What else could I have done?

[25yearsmlc]

I understand where you're coming from, but...are you saying I'm wrong for hurting? Am I wrong for being in pain? Am I wrong for being sorry?

You feel as you feel. It's like asking if you "should" feel feverish when your temperature is 102'F....it's not really a moral matter.

The moral & practical questions are more about what to DO about your feelings?

And the answer is, "Something good & constructive."


what else are your possible choices here Antlers? I mean, what are you really wondering? I sense you want to "DO SOMETHING" but you won't blurt it out.

Seems to me that since you are hurting & feeling pain- you must work on HEALING...so we'll address that later on, the "how to" of it all.

But let that answer sink in..."Antlers must begin to heal."

and your sorrow --ah, well if it is regret and remorse for past actions/behaviors that you are NOW working on repairing and learning from....

then here's something I heard at a great conference that didn't hit me til later.

He said "If a problem is being worked on, then it's no longer a 'problem'".


IOW, If you are working to fix, repair or counter negative traits you had

then that's literally all you can do, isn't it? What else is there to DO or SAY?

Apologize? You have. Repairing the flaws?

The underlying assumption is that you ARE working on these flaws, right?

(Let's go with that assumption- b/c iF it's not true, then make it so! Work on your flaws as we all must.)

May I submit one possibly painful observation/question?

It's this. You stated in a prior post that you were a bit oblivious to the love your wife and family gave you back when...

that you were "drowning in a sea of it" and yet did not really notice it or you took it for granted, correct?

Is that an accurate enough re-cap?

Okay Antlers, my friend, you are precariously close to repeating that now.

Do you see how?

You need to be CREATING "MOMENTS OF LOVE" now, today, w/your family and loved ones

but instead you are spending so much time and energy in regret about the past

I fear you are creating more regret for later....Do Not let regret paralyze you.

That's what I meant when I said "be Here NOW"...


Get time with the kids. Join them in an activity THEY enjoy,

and if they're amenable, then introduce them to something YOU enjoy.

Can you plan a trip (even just a weekend or maybe camping or something cheap, if money is an issue)?

OR a more serious adventure if you have something saved for a rainy day and some time with your kids...


On my 25th anniversary I knew h would be in the tundra, not home. I figured he might send roses as he'd done for our 24th just after moving away...(see, my h never SAID he "wanted" a divorce, he just HAD to live somewhere else from the rest of us, whether we came or not -which is not an incentive to go--

plus it meant 3 moves in 3 years and we had 2 kids in high school whom we have vowed Not to move, and there were so many dealbreakers in there, which HE KNEW, that he simply didn't want to 'own' the divorce...but I digress)


POINT BEING...rather than me feeling like crap on our anniversary again, I
decided to do what I would want to do for my anniversary but without h.

I planned a trip to Italy with the kids. The planning itself brought my eldest d and I closer. Never underestimate the value of the planning fun.

She was very hurt by h's absence for her last 2 years at our home...and this gave us both a sense of proactive FUN making without h as a factor. Didn't need his approval and did not need to work with his schedule or his work needs b/c he was NOT a factor, by choice. It was fun AND empowering.


The planning of the trip was a source of joy. We did not overspend, btw

and yet had a blast. And when we got there, there were ZERO memories of h b/c he'd never been there before
and so there was nothing to remind me of him...or "us"

and I had some of the best people in my world with me-our kids. Best money I ever spent/borrowed/begged for...

and you know what else? Weirdly enough and NOT as a goal of mine, I learned later on

how much it bothered h that we had gone somewhere cool without him!

he must have at least started to realize that we would go on and be happy with OR without him.

That truth hit him hard b/c it began to dawn on him that he was losing more than I was.

Maybe I'm mindreading too much but he did say he felt 'left out"...(how crazy is that? )

What I KNOW is that it began to dawn on ME-- that I'd be alright no matter what.

