25 - "So here is my question IS and others....to all LBSers what is it that the WAS could have said BEFORE an affair or before leaving
that would have made enough of an impact to get you to change, the way you are now?
is there ANYTHING they could have said or done that would have gotten YOUR attention AND Changed You?
other than leaving you?
Advice for the advice giver, anyone?"
Here's what I would have reacted to. If my W had said we need to talk and then we went somewhere away from the kids and she said that she is not feeling loved, appreciated, taken for granted, etc. and she is THIS close to calling it quits with the marriage and that we need to do something or we may very likely reach the point of no return. That would have gotten my attention and woken me up to the gravity of the situation.
Individual one-off comments about her not being happy or whatever, especially in settings where there are distractions would NOT have gotten my attention.
But I would have most assuredly reacted to her telling me in the appropriate setting, how unhappy she was and was contemplating breaking us apart. If she had indicated that she wanted help for US instead of throwing in the towel, I would have understood and said yes, we do, lets get started NOW!
Of course, my W was also involved in an A with OM that I was not aware of, so whether or not this could have been broached in the first place is questionable in my mind. I think events have a way of getting ahead of you and then if there was an opportunity, it was likely missed before anyone realized that the opportunity to short circuit the spiral could have even been recognized.
So, if your friend is contemplating leaving her H, this is the advice I would give her. Have the conversation with her H in a private, uninterrupted setting and put everything on the table. But do this before the decision to leave has been reached. Not after.
I have given her such advice. But 2, the reality is that when they had this talk a year or so ago, he got defensive and they had a fight.
I shook my head then, and shake it now.
How can he not see this?
So although I believe YOU, I still wonder...seems a lot of people cannot hear this type of talk without attacking.
They feel attacked and threatened and that's their response.
Bummer.
But thanks!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
