It's community based and constructive; no one "makes money" off it.

Even Though I went a long time ago, I think if I had not attended EE and gotten tools for growth and change...the DBing would not have worked for me.

Look, I know you don't know me. Yet here I am I'm telling you that being in that geographic area is a gift you have b/c EE is there.

I am saying yes, it costs money - but so does weekly therapy and this is a lot faster & probably cheaper actually.

Plus, if it does half of what I say it does, there's no better place to spend money. It's not selfish either. Your whole family will benefit, all your relationships will, not just you....it's the most productive and safe place in the world to work on yourself and YOUR LIFE. Stop racing around the freeway, go to a scenic overlook and see where you have been and where you really want to go. You will be happy to have gone.

You will get the tools needed to create a new life for yourself; a life of clarity and intention and yes, balance and joy and love.

I am asking you to trust me, a stranger. And I promise you will be very glad you did.

good luck

[25yearsmlc]

the less your inlaws know, the better. If your w were so sure she wanted out

they'd know. She'd have told them how horrible you are and justified all of it already.

And as for the movie tickets...

I think if you wait a bit, asking her out to them MAY be a good idea...but then again, so is letting her know you "saw a good flick" and telling her about the movie itself...not who you went with.

Just a thought. Ask around to see other's thoughts on that, but I wonder...

well done otherwise...sounds like a happy day for the little ones and a confused one for your w. But her gifts for you were nice....

I was struck by how you defended why you didn't put thought into the gifts you gave her. Think about that statement...

((( )))

[witz10]

25 Thank you for the recomendation for the class I will look into it later on today. Money is tight but hopefully I can do it.

I didn't put much thought into the gift for my W cause I didn't want to go overboard. I had purchased over the summer some perfume for her that I know she likes and is out of as well as a bracelet for her bday. Both of which I held onto. I can usually shop no problem for my W. I can walk into any store and I know I will find something that I like she will love. I can dress her from head to toe and know she will like it. I guess because of everything I was affraid to go overboard. As well as not reaping the benefits of what I got for her.

TThe funny part with my W was her mom giving her her present and she opened them, then pulled her mom aside and asked if she did something for me.

[witz10]

VC funny and ironic i Have never actually seen the movie. Isn't richard gere in that?

Today was a ok kind of day. Went to the gym and worked out then made some stops on my way back "home" aka moms house. Got back in my car to go to the mall and missed a call from my w's best friend in California, also a Psychologist. This girl is like a sister to me and stopped talking to me a few months back. She had some health issues and some work things going on according to her. I think she stopped talking to me cause she new my W was with the OM. Which she does.
I found the timing very odd. She said she wanted to catch up while driving up the coast to visit friends and we haven't spoken in a while. She wanted to see how I was doing.
I told her everything including thinking she chose sides cause she had too. I informed her of my changes and my goals to help out at philabundance, habitabt for humanity, go ski again, etc.
The whole time I am speaking with her I am thinking in the back of my mind is she doing this cause W asked her to call me and sort of get an update on the inner workings of my mind and where I am.
So I let it out. Told her about the board here and how people here understand what I am going through. How I am changing for the better and taking action not sitting in the back seat anylonger, looking for new work, how I want to work everything out with my W and how together we can get past this whole year and the OM and come out as a stronger more loving couple. Told her how I won't let this happen again whether it is with my W or if I move on with whomever I am with. But I would like it to be with my W obviously.
After the conversation went inside and my neice and nephew were there. It was the 7th night of Chanuka. My family has been here every night and it is honestly too much. I love/hate my family these days but I have realized my W was right the holidays they go a little overboard and I need space. Especailly since we lived in LA for 7 years away from them.

Its late and I feel I am babbling. All in all it was a good holiday but this week is going to be tough. I have my kids from Wed to Sunday night, which will be fun, but I know my W will be with OM for new years eve. Another first time for us. I wonder how she will technically be. Have to wait and see.

[verycrazy]

Hi, witz, you might be thinking of The Mothman Prophecies, that Gere was in. The Butterfly Effect has Ashton Kutcher in it. Never seen it myself, either.