When that sinks in to YOU-- it'll show and be noticed by others in a good attractive way. Even though that's not the goal, paradoxically it often happens that only when you feel good about your future no matter what or with whom

does your WAS seem to take notice. She might not care enough to return or explore a reconciliation with you. But goodness Antlers, she will notice and regardless of what she does with it

are you thinking that somehow being sad and miserable will appeal to her more? You know better, plus it hasn't worked anyhow...

When you "get" that you can be happy again and will be, your life will improve

AND your kids will have a father to admire, and to spend time with and

you can create that Antlers.

What's your r with them now? If you feel a chasm between you and your kids, begin to repair it.

Take them out to lunch, one on one if possible. Apologize ONCE if you feel it's needed and if it has not already been said.

Repeating it too often makes THEM feel awkward and uncomfortable. Check in with them about that, if they're old enough. I don't recall their ages but let's assume they're over 16??

If you never told them a thing about the divorce or never really apologized,

then maybe Say something Once- like

" I have a lot of regrets about the way I handled things in the marriage as a h and as a father...while I can never make up for what I missed, I'd like to do better from now on. So...what's your schedule like? When can We get together?"

Most children no matter their age, want time with their parents NOW to be good
or better...

saying you have too much to make up is no excuse for not being a decent dad NOW

Antlers, my father was a brilliant educated man with a stressful job he could not discuss. That's tension in itself. And There were 9 children born in 12 years in our family, and my mother needed far more parenting help from him than he could or would give. English was her 2nd language and she was not able to make it on her own if she'd been so inclined...and my father was a raging alcoholic so

A recipe for disaster...indeed.

He was not always a raging alcoholic but he was from when I was about 9, til I was 29.

There were SOME good memories in those years. But mostly BAD ones of his temper and irrational outbursts. He Never saw a single game of mine and I played varsity for 3 years, so there was neglect too.

In sum, He was mostly a lousy dad and worse husband.

But Here's the deal...Antlers, my dad got sober when I was about 29.

He became a better grandfather than a dad. I was not resentful of that; but grateful. We became fairly close. In a time of professional crisis, I consulted HIM, not my mother, for an ethical dilemma. I consulted him for work related issues and when I once considered an affair 20 years ago

(a time I'm not proud of but that I understand. My internal moral compass confronted some great rationalizations I made then, and tremendous loneliness, but rather than hijack here with that digression, suffice to say)

what is relevant here is that it was MY FATHER, not my mom, whom I confided in...and he was very clarifying for me. Antlers, he showed up for me.

That was new....in a time of personal crisis for ME, he was a "good father"!

I really valued this... I lived 1500 miles away but we spoke often after he got sober. Then he got cancer and died, so we only had 3-4 years of a good adult relationship.

But it's better than nothing. And in those years are memories I pass on to MY kids so they'll have something to hold onto. I don't sugarcoat his failings but I want them to know the good stuff too.

Create some of that for your kids Antlers. If my dad could make up for his abuse and years of crap, you can repair things with your kids.

If this is really all about your ex w, then you can work on that too but the kids are a priority b/c those r's can be repaired AND you won't be taking anything away from your r with your ex w by getting close to your kids.

What's holding you back in rebuilding or repairing the r's you have with your kids?

And though this is NOT a reason For restoring those relationships, a byproduct of it is that your ex w will see it...

Worst case scenario She may resent it on the surface b/c after all you "don't deserve them now!"....but she will also feel gratitude for it.

If she openly negatively remarks about it to you, you can say "better late than never" and mean it.

Isn't it far better for her to resent you showing up late, than for her not to see anything from you with them, ever?

Try to figure out what you think is holding you back with your kids and go from there.

You can make the most of what you have now, From this day forward,

or you can keep staring at what you lost, and create a whole life time of mororse regret which your kids can do nothing about...

If you feel YOU only deserve misery, then remind yourself that THEY deserve better from you...

Offer them your best now. It's all you can do!