WHG: When last we heard from our action hero...

[workinghardguy]

Thanks Adinva... I agree and take solace in that... I'm just sad that I don't believe W will understand this until it's too late and then maybe never.

Today was a fun day. W worked but not until 8am so I was able to sleep in. She took care of our S until she had to leave for work since he's an early riser.

S and I had a busy day. We started with a surprise trip to an ice cream shop for shakes Then headed to the city. Once in town we went to this new "make your pottery" place where S was able to paint some pottery for his cousin and grandma. He absolutely LOVED it. It was cheap enough that I'll take all the kids there one of these days... where else can you while away 3-4 hours with kids being engaged and only spend $10 It was also neat that when we walked in the shop owner said, "Hey, I know you guys!" and then talked to my son and said "You're that great tambourine player from the first row aren't you?" Turns out the owner goes to the same church as us and recognized my S from the evening service last Sunday. My S was super-proud that someone recognized him as the tambourine player

It was also interesting that near the end of our time there a party arrived. Probably 6 or 7 kids painting. One mom comes over and strikes up a conversation with me... as I look back I now realize that I pretty sure she was hitting on me, or at least testing interest. She was cute and a redhead (I've always had a thing for redheads), but I completely blew her off. Not because I meant to... only because my dating radar is so old and out of tune I feel kind of bad that I didn't reciprocate anything... had I had a clue I probably would've at least been more into her though not had it go anywhere. I am definitely going to have to work on my social radar. Though I did cue enough to check if she was single just before we left the store.

S and I did some other shopping and errands, then headed home. Before we left for the city, my W texted me and asked if I could stop at a store in the mall and pick up a pack of stuff for gifts for her co-workers. Small stuff and inexpensive and we were going to be right near there so I said I could. Then she texted back that I didn't need to if I didn't want to have to deal with the mall crowds.

Well son and I went... I had to go into the mall anyway for something else. It was an easy in and out. W got home and was surprised I stopped. She said thank you and even sounded genuinely touched. And then I noticed that tonight when she left for the bar/gig she actually said goodbye to me. So I'm going to chalk that up in the positive. She hasn't said goodbye to me in a very long time.

W got home from work and took a nap. I was ok with it... it's "my weekend" with our son anyway. One change was that son and I had eaten lunch very late so I simply told her I wasn't making supper and she was on her own. She grumped a little about it but figured something out.

S and I watched The Christmas Carol (the Jim Carrey version) until he fell asleep. Poor guy has a nasty cold and a busy day so he just zonked out. W is at the bar listening to her friend do his set. She has to work at 9am tomorrow so she says she'll be home by 1am... we'll see.

Things seemed to have thawed since the whole bed/masturbation blowup on Monday. Nothing in our sitch has changed and I don't expect it to. I did have moments of sadness today wondering what next Christmas will be like... but that's a long way off. Hell, the world could end by then... so not worth getting wrapped around right now.

[2thepoint]

"It was also neat that when we walked in the shop owner said, "Hey, I know you guys!" and then talked to my son and said "You're that great tambourine player from the first row aren't you?" Turns out the owner goes to the same church as us and recognized my S from the evening service last Sunday. My S was super-proud that someone recognized him as the tambourine player"

If nothing else happened today but this ^^^^, I'd chalk it up to a very good day. Your son must have been beaming and doesn't that make you feel all warm and fuzzy?

[workinghardguy]

Thanks 2TP... yes, it did... it was very, very neat. It was neat because, while unfortunately I didn't recognize her (though she admits she's a "lurker") she recognized my son and myself. I tend to be fairly participatory and outspoken during the congregational response periods in our services. It was also neat that my GAL (which church first started out as) has had a positive impact on my son. I know it's impacted him other ways, but this was a neat way. And it was neat because my son got to see that his dad is connected to people in the greater community.

I did forget to add to my day that while painting we somehow ended up on the topic of why mommies and daddies don't always live together. That sukked a lot. It ended with S saying "I hope you and mommy never live apart daddy". Damn. And while watching A Christmas Carol tonight S and I had a great conversation about rich, poor, and taking care of our fellow man. Made me proud to see where his thoughts are at only five years of age.

[workinghardguy]

A very merry Christmas to everyone on here... may the holiday bring you what you need, if you it cannot bring you what you want; and my the world be rosier and better by the next one.

Journaling... another mixed day, though I'm starting to feel stronger each day I think. W worked today so saw her a little this morning. She was hungover and tired after getting in at 12:30, but she was in before 1am like she said she would be. I actually woke up at 2:30 am and though she wasn't home yet. Got mad at first and then let it go... it's her problem, but it turns out she was sleeping quietly next to me :0 oops

W recounted a story of running into an old high school acquaintance (female) who was marveling at how good my W looks. My W just can't accept that fact. She never wears skirts, dresses, or heels because she's too fat, has bad legs, her butt is too big, etc... All of those are untrue and she looks fantastic in a dress and heels, but she just doesn't see it. I felt it was interesting because it tells me her body image issues remain in heavy abundance, despite all the weight she's lost.

