Today was highly emotional. I actually just stopped crying and pulled myself together while ago.

I got an email this morning from my sister, letting me know our Uncle (who is across country from me)has about 48 hours left to live. He has been fighting lung cancer, and is 70 yo.

Later, h and I went for a brief ride together while our D went to the neighbors to play. We stopped off at a church in town, and sat down together in the silence for awhile. He put his arm around me and we just sat there like this, until he asked to go see a Marian altar on the opposite end of the church. When we left, he said he'd love to come back with me again, and go to church when we moved back home. I felt really good about this...

But... anxiety inside of me started to build at some point in the late afternoon. The anxiety was filled with thoughts of... what if he changes his mind, what if he leaves me in CA, what if this goes all wrong.... and it sort of.... took over.

I decided not to let it drag the day down. We ended up having a great dinner together that evening, we both cooked together. After that we opened a few gifts, then we took D into town to see Christmas lights and get some treats.

Later on, after getting D tucked in and i came upstairs to see H filling stockings, and all of the sudden I felt my heart in my chest jump, the anxiety came rushing in and tears started coming... I didn't want to ruin the moment.

I kept thinking to myself... this year, he could have been gone. What would have happened to us. What would Christmas had been like for D. All of these thoughts reeled through my mind and I broke down crying. H heard me in the other room and came and held me.... and we talked for awhile. he said he understood... and that he was very happy he was here and that he felt awful that he was the reason why I felt so anxious.

Although the discussion was good.... and it all ended on a happy note as we started talking about other things, and our D... I just felt so awful for losing it like that.

Like you said 25, I'm struggling to live in the present. I feel like I'm going through something like PTSD. I don't know.. I just want to feel better..