Just wanted to stop by to say to the newbies and the veterans who I met many moons ago.
It's been exactly 7 years and four months since my XH and I split up. (can't believe it's been that long) But I remember back in the day how much it meant to me to hear the story of people who survived such a terrible times in their lives during this awful monster called MLC. Well, I am here to tell you will make it.
If I did, so can you.
When I my XH left I was a stay at home mom with a 7 and 10 year old. I did not have a job, I was halfway through a grad degree that I had lost interest in for many reasons, and basically a shell of a person. Although you would have never known it from the outside, I was crumbling on the inside, before he left.
Why did he leave? Well, it was a bunch of things, as I see in hindsight now. Could we have made it through some serious counseling - maybe. We tried but he was not into it. However, it was a combo of his MLC, another women and me. I take responsibility for the things I may have done or didn't do, because it would be impossible to say I didn't have something to do with him leaving. However, the way it was done, well, let's just say he has apologized (a heartfelt apology) a few times. Does it matter? Not really. I am glad he sees the error in his ways but I forgave him before he apologized. It was nice to hear, anyway.
What is he up to now?
He just recently bought a house about three streets away from mine - less than a block away. How do I feel? Indifferent. I want what makes my kids happy. My daughter is thrilled. I find it funny to see the very town he ran from, blaming all of his problems, is where he ran back to. It's my hometown, too, which is the ironic part. But it's big enough for the two of us.
What am I up to now?
As of May 2007, I finished a Master's degree, began teaching as adjunct professor of writing at a local community college, became engaged in 2008 (to a wonderful guy), started my own coaching business (I am a personal and professional development coach) and have (the best part) two awesome kids that have survived the big D and are doing GREAT!
How did I get from point A (the crap) to point B (the better part)?
First, as hard as it is to do, you need to accept your reality. I didn't want to be a victim anymore and give my then H the control of my thoughts, emotions and my life anymore. I wanted to take back the wheel and continue to hope for the best - however our marriage turned out.
As I began working on myself - you know all that time we spend obsessing over the OW and WAS? I tried to take all those negative thoughts and channel them. That is what I did with my grad degree. I was so busy studying and student teaching and taking care of two kids, I didn't have time to think about them! Eventually, it became second nature to forget about what they were or were not doing. I had better things to think about - me! All of a sudden I had mindspace for me. This happens once you accept your reality. You stop blaming, take ownership of your life and start to move forward.
What does my XH think of the "new me"?
Let's just say he is done with MLC but I see drips and drabs. Honestly, it takes YEARS for the MLCer to work through their stuff. I started to think about my XH's journey as just that - a journey. He revisited so much of his childhood and the dysfunction, it was textbook. Eventually, I started to look at him like that child, and it made me sad.
Once I pulled away and reclaimed my life, "karma boundaries" and stopped letting him suck me into the drama, a strange thing happened. We started to become friends again.
He is nice to my fiance, for the most part, is kind to me when I call him, remains supportive (for the most part) with the kids although he has a hard time dealing with the teenage stuff so I deal with that on my own with the support of my fiance. Basically, I have my list - what can I count on my XH for list and what I can't. That way, I don't ever get disappointed. Not always easy, but it has made me stronger.
How are my kids?
Well, when my XH left my son, then 10 years old, was awful. He was an avid football player and quit. Barely looked anyone in the eye..never smiled. For about a year, I was a basketcase wondering what would happen to him.
Now, he is waiting to hear from a few ivy league schools for a football scholarship. He started three years on his high school football team, they won the states one year and made the finals this year. He has a wonderful girlfriend and has done extremely well academically, too.
As for my daughter, who was 7 at the time. She had a very hard time with emotional issues when her dad left and dealt with eating for comfort. It was hard and I was careful to get some help professionally and maintain the focus on her wellness and not her waistsize. Now, she is a very social, happy, funny, freshmen in high school who is the school volleyball team and just made high honor roll. She has worked out her issues with her dad (for the most part) and spends much of her time being silly with her mom. We have a ball.
How did they get from point A (the crap) to point B (the better part)?
I stopped complaining about my life, their dad and got busy with my own and with them. I kept them on a schedule doing much of the same - family dinners, activities, friends here. I kept the house alive during a time when I felt dead inside. It helped SO MUCH to have new faces here (friends, aunts, uncles, cousins) to keep the spark. Also, having other people in the picture created stability for the kids when they needed it most. They had people to talk to other than their mom, cheerleaders in the stands at their games and someone to fill their dad's empty seat at the dinner table. I HIGHLY recommend keeping your home alive. Decorate for the holidays even if you don't feel up to it, keep family movie night, etc. Do whatever you can to make your house a safe haven so they want to come home at the end of the day. (that is when kids get into trouble if they feel the opposite.)
So, those are a few of the things that I have learned along this crazy, wacky but I wouldn't change it for a minute journey. Well, maybe some of it but for the most part, I have learned more in the past 7 years than in my whole 43 years of my life.
Happy Holidays to everyone who may not think they ever will be happy again. Know one thing - you will.
Wow. I am really happy that you have taken such charge of your life, glad that you have come to such a good place, and also thankful that you came back to post. I think the people here are so instrumental in helping others, and I am always excited to see people come back after a really long time to let us know how they are. It sounds like you're in a great place, and kudos to you for that. Happy holidays :-)
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Patti, I was so happy to see your posting this morning. I'm so proud of you! Congratulations!
Please stop by again soon. We miss you!
Wishing you and your family a wonderful holiday season!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
MTN, thank you for your post. everyone continues to remind me that DB is really about me. I have hope.
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
MTN, I was thinking of you a few days ago while I was reading some of the posts. You are one of the very few people I have seen on here that has really made some serious changes to your life and moved on. Its so sad to see so many people that are just stuck and keep doing the same things over and over and expecting a different result. You are a wonderful example of someone who has built a great new life!!
