Destiny, This journey that you are on is very frustrating and difficult. When he asks for your opinion, keep it short and sweet, do not offer up ways to fix him. How would you deal w/a friend who asked for your opinion? That is how you need to look at him right now...a friend. I think the man has some issues that he needs to resolve and he doesn't know what or whom he can trust. Right now, I don't think he trusts you enough to actually open up. He needs to feel "safe" and that's where other people come into the picture because they aer neutral. Destiny, I see a lot of me in your postings...it took me a very long time to come to terms that I couldn't fix my xh and I had to learn how to just listen and offer up just enough information that didn't sound like I was trying to fix my xh or others that would come to me for advice. Sometimes, people will ask for your opinion and they are just bouncing things off of us, i.e., they really don't want to hear what we have to say. Sometimes, they are just looking for reaction, not the words...can you tell if your h is looking for a reaction, i.e., as to how you react to what he wants to talk about? Do you tense up and get uncomfortable when he wants to talk about things? Think about your answers before you respond. The mlcers know us so well and know exactly how we are going to react...
Enjoy your evening, do something different instead of sitting w/him. Find something that you can do by yourself and just leave him to think about things.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
We ended up watching a movie, but before that happened, he said he was angry with me and that I need to ne in his mind "normal". WTH!
I am not sure what I am doing wrong to make him think that I am not normal. I did have my long cry yesterday but did that in private. If I don't spend time with him and start expanding on the things I was doing when he was gone, i am concerned that he may turn to someone else. I know that it doesn't make sense.
I am suppose to go out with a couple of friends tonight for drinks, do I invite him? But if i invite him, I will feel almost a need to make sure he is comfortable which may make me feel worse and want to pursue. ARGHHHH!!
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
TRUST - how do I get it back? I know my questions to my H are causing the stress and frustration. I still have thoughts of the OW. I am not sure how I can overcome my trust issues and completely put it all behind me.
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
Destiny, You can casually mention that you are going out for drinks and then offer up an invitation....but do not expect him to say yes. Leave it up to him if he wants to go.
I think your h is getting vibes from you about your anxiety and the fact that you are nervous and waiting for the other shoe to drop. Just be yourself. I understand that the ow is in the back of your mind, but you are allowing her to have a space in your head and she's not even paying rent. You are allowing her memory to dictate everything else in your life....let it go! You've got to make an effort to block her out and focus on the here and now.
Destiny, if your h is going to leave or go to the ow, it will not matter whether you are doing things that you use to do while he was away or not. Stop hovering over him! Live your life and get back into doing activities that you enjoy. You have to understand that just like an addict, until he hits rock bottom or hits that dark wall, he will not seek assistance and you can't help him. He will need to make the decision to seek assistance, i.e., no matter how much you try, it will not work. If anything, maybe you need to be talking to someone who can assist you in learning how to deal w/him and his depression. I created a posting many years ago that was called "highly recommending reading materials". On that thread, we posted a lot of good books on depression. I would suggest that you begin to read up on depression so that you can have a better understanding of what is going on. Depression isn't just about sleeping, eating or lack of eating and feeling blue...it goes much deeper than that.
Destiny, today is a new day...get out there and do something fun for yourself. It is time to take back your life. Stop worrying about whether or not you are doing the right things. Life is far too short and trust me, your h may very well appreciate the fact that you are focusing on something over than him.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Today is a new day and I am trying to hang in there. I am at work now. My friends are now backing out of Happy because the weather looks like rain/snow. I may just go the gym later after work.
I really would like to have my M work and I want to stop my thoughts of OW. I prayed this morning for patience and understanding. I asked God to forgive me for my nagging. I prayed for serenity and peace and asked God wo work on my H and to work on me. Thank you father for all you have given me.
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
Destiny, Dig deep for patience and continue praying. Count to 10 before you say anything that would come across as nagging.
One question...is your h a conflict avoider?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
Destiny, That's what I thought. Do a google search for conflict advoiders/passive/aggressive personalities. You might find some useful information there to help you learn how to deal with this type of personality.
Please keep in mind that the more you confront, the further is going to run from you. Rather than deal w/confrontation they will find other avenues on how to deal with their issues.
Please do some research, the sooner the better.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you for that - looking for books that give me pointers on how to deal with an avoider, especially when I I am the confronter.
I had a great day at work yesterday. Got a lot of things done especially with almost everyone on leave. Since yesterday was a new day for me, while I did not exercise, I did start taking my anti-depressants again and I did somethings for me that I haven't done in a while. I love to cook and experiement with cooking - it calms me, makes feel really good about creating something different.
My H was already home when I got home. We were pleasant about asking about each other's day. He went to watch TV (he hasn't joined me in the kitchen for a few months). I am not sure what happened, but he came in and rubbed my back, poured me a glass of wine, and talked about general things. I had no expectations and just listened. After a while he asked if he could help me. He was smiling and even poked fun at me. I still have no expectations. I continued to back off and give him his space.
He sleep close to me last night (so much so that he was on my sideof the bed) - normally he complains that it is too hot and he needs space.
I continue to pray asking God to work on me. I feel really good this morning and I don't feel as worried about things as I have been over the last 2 months. Have a great day!!!
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
