Just journaling...it's been emotional couple of days.
1) Had my first IC on Friday. It went well, I think. Going back next week.
2) H came home Friday night. His head is still elsewhere. He still believes we're better of separate. The first night we did ok not talking R. He slept on the couch. The next day started ok, but went downhill. We each went separate ways doing last minute xmas shopping and didn't see each other half of the day. I also went for a walk in late afternoon so that H and S could have one on one time and I wanted to get away. He's been rather mean to S, always getting on his case and yelling. I feel so sad for S as I see his little heart crush. I can't comfort him either, or else H will get mad at me. But sitting there doing nothing, H can tell it bothers me, so he started getting at me for parenting S a certain way. I tried to keep cool, but then couldn't keep my mouth shut and said that not everyone's heart is stone cold and that we can't all turn off our feelings like that. Well, you can imagine the rest. R talk happened again, I tried to keep calm and neutral, but couldn't help but get emotional. I keep trying to tell myself that he doesn't mean what he says, that his actions are controlled by his feelings without any logic or anything. But it's so hard to brush it off. He said he didn't want to be there, but was there for S.
After S was in bed, we wrapped presents. He actually wrapped, too, which he normally doesn't unless it's for me. He stayed on the couch again. He came into bed early morning, but later I found out that he thought that S would wake up and jump on the bed all excited for Xmas. Well, that didn't happen, he woke up and I went into his room and we cuddled for a few minutes.
Opening presents was good. S was very excited. H and I exchanged gifts, too. Nothing too personal, but still makes me feel weird if he really does leave then these things will remind me of him.
I made breakfast for us and then we played a new XBox Kincet game that S got. It almost felt "normal".
I also found out that H is considering C, which he didn't before. However, he is thinking about the C that our friend used when he was getting through his divorce a year ago. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I still don't think he wants to work this out. I know I'm early in the DB stages and still have a lot to learn, but it stinks when you don't see any glimpses of home. H asked me what I would do if we separated and if we can be friendly with each other.
This morning H also said that he was sorry that our marriage was in the $%#*&$. I said "me too".
