Curve balls? Heck, I don't even play softball!!!

[Valeska19]

@ IS,
I saw your post of my wall. I am soo sorry you are hurting this badly. I know the holiday season doesn't help.

I don't know if you are purposefully sabotaging your chances. I agree with 25 - you are smart and seem to "get it" intellectually... so what's the deal?

IMHO - it's because you are still scratching the surface of your emotions. There are surface emotions and deep emotions. Usually the surface emotion is what you are projecting - but is NOT the deep emotion you are feeling. You MUST deal with the deep emotion in order for the surface emotions to stay changed.

I never used to be able to STFU either. I always talked about R.

I wanted to her know that I cared and could change. I wanted to understand how she could treat me so badly, I wanted her acceptance.. I wanted to know she still loved me.

Why... because I had wrapped up all my self worth in HER. If she thought I was worthy - then I felt worthy.

Now I KNOW i'm worthy. I don't need to tell my wife I have changed or that I love her. I just do and in my heart, that works for me.

So now when I see her.. it's SO MUCH easier to STFU. It's easy to not talk about R or resist the urge to ask things to "get approval".

I've dealt with the Deep Emotion. Therefore my surface emotions changed as well.

So it's time to start looking deep IS. Start looking into what your r was really about for you. I know you are reading about codependency.. what rings true for you (if anything)?

If you don't dig deep, this tragedy will consume you. It will strip you of everything you have.

I saw my uncle last week. He is also going through a D and has been for almost 2 yrs.

He's gone back to alcohol. He's even popping pills. He's so angry and hurt. He projects his manhood by texting multiple women but complaining about them all.

Obviously him and I chose different paths. My heart breaks for him. That he let his pain, and his w's selfishness break him. So sad.

But here is the thing... HIS CURRENT STATE IS NOT HIS WIFE'S FAULT... IT IS HIS OWN!

He has CHOSEN to allow his w and his sitch destroy him... and I'll tell you what... his son is suffering because of it too.

Is that what you want for you S4? I think not........

... so get help. We are here for you but what are you doing about getting support from "Physical" bodies??

Divorce groups are working wonders for Rick and JB.

I understand the church thing. I hate the title "Christian". I hate that people have taken a loving father and used him to promote hatred....

.... I also feared trusting in something and being let down. After all, I trusted my w and she just ripped my heart out and squashed it with a semi- truck.

.... but I have walked where you are walking... and I didn't know what else to do. I knew that I wanted to fight, but also wanted to die. I knew I was failing at handling it on my own. I was not strong enough.

So I walked into Church and I put it out there. I no longer was to prideful to admit I was too weak. I no longer let the fear rule me.

I decided to take control of my life.

I am not saying to go back to church or join a D group (although I may be suggesting it ) but d@mnit IS - TAKE BACK YOUR LIFE.

YOU ARE IN CONTROL HERE. NOT YOUR WIFE!

You are too smart, caring, and loving to allow this to destroy you. You owe it to your son. He!! you owe it to yourself.

Your w is just a person. She is not God and does not determine your self worth. She does not determine your happiness. She only has the control over you that you allow her to have. SO STOP GIVING IT TO HER.

It's time to start fighting. It's time to put your needs back in the spotlight.

So let's start now - there's no better time. How about a small baby step. Tell me 5 things that you make you feel better about yourself. It can be easy..when I first started it was this

1. Wear make-up everyday
2. Dress feminine at least once a wk.
3. If I go out w/ friends. Buy one a drink
4. Save all my recyclables and give them to the dude that digs through my trash.
5. Post only positive things on Facebook.

See how that easy that was... so come on.. what's your 5 things?

Define them... do them!

You can do this!

(((( ))))