First post, words of wisdom needed

[sunshine76]

Thanks Rick, I will definetely give melotonin a try. I have been volunteering at an assisted living facility which I really enjoy, but I also need to make friends with people a little closer to my age that are allowed to leave the facility that they live in Although if all of this keeps up much longer I may be living in a facility which I am not allowed to leave

[2thepoint]

"I am so effing mad and hurt right now. I think the only reason I am posting is to stop me from throwing my computer. I don't understand this. She has always been honest to a fault and now she is telling all of these lies!!"

This is typical WAS behavior. She is an alien at the moment and unfortunately, you are just going to have to get used to this. Just remember, have no expectations whatsoever!! If you can do this well, it will go a lot easier for you!

"I feel like such an effing idiot! It's