mindfull, I completely forgot to get to the important things, basketball!! Way to go on your games and boy can I relate to losing your voice. Both of my sons won their games this weekend! S15 is more serious about it and will be on 3 teams as of January. S17 just does it for another workout and fun. My nephew is also on that team which is fun, to see them playing together is wonderful. H's whole family was there to support them on Saturday. It was nice to be around them, and of course they have no idea that we have had some bumps (as far as I know, he doesn't share much with them).
S15 has a scrimmage on Wednesday but I have my girls night out cookie swap that night and plan to go to that.
I can't believe it is less than a week until Christmas. Where did the time go?
I think removing yourself is a good thing. I read in one of the millions of things I've read since this started, that I could say something like, "I want to continue this later, right now I need to think about what's been said."
Have you read how to improve your marriage without talking about it? I get lots of opportunity to practice that since we don't talk. But the book makes lots of good points about fear, pain, shame and guilt and how those are the driving forces in marital discord.
Disentangle by Nancy Johnston is another one I keep going back to.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Thanks for the recommendations labug, I will look for them.
Ugh I just realized that my H tripped himself up in a lie. Last night when I saw him shoving his phone in, and he kissed me, he said that he was just checking his calendar for Monday and proceeded to tell me about all of the meetings he had scheduled, etc. I didn't ask any questions and let it go.
This morning when he emailed me he said "quiet day, getting a lot done"
Sadly he was drinking last night and most likely doesn't remember telling me that.
I haven't said anything, just let it go. I will not respond to any more emails today at all unless specifically about the kids.
Not sure what, if anything, there is for me to do here.
It could be old habit, not feeling safe telling me something or he could be hiding something. Either way, not my place to snoop or ask. I can't control anything but my own actions and reactions.
I guess you need to decide whether his lying is acceptable or not.
Have you read any of my threads on this site?
I will make some time soon to pick out the specific posts, detailing why I keep trying to stress doing what you can to find out the truth. You'll understand why I feel so strongly then.
The PI was the bet $3,500 I ever spent.
I could then make an educated decision about our future.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Autumn... We're missing some updates! How is the Christmas season shaping up? My S14's Bball team just won the "consolation bracket" champtionship last night. I'm so snotty, I was only partially thrilled. LoL Hope all is well!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Sorry to be so quiet the past few days. Some of it was GAL and some of it was blowing up in my face, sadly. Merry Christmas to both of you as well! I am trying to catch up on as many posts as I can.
Christmas started out nice and it seemed like he wanted to be here with us, and my family came to stay with us for Christmas eve. He was pleasant to them but distant (I tried not to read into anything).
Christmas day we went with his family and I spent it with everyone but him. It was nice enough and I just wanted my kids to have a nice day.
So we took the day off yesterday and were planning to do something with the kids. Took them out for the day and he was pleasant but distant.
In addition to changing his password, taking his phone to the bathroom EVERY time, and turning his phone to silent..yesterday I glanced over while he was texting and noticed that he had deleted ALL of his history. Only 2 texts were showing as if he had a brand new phone. Big red flag.
So I did what I swore I would never do again and I snooped. I checked to see if I could access FB with an old pw and he had deleted all private messages back to 2009. Left some archived and hard deleted the rest. One that he had archived was him a guy he used to work with. The guy was talking about having an affair on his wife (planning one) and my H said "you don't have to explain to me, I am no saint either" (this was from the end of September.)
If there is OW, I am fairly certain I know who it is. She was a friend of mine too until the end of the summer and just dropped off the face of the earth. Texts him but not me. When I texted her a few weeks ago, he got jumpy. I can't believe how blind I was.
I have done nothing with any of this yet.
Last night we were watching tv and he said 'my life sux, it is still groundhog day. You and the kids need so much from me and my life is not my own. I have nothing outside of work and the gym"
I told him that he clearly is asking for space and he can have it. This morning (in the sober light of day) he said "I am not asking for space, I was just feeling pressure"
I said "you accused us of being joined at the hip (exact words) this weekend (over Christmas), and if that isn't asking for space I don't know what is. Take it and find what makes you happy"
Tonight I am going out with a girlfriend. I have to figure out what I want. I no longer know if I want to DB, or better yet I will do it for me and my future. I no longer know if I want my M. If there is OW, it is not the first time and I can't keep doing this. Every time he becomes unhappy this is going to be in my head. I have responsibilities and pressure and don't respond like this, because I am an adult. He needs to grow up already. Sorry I am angry.
I promise not to stay away so long next time. I have the info for a divorce lawyer in my back pocket should I need to find out my rights. I want to be sure to protect me and the kids fully, but waiting for now. Trying to get through his parents anniversary party that I helped to plan, don't want to ruin for them or my kids.
Hey Autumn, I was actually just going to post on your thread and than I noticed you had posted on mine. Thank you so much for your words of wisdom.
“Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go.” — Herman Hesse
This really is an amazing quote! Thank you so much for sharing it with me.
I am really sorry that your husband is putting you through all of this. I know exactly how it feels when they carry their phone everywhere and have a grin on their face when they are texting. When my W's phone rings my heart literally stops.
I have to figure out what I want. I no longer know if I want to DB, or better yet I will do it for me and my future. I no longer know if I want my M.
This is a very powerful statement because you are beginning to focus on you and what makes you happy. For me personally, it has always been easier for me to make other people happy than it has been for me to look inside and see what really makes ME happy.
I don't know about you, but cheating, lying and disrespect does not make me happy and like you and everyone else on this board I am hurt and angry.
I am thinking about you as well and I will be following up on your situation.
Try to hang in there as much as possible
M:(f) 35 W: 45 3 dogs and 2 cats T: 9 years 9/30/11 I love you, but I'm not in love with you OW confirmed 12/23/11
But the book makes lots of good points about fear, pain, shame and guilt and how those are the driving forces in marital discord.