Journal:

I am having a battle in my head and heart right now. I just put my H and my 2 boys in his truck for a 13 hour drive to see his family.... I'm having the normal 'mommy' worries (car accident being the main one) and if something happens, I loose EVERYTHING that I love! I expressed this with H and he listened and didn't think I was being silly. He gave me a hug good-bye- nothing to fantastic, but at least it was something.

I did a bad thing. I was able to look on his computer while he was out (before they left) and I saw a few emails... Someone please slap me with the 2x4 now!! I'm irritated to see that he has been emailing a mutual friend (female) more often now, the content is harmless but he signs is "333" which I know to be "heart heart heart".... this pisses me off! He NEVER signed any email to me even when we were good!! I"m really trying not to confront this female friend... but it's a loosing battle!

I also saw an email he sent to himself about things he wanted to discuss in out MC sessions (this email was over 2 weeks ago, so I'm not sure if he still feels the same ways) but basically it laid out that: he wants to convince me that I have no chance ever again with him, he wants to let me know that my 'nice efforts' are a last ditch effort and they are not welcome, and he doesn't appreciate me walking around the house in 'various states of undress. it's unattractive' *I don't walk around naked. I usually sleep in just a tank top... I know of one time that I did it on purpose around him, but normally, it's an accident if he sees me in just that)
I am infuriated!!! I'm not sure what I should do at this point. Should I take these comments to heart and modify my behaviors? Should I just keep doing what I have been doing in the hopes that he'll see that it's not a last ditch effort? Does he really feel like there will never be a future for us?

I know that feelings come and go. In fact, these past few days I've really felt like we've been having fun... and then I see this. But I also have to tell myself that those thoughts/feelings were 2 weeks ago.... so there's a chance they are the same anymore. The only thing that has really changed in these 2 weeks is me getting notice that I may have a terminal diagnosis... I can only hope that this 'scare' might have sparked his feelings awake knowing that I might actually die. But then again, he might be thinking: "awesome, that's less alimony I have to pay out!" (I would hope he's not that heartless)

I don't know what to think right now! I know that I need to focus on myself and what makes me feel good. I'm packing for my trip that I leave on tomorrow so it's a decent distraction...... but the confusion about my H is really eating me up!!

M-31, H-31
T-9, M-7
S-6, s-20mth
sep 8/1/11
ILYNILWY 11/29/11
Creating separation papers.
Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12
H moves out 1.20.12