I have not been here in quite some time but thought to take a few moments to stop by today. I am calling this thread an "Open Love Letter" because it is a love letter to any one that finds themselves on this site desperately trying to save their marriage. I was there. I am so sorry that you are here.
I can remember searching the web looking for a magic fix, anything that would bring my husband back. We are some seven years down the road, divorced and trying to raise our kids. We are cautiously friendly.
While deep in the tunnel, he was a person that I did not know. He was disconnected from everyone that he felt would not agree with his choices. He would leave the kids with his mother and disappear for hours at a time to enjoy his new life. He struggled with finalizing the divorce. He would start and then stop ... start and stop... I never took it on until I had really just had enough of him so I offered to pay half and recommended that he see my attorney to just get this done already.
As for a glimpse into the life of the MLCer ... the ex has confessed that "at the time he thought that it was a good idea to get divorced" rather than to try to have a new relationship with me. " I guess we just have to make the best of things now." He is still with his OW but they live separately. He has tried to force feed a cordial relationship with her and my kids. Kids are not so much into it but they are polite. He is trying to rebuild his relationship with them and is attentive and reconnecting. It is wonderful to see signs of the father that I remember him being.
I am writing this letter to tell you first hand that you will get through the tough times. it won't be easy but there will be people to help and support you on this site and in your daily lives. Try not to obsess about your spouse, their actions, who they are with and what they are doing. Unfortunately, if they are are in MLC they may become a person that you just don't recognize. Focusing on them only paralyzes you and keeps you from moving on and finding the path that is in store for you.
Please know that you must love and save yourself first. You can't do anything to force your spouse to change for the better or to become the person that you want them to be again. Your spouse is an adult and while he or she lives in MLC looney ville you need to focus on you. Whether or not your spouse chooses to grow up, you must take care of you first. Be strong, be firm, be responsible, get a life of your own and get sure of what you need to do to protect yourself. Take your eyes off of your spouse and focus on you and your children.
Don't hang on every word or action. Real change in an MLCer takes a very long time and will be consistent. If it is a genuine change, you won't have to wonder what it means, it will be obvious. Don't read into every thing that they say or do. Begin to trust yourself and make decisions that are best for you. Protect yourself emotionally, financially, and sexually. If you believe in a higher power, pray for guidance and strength. If there is something that you want for your life GO FOR IT in order to improve YOUR life.
I did not do enough to protect my relationship, I will admit that wholeheartedly. I made many mistakes and acted foolishly at times. But forgiveness is a gift that you give yourself.
Try not to be so hard on yourself, you are only human.
I would not wish this long and at times arduous road on anyone but what I can say is that one day you will find yourself on the other side and wonder how you got there!