Why don't you throw a small New Year's party? Maybe one for other people with small children like yours who aren't going out to the bars and such that night.

Maybe w's BF from Cali. is only catching up, but like you say maybe she is reporting back to your W. So, be careful what you tell her. You might not want your W coming here to read all your thoughts and worries.

I guess your W felt smothered by so much family so much of the time. I believe I would feel the same. It just gets to be so much, and you can't breathe. My H's aunt and uncle expected and demanded we be there every year on Christmas Eve, which is my birthday. So we did this every year, until our S was born. I told H I wanted to skip every other year, so we could have our own traditions. When we told them we wouldn't be there the next year, his uncle got so angry, and told us he WOULD see us the next year. Now, years later we only go over now and then, not on my birthday anymore, and we have our own traditions, like driving all over after dark to look at Christmas lights, having hot cocoa, and other stuff, like a birthday celebration for me. Just saying that too much family too often can be very strangling. You have to break away sometimes.

You can get through this week, witz, you are doing really very well.

vc

[witz10]

It still amazes me that when i spoke with three people who have been divorced numerous times one person 3x and another twice they tell me to just move on. One person i spoke with today married a woman with a 6 yearold and he is of the same mind set as me. Keep fighting and don't give up. Only good thing that happened today.

[verycrazy]

You know, so many people just don't value a commitment they (usually) make before God and man. Once a person has decided in their hearts that the marital relationship is just not important, they can justify affairs, divorce, all sorts of bad behaviors. This society has become so immoral, and I believe that the collapse of the family has been the most tragic result of that.

Your friends just want you to stop hurting. They perhaps never tried to work on their R, so they think giving up is easier for everyone. Perhaps you could surround yourself with a group of friends who are pro-marriage, pro-family. It is much easier to be around people who share your own mindset.
vc

[witz10]

25 thank you again for the EE course. I looked it up online and it is here the weekend of the 26th. However that is my weekend with my kids plus my mothers bday. I don't want to miss time with them. Another reason is I need to save some money up for the class. Expensive. So I am looking there is another here in April I will try to get into.

[witz10]

Its funny how you talk about traditions and I said this to my MIL a few weeks back, after thanksgiving. Usually my W and I, in the past have alternated between our families. I told my MIL that years we don't come to her house for thanksgiving that my thoughts would be we do Xmas dinner. This way every other year we stay home and not go anywhere for xmas. Who knows if this will happen or not. But this is something I think I want to start. Having my family over every night at my moms for chanukah is just too much. Especially for me this year. I was just sitting and moping because my kids and W were not there.

W dropped my kids off at my office. They were very happy to see me and my W over packed for them to be with me this week. Just said bye to each other no big conversation. She did email and thank me earlier for an bday idea for her dad which is next week. She also text me afterwards that she forgot to pack kids some movies. Funny how going dark has made her reach out to me more it seems. Just keeping me in arms reach. She still is the first to make contact everyday.

As for new years most likely we will be at my moms with my family and the kids will play with my niece and nephew for a good bit of the night.

Got the basement set up now. I brought down my old twin bed from my sons old room and have it set up outside my bedroom. My kids will sleep in the bedroom and I will be in the sitting area. If I had them sleeping upstairs they would not be comfortable with me not within earshot.

A week of more firsts.

Oh also if my W logs onto here and looks at my posts maybe it will show her that I am trying.
I could have sworn I read in one of the letters a W gave her H the book and asked him to read it and everything worked out. Wish it were that simple. Hopefully there will be a day when I can do that.

Still wishing on 11:11 too. Also read a astrology thing that got emailed to me and it said to make a decision to cut something from my life and I will be much happier, whether it was job, relationship, home, or political and religious beliefs. Not sure how much I put stock in Pluto being in my orbit or not. But I would love it to be my job. I know I will be happier when I am out of here and not around family everyday.

[witz10]

I know I have asked this question before but how do you keep your spouse off your mind when you know there is another OM and I have the kids for the next few days. Using the stop sign method and trying to keep busy at work. Only issue my head is not in work this week, especially since my computer is down.