Curve balls? Heck, I don't even play softball!!!

[aeolianchaos]

Hi IS,

I've been taking a break from too much time on here. I did want to post to you though because something about the pain you're experiencing resonates with how I remember feeling last year and maybe I can offer some kind of support, empathy, or constructive ideas.

The Holiday season doesn't help -- it is packed with affect and if your mind is focused on lack, the contrast only seems stronger.

Yet here is a fairly anonymous person typing a message to you on xmas eve at 3am. Not because they are obliged to, but because on some level we are interconnected. I see your pain and know what pain feels like. I think about your confusion and I know that I know what that desire for clarity and understanding feels like, too. So we are connected in the very least that while our personal experience is different, we both know joy and suffering in some ways.

I think what Val says has a lot of wisdom to it and it transcends any one religion.

This issue of emotion can be a tricky one but I think that one way to think about it is that we are going to have emotions - the Dalai Lama has emotions - fear, anger, love, joy.. - and we need to find a way to understand our emotions and also figure out what kinds of thoughts are playing a role in them.

I agree with Val that it may be helpful to take a deep look at some of your feelings.. but also the thoughts you have that are linked to them. See if you can't bring an objective lens to that and just accept whatever is at this moment. Maybe you think things that are so f#cked up (in your own opinion) that you don't even want to acknowledge that you are thinking it.

Why? What happens if you accepted those thoughts? It's what's happening anyways, isn't it? Maybe those things aren't the ONLY thing you're thinking anyways. Maybe they are just one piece of a bigger puzzle. We can't work skillfully with what we can't recognize.

Maybe you don't even fully recognize these emotions or something in you doesn't feel safe enough to even fully experience them yet. That's okay, too. You will move forward in time. Just accept where you are right now is a good place to begin.

I am not religious - not even theistic - but I am very fond of Buddhist philosophy and so I wanted to share something that clicked for me.

Susan Piver's website is very good and has a lot of interesting thoughts about relationships. She has a post about confidence where she talks about some of the teachings her teacher Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche shares about how to build confidence and how to create a 'container' from which confidence will spontaneously rise:

Here they are, basically copied from her site:

1- Clean up your space. (Doesn’t matter if it’s inexpensive or high-end: a clean, neat space is dignified and good)
2- Wear nice clothes. (Not expensive, necessarily; laundered, well-fitting, and so on)
3- Spend time with people who increase your energy. (As an act of joy, not resentment)
4- Eat good food. (Not necessarily “healthy” or gourmet–means fresh; high quality ingredients)
5- Spend time in the natural world.


I personally think Meditation has been one of my most important undertakings in terms of coping with all of this - both in dealing with the stressors (ala prog. relaxation) and trying to grow up as a person (more trad. awareness-oriented meditations). It might be useful for you - there is a lot about "learning to become friends with your self" that might be helpful in learning to treat yourself with the same kind of loving kindness you may already be treating others with. i think if you can do that.. it's a place where wonderful things can happen.

The pain you're experiencing is probably still pretty tightly linked to the stories that you're telling yourself. I think that if you can find out some of those stories.. maybe you can take some of the power away from them?

You'll get there.. and there will hopefully be a better place than that other there was.