S and I hung around the house. Played some Wii, did some cooking, prepped Christmas breakfast, and went for a walk. Headed over to my mom's for Christmas Eve dinner and had a good time. My mom's husband drives me absolutely nuts but he was pretty scarce most of the time so my mom and I hung out. Some talk about my sitch, but I'm strong enough to do that now.

Two interesting interactions with my W today. The first came as she had emailed me around noon, though I didn't notice until about two hours later. She had emailed me to tell me that she was going to look at a rental house this week and wanted to know if I wanted to go along. We had discussed previously that I might like to see places she is considering so I can give input on where my S will live. I develop rental housing for a living and rehab it as well (not the actual pounding of nails, rather the financial structuring of deals) so I know the bad stuff to look for (poor insulation, asbestos, lead paint, etc...). I had told her if I can fit it into my schedule I would be fine coming along, but it's not a make or break thing for me.

So, she sends the info and I reply that I may go but it depends on child care. What I meant was that we are still figuring out who is watching the kids this week when they're off school. If it's a day I'm staying home with the kids, well, I can't very well bring them along now can I? W is stuck on nights this week so the child care burden largely falls on me and her sister.

I immediately get a pissy/aggressive email reply from her. She goes on this little diatribe about how whomever is going to do our summer child care isn't really a factor in where she lives and it won't make her change her mind about something like moving. Um.... ok... WTF? Holy misunderstanding and WTF is with the over-the-top response?

But, what I found interesting was my reaction. I laughed. I laughed pretty hard when I read her reply. I found it hilarious. She still thinks I believe I can change her, control her, or would even try. For whatever reason that struck me as very, very funny. And as if child care would have any bearing... so I emailed her back that she misunderstood, I explained what I meant, and said that there was no intention of trying to change her mind about anything.

Then shortly afterwards I get a text from her apologizing for her email. Thanking me for the explanation and for taking the time to respond knowing that otherwise she would've obsessed and been angry about it all day. She made some excuses about being tired, stressed, and forgetting to take her meds today, but ended it with thanking me again for being the level-headed one. We exchanged a few more texts after that about gifts and my mom.

I never even got mad... I still find it hilarious that all it took was one little thing for her to fly off the handle. I suppose a few months ago I was at that point myself, but I believe I'm farther along now.

What the whole things also reminded me is how selfish/into herself my W is right now. I mean really... who emails their H on the day before Christmas about places she is moving his kids to that he doesn't want to have happen? I mean really? That also makes me chuckle at her... she is so wrapped around her own needs right now.

The other moment came after she got home from W. I was in the living room playing Santa; filling stockings and placing presents under the tree. She helped a little but was tired and mainly talked while I placed presents. At one point I realized that I had to find the e-reader cases so that the kids didn't open them before the e-readers (would sort of blow the surprise). My W says, "next year we should number the presents so we know what's what. Well, I mean next year we'll be somewhere else, but I'm sure we'll still be doing Christmas together." Um... ok. I know... next Christmas is a full year off. All sorts of stuff can happen between now and then, but it's an interesting glimpse inside my W's mind right now. I really don't believe she was putting me on... it was too unscripted and sounded quite honest.

So onward towards Christmas. I expect it will be melancholy tomorrow. I will put on my best "as if" face. I don't want the kids to remember our last family Christmas (if that is what it is) as a sad, morose affair. Then to my MIL's for a late lunch and family time. While pretty much everyone knows what's going on, I'm going in with my head held high. I've been a great dad to my kids, a faithful, honest, and providing SIL, I've taken great care of my W and honored my vows. I feel that I have nothing to be ashamed of. I'm not the one walking out on a sacred vow. I don't plan to be angry or moody, but I also won't tuck my tail or act like I somehow deserve what is happening. They can see the newer version of me. Take it or leave it.

I did breakdown and picked up a sub for her this afternoon to eat when she got home. We've been through this before on holidays... the kitchen is closed for employees and by the time she gets off work everything else is closed since it's Christmas Eve. So I just bought a sub from a restaurant and stuck it in the fridge. Didn't ask her, didn't offer... just did it. Maybe I should've let her starve, probably should have. Though she was very thankful and gracious when she got home since she was starving. On top of the earlier incident I haven't had my W tell me thank you so many times in one day in quite some time...

[Ctflor]

Merry Christmas, WHG, and hope tomorrow brings you some inner peace.

I agree with you that, you walk with your head held high. That you have kept your vow, that you have been a good dad.

I did the same last summer when H and I were invited to a family get together with out of towners. Although his parents didn't know at the time what their son was about to do, which was plan to leave me and our daughter. I know he was watching me, and watching my interactions with his family that day. He seemed to be curious in a way. Later on, not so long ago he brought that up and said he didn't know how he would tell his parents that he was leaving us... and that he could see I was a good DIL and loved his family like my own. I don't know if my behavior at his family's affected his decision to stay, but it seemed that it gave him something to think about.

I think you did the right thing, the generous and kind hearted thing by getting her the sub. I kind of nodded my head as I read that part... because I'm like this too. I wouldn't have the heart to just let h go hungry. Many times during his threatening to leave me, and his talk of his plans to go... I still continued making his sandwiches for work. There were other things I stopped doing... that he was used to, but when it came to these other things I continued to do what I felt in my heart was right.

I didn't do these things hoping it would sway his decision, but ultimately, when he reflects back on that time period.... he has brought up the fact that even when he planned to walk out, I still treated him with kindness.

I'm very glad your W saw that kindness in you, and thanked you many times over

The way your W got over the top upset, reminded me of my h, and his total selfish-ness he was going through. Everything was about him.... and if he at all thought for a moment that I was going to try and talk him out of what he wanted, he would blow up like that. Then later he'd say sorry. It is very interesting though, where their mind is at in the midst of all of it.

[workinghardguy]

Another mixed day... I guess considering the nature of the day, mixed is a "plus", though I could've done without the ER visit.

I woke up at 4am... couldn't sleep. Went downstairs to gather my thoughts and try to calm myself so I could go back to sleep. I come out from the back room and see my S coming downstairs (it's now 4:30am). As I start to ask him what he's doing my W is in tow behind him. He woke her up because of his cough and was dragging her downstairs to see all the presents Santa brought (I'm assuming he came downstairs once already looking for me, then went back up and awoke my W) We got S back to sleep and as I crawled in W starts having a convo with me... about her headache, our S, the funny things he was saying... it was a little weird. I just rolled over and went to sleep. Thankfully I actually slept.

S woke up a little before 7 and we went downstairs. W got up about an hour later. She was sort of cold, but also had a headache and was in a bunch of pain. She went and picked up SS and SD and once they got home we opened presents. That was hard. I was on the verge of tears most of the time... watching the kids be so happy, knowing what is coming. It broke my heart. My W and I shared a bunch of happy laughs and moments as the kids were funny, happy, and crazy. Then W tosses in to "keep the boxes" as some of the kids' presents came in big boxes (she'll need them for packing).

After presents I started making breakfast. W came in to help. At one point I had to leave her with the cooking and just go upstairs and cry... couldn't take it any more. After a good cry I felt better.

While making breakfast W mentions that we may get stuff done in time for a nap. Then she offers that I can take a nap since I was up sooner and went to bed later. In the past I would've said I don't need one (though I do) and deferred to her. But today I said we'll see...

After breakfast we all cleaned up and did dishes. Then I told W I was laying down. She got grumpy and mad. She wanted a nap... again in the past I would've acquiesced, but today I had to really fight that urge, but I did and went to bed. When I got up my W said she had called her mom, told her we'd be late, and she went and laid down. Hmm... interesting that it all worked out and the world didn't collapse.

W was in a better mood after her nap, but S was pretty sick. At one point he didn't even want to go to grandma's house for presents he felt so sick (and for a five year old to pass on presents he must be sick!). But then he changed his mind so we all went to my MIL's for Christmas though we took two cars in case S got sick again.

MIL's went fine. Had fun with the nieces and nephews. SIL and SIL were fine and FIL and I talked for a while. Food was good, and again W and I shared a bunch of moments of laughter and looks. Again it felt weird. I so wanted to touch her or hold her... it took all my power to not do so as we frequently were in close proximity since the house is pretty small. Unfortunately my S's health kept declining most of the day. By late afternoon his breathing was labored and his lungs sounded terrible. W and I decided he needed to go to the emergency room for evaluation as he was clearly having respiratory distress. We'd just finished opening presents so I loaded my S up and drove the 20 minutes to the closest ER. As I left I said goodbye to everyone... knowing it may be the last holiday I attend there, and I was ok with that. I went to leave and my MIL gives me a big hug (she's a hugger). I hug her back and tell her "thanks for everything, you've always been really great". She starts to cry and I do too, but I need to get my S to the ER, so I pull away and we leave.

S and I get to the ER... he turned out ok. Had to get a respiratory treatment and a prescription, but overall ok. My W used to work at the hospital we went to and it's a small place, so I kept getting asked how my W is, what she's up to, etc... That was fun let me tell you.

