"I said that I would prefer to work on our M, but if she wants a D, I won't stand in her way..."
I know you cringed inside saying this, it's not the natural thing you want to say here. Takes a measure of resolve to say this but it's needed. (She'll be thinking about this, probably not what she expected. Almost always, a WAS is trying to push some buttons when threatening the 'D.' Side stepping like this helps to 'level things' so to speak.)
When in this, we all want to say in one way or another, "WTF what are you doing!! Smarten up, etc etc..." (Sorry for the direct language, but...)
Resist trying to convince W or W will run further, guaranteed. Picture this, if you came after her saying you'll do anything to make it work, 'Sweetie, I will do anything you want just take me back, oh please oh please!!' How would you respond to that personally? Bit creepy maybe? Or what about, 'What the hell are you thinking?! Get you're head on straight you %^&&^!' How would you respond to that?
Be pleasant. Be understanding. Be easy with forgiveness where appropriate. Give the space she needs when asked for. If you get a feel she doesn't want to be around you excuse yourself with no fanfare. Go do your own thing with no muss or fuss. Be a soft place for her to land on. If things get a little tense, excuse yourself politely and go do your own thing for a bit. Go play some pool with a few buddies or something like that. (Sure, ok, if W does get out of sorts and unfair, 'you can be much better when you're not like this to me. Let's come back to this later once we've cooled down, good with you?)
"If my W doesn't want me, should I be completely non-sexual. I have always been absolutely faithful to my W... But she is throwing our M away."
Yup, W is doing this or that. Does that mean you should do the same? Find some flash in the pan in to fill a void? Or should you give it the best shot you can? Maybe W is going through a bump in the road and if you ride this out it could be even better than before, what if?
Get involved with someone else now and that will grease the wheels for 'no.' I guarantee that relation won't last. On that, once done, you'll be filled with yet another hole that will have to be filled (Sigh...)
If you're eventually going to get involved with someone else make sure you've exhausted everything first, and then some! If you jump too soon you'll be sorry. At that, it's not fair to the other person. If for some reason, despite you're best efforts W actually moves on anyway then fine, you'll know you did the best you could. Down the road, if that is actually the case and you find someone else wonderful, fine. Until then, if in doubt, 'do it yourself.'
"I traded one Hell for another... At least in Afghanistan I knew how to survive. This new battlefield is so complicated."
Chin up, you're back home and you haven't have to deal with this face to face yet. Give yourself some leeway here. Acclimatize, scope things out and see what's what first. Don't be too quick to write it off. Give it time. Santa might have something up
I haven't posted much in the last seven years. I've been a lurker. Just lookin' to put back all the good help I've gotten...
Thanks again Coyote. You're right.... I'll suck it up & do the right thing for ME, my R & my boys. I needed a dose of Canadian common sense. I enjoyed my brief stay up north & I actually had a chance to hang out with some of your countrymen when I was traveling. I believe that they were some of the last ones left "in country". I've trained with your airborne guys before- all great people & excellent soldiers.
I feel better now- thanks and have a great holiday!
(F.K.A. Broken422)
US 40's M 17,T 19 2 BOYS 13,16 Divorced 4/2012 11/2011 W SAID SHE WANTS D
"When it is dark enough,you can see the stars"- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Been home for almost a week... I really need to detach. I hate what my W has become... So cold, selfish & hurtful. Why do I love her... Or am I in love with the memory or shadow of the past? Did I turn her into the selfish monster that she has become? I hope not... But I DO accept responsibility for being the catalyst that started this nightmare. W is moving out... Prob will tell the kids after NewYears. For now, sleeping in different rooms. She is so anxious for a D and she knows very little about the process ect... She wants me to help with the arrangement... But isn't that like asking me to build my own gallows? I had to leave the house just now... Can't stand being so close to her... I want to hold her & tell her that I love her ... But her callousness also makes me want to scream and run away ?! I have 3 IC appts sched'd over the next few days. Hopefully they can help sort out these feelings. Christmas was nice - I could tell that W made an effort to make me feel comfortable.... But how can I feel at ease knowing that she is tearing the family apart & has some crazy idea of co-parenting and an amicable happy Divorce. So hard to be upbeat around her.
(F.K.A. Broken422)
US 40's M 17,T 19 2 BOYS 13,16 Divorced 4/2012 11/2011 W SAID SHE WANTS D
"When it is dark enough,you can see the stars"- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Hi Pers, I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. Good for you for taking responsibility for what you have done wrong in the relationship. I know that I screwed up royally too, but now we need to make the neccessary changes and learn to forgive ourselves.
I would say that if she is so anxious for the divorce that she should be able to figure it out for herself how to go about it. If it was me I don't think that I would be able to be a big enough person to help her out with the process. I also think it was heartless of her to ask you to help her. It sounds like she was just trying to hurt you.
Why do I love her... Or am I in love with the memory or shadow of the past?
I have been asking myself this question alot lately as well. I think that we are in love with the memory of them because I personally can't stand the woman that my W has become. It sure seems that detaching from these people should be so much easier than it actually is.
how can I feel at ease knowing that she is tearing the family apart
I don't think that anyone would feel at ease with this, but as of right now you really need to try to stay as positive around her as you can because the alternative is only going to tear your family apart much faster and in a much more traumatic way.
I am sending positive thoughts your way.
M:(f) 35 W: 45 3 dogs and 2 cats T: 9 years 9/30/11 I love you, but I'm not in love with you OW confirmed 12/23/11
