1. How do you regain trust after an affair? 2. What do you say to someone when “I’m sorry” has been worn out?
All the best and Merry X-Mas.
Merry Christmas to you and your family too, Herb.
Just to restate, and I do understand the deep pain from your past, that getting a second opinion that your anger might be caused by something other than psychological... just get those other things ruled out.
As far as your questions above:
1) I don't think it's much of a stretch to say you haven't forgiven yourself. No matter how much your W might trust you, you won't feel it until you've healed your own pain. Your W wouldn't still be with you if she didn't trust you, at least at some level.
2) Again, saying the words repeatedly will not just sound hollow to your W, but they are likely sounding hollow to yourself. You are saying the words, and then your actions show otherwise (at least they appear to, to you), and so you have lost trust in yourself that you mean what you say and keep behaving negatively towards your W.
Remember, as odd as this may sound, that when you apologize, it is for past behaviours. If you felt remorse for those past behaviours and sincerely apologized, that is what you can do.
But until you get your anger "fixed", whatever the cause, understand that you are going to behave badly, again... OWN that... it is what you do, until you stop...
Do you know if your W has "forgiven" you for having your daughter (and I'm assuming the girl given up for adoption was yours). Is that a conversation you have had with her?
If the girl was your daughter... have you truly forgiven yourself? That's deep stuff...
Herb, be well and enjoy the holiday as best you can. Love like you've never loved before. Love your W, love your children, love your family, LOVE YOURSELF... TRULY... LOVE YOURSELF, in all the good AND bad... because your bad doesn't define you... it is just part of what you have done, not who you are... feel for those who are not as fortunate as you are and help them out if you have a chance...
Take care of yourself, Herb. In all of your past, you do still deserve it. We all do.