W and I text back and forth about how S is doing. By the time we get home, W and SS and SD are home too. W and I talk about S. Then my W asks me what I said to her mom as I left. I tell her and she says that's what she said too... I ask why. Turns out MIL kept crying even after I left and FIL couldn't figure out why. Well, at least someone will miss me

Shortly after getting home W heads off to a Christmas party. I think crush guy is there, but not sure. She has to work at 9am tomorrow so we'll see when she gets home and her state. But it doesn't really matter... she's the one who has to work tomorrow, not me. I'll be setting up my new XBox

So yeah... a mixed Christmas. It would've been a great one if this whole sitch wasn't happening. Kids were super happy and surprised. W and I got along great... hugs and kisses would've made it better. Knowing this is the only thing W has been waiting for in telling the kids makes me sad. Not really looking forward to 2012 and now it is the next big stop.

But it is what it is, and I'll keep on keeping on.

[2thepoint]

"I went to leave and my MIL gives me a big hug (she's a hugger). I hug her back and tell her "thanks for everything, you've always been really great". She starts to cry and I do too, but I need to get my S to the ER, so I pull away and we leave."

Man, that brought a tear to my eye, WHG!

Glad your S is going to feel better. Hope the week ahead is a good one for you!

[Rick1963]

WHG you got a new Xbox? That is awesome. Glad you had a decent Christmas next year will be great. You will see. Call of duty games are my favorites

[workinghardguy]

I got COD: Black Ops for SS. We spent part of today playing it. We also got the Kinect and two Kinect games... they are awesome fun, especially for SD and S.

Journaling... one of those days... so you may recall I didn't know when W would get home, but she had to work this morning. Well... 2:30am I wake up, no W. I start to fret but let it go and actually fall back asleep (though I did take some Tylenol PM, figuring it may be a rough night). About 4:45am I wake up... still no W. Now I start to worry... is she hurt? dead? in jail? I almost text/call her, but don't. C'mon... the odds of that are low... I go back to sleep. About 10 minutes later I get a text from her telling me she passed out at her BFF's house (three blocks away), her headache is still terrible (gee, wonder why!), and she is going to go in to work late. I'm fairly proud that I didn't reply... I just rolled over and went back to sleep.

S got me up a little before 7. Then I remembered W's text, so then I texted her back with "K. Hope you feel better." About 15 minutes later she gets home (I'm guessing my text woke her up). She goes upstairs to bed for a few hours, telling me she called work and told them she'll be in but about noon.

And really I was pretty at peace with the whole thing. Was she screwing "crush guy" over at BFF's house? Maybe. Probably. Maybe not. A month ago I would've loaded my S up and driven over there to spy. See if crush's car was there, try to look in the windows, etc... I had that urge this morning, but let it pass. Whatever, her life. We're done.. at least right now we are done as a married couple, and I'm accepting of that. Right now is all about the future.

I end up running to the store to get a cable for the Xbox. I stop at Subway and grab a sandwich. I grab one for my W too... she'll be hungry when she wakes up. I know some will say not to have done that... that it's pursuing... but in the case I see it as detaching. She came home at 7am... after a night of drinking and is going to be late to work because of it. And I'm not mad... and I'm really not. It's her life. Not only am I not mad, here's a sandwich I would've done it for a friend, so I'll do it for her.

She wakes up and is surprised at the coffee and sandwich. She tells me thank you for both. The thank you was fairly formal, but genuine. I've noticed she's always more cold and standoffish after being around her crush, or it may just be reaction to yesterday. Anyway, she leaves for work and I don't hear from her again until she just got home. And then she went straight to bed, though she did tell me good night.

The day was pretty good. Did some cleaning while the kids enjoyed their presents. Lost my cool a little bit at one point when kids trashed a room I just picked up, but we sat down and discussed it. S is still sick and the steroids make him jittery and hyper... that got old today. But overall a fun day... weather was beautiful so we did get out for a walk... S got a scooter for Christmas and was dying to take it out for a spin

Tomorrow back to work for a bit... W is working 48 hours this week so won't see her much at all.

The two negatives for the day were... a) this marks the first time where W's drinking has impacted her ability to go to work. I'm hoping this is not the start of a new level of drinking behavior for her, and b) SD noticed that W had taken down the wedding photos and asked me where they were. I just told her mom must have taken them down to clean them. Yeah.. that's it.

[workinghardguy]

I did mean to mention too about detaching... so I cleaned today. Cleaned all three bathrooms, picked up the living room, and put away the seven loads of laundry that have been hanging around all week. I had the time and W works OT this week, so I didn't mind.

But in the past I would've cared whether she noticed and said thank you. Now... well heck, I just realized (two hours after she got home) that she didn't say anything. And that's ok... she was tired and I didn't do it to curry favor. I did it because I was tired of digging in laundry baskets for my underwear and because the bathrooms were getting bad.