What else could I have done?

[25yearsmlc]

Even though I feel like I want to communicate with her (to apologize for my behavior during the marriage, and share some things with her that I never got to say), would it be a mistake to do so?


Antlers, if you had not said you're sorry, and meant it, maybe there would be a point. But according to YOU, you've said it and meant it. So stop apologizing.
It does end up looking self serving

b/c to the wounded spouse it sounds as if you want a clean slate.

She's too wounded to give you that. So leave her alone, be decent and honorable in your dealings with her when they come up but do not make them come up. Just things about the kids that are mandatory...nothing else will help you at this time.


I still feel an emotional affinity to her. I believe that she still hurts because she was treated the way she was, despite what's been said, and I feel bad for it. Even though I know our marriage is over, I still care about her.

You are mindreading about what she feels AND why...

if you are correct and she's still nursing wounds you gave her, then when she sees you treating her better, and not speaking ill of her, she can either start healing or not.

I don't see how YOU can help her heal except by minimizing contact with her but making the best of it when you do interact.


Do I have to stop caring in order to get my power back?

You must detach to get your power back. You must be in charge of how you feel about YOU and your past and that seems to me, for you, to involve mostly forgiving yourself.

You made an interesting valid distinction between self forgiveness and having a conscience for bad acts. You feel remorse and that IS different -to an extent.

But it's also useless b/c you already said that your actions are different now. IF that is true and lessons were learned, then you must forgive yourself and move on so that you can recoup what is left of your life.

OR you'll be repeating the mistake. Remember when the love of your family was all around you but you ignored it? don't stay stuck in the past and ignore the love of today...b/c that's a form of doing the same thing.

You learned some tough lessons. So make the best of what remains

and show that you are a different man today. That's the best you can do -for you, for her and for all your loved ones.....

Do I need to stop any and all communication? She got hooked up with her new guy back in early October. For the previous 6 months we were communicationg in a pleasant and joking manner regularly.

if contact stopped when she met new guy, Then back off for now...

IF SHE initiates, then reply with some wit but with zero expectations...ZERO!!



is it just stupid and non-productive for me to attempt any communication with her at all? Would it interfere with any progress that I've made over the past 7 weeks? Would it interfere with my future progress?


it will surely interfere with future progress IF you are pursuing her. Why are you NOW wanting to contact her IF she has withdrawn from you?

If she has withdrawn from contacting you, then back off....or your efforts to show how different you are, will backfire.

I'm just sad about the whole damn thing. The emotional divorce is damn hard to me, and I'm really struggling with it. I've already suffered through the physical divorce, including all of the awful legal aspects and the distress and hurt that they cause.

Ever since this bad stuff began, once I knew better, I've wanted to fix it. I've wanted to fix she and I, and I wanted to fix our family.

then focus on the future and restoring and salvaging what you can.

Be here now.

Don't repeat the mistakes of the past by ignoring the love around you or being offered to you. And make sure you are giving it out too....

you have children who will always want you in their lives if they trust you won't disappoint them.

So again, be here now. That means being in the moment and not spending all your time in regret about yesterday b/c then your future will continue to contain mostly regrets about today.