@DG - I wish you all the best too sweetie! You've come so far and been through so much. Our sitches sukk for sure but I'm thankful for your support.
@Bklym - I completely understand. As time passes and as you grow, the support and use of the board changes as well. For now - just take it a day at a time. It really does get better.
I'll continue to post for sure. It's time I start healing and truly detaching. If anything, I'll use the board to journal about that.
@ west - Thank you so much! I really feel like I am starting to get the old Val back. I think that I've always been kind and loving, but just spent the last 8 yrs putting all of my energy into my wife.
I've come to realize that my w is not as loving as I thought. She is very angry, hurt, fearful, and so many other negative feelings. She choses to run, she choses not show grace, she chooses not to forgive.
She is not me and although I accept where she is in her journey.. I've come to realize that in the last 8 yrs, she brought me down. Like a victim who is drowning and who almost drowns the lifeguard when all the lifeguard is trying is save them.
She almost drowned me...
Which brings me to this..
Journal:
This is my first Christmas without my wife. Today.. I woke up feeling sad... Then I got pissed off (what nerve for my w to tell me her Xmas will be "interesting")
But it stops now. I refuse to give my w any more power today. Yes.. I am bruised and battered.. I am tired and I am emotional.. But I am not broken.. And no matter what... I will not break!
For as much as I am struggling, I am convinced that God loves me and although I am sad that my w is not part of that love, I will not allow that to overshadow all the love and blessings in my life.
My mom is currently cooking my favorite meal. I will head over later and spend Christmas Eve will my sister and family. In the morning, my eldest niece is going to make the most "bangin" chocolate chip pancakes ever. I will play Xbox with my nephews and take part in being one of the princesses in the youngest new castle.
..... If I'm really lucky... Maybe the bears will beat the packers too!
I will count my blessings and will accept that right now, God has me exactly where I need to be (as graciously as possible).
I hope you all can find the blessings in your lives this holiday! We are all truly loved!
Merry Christmas Everyone!
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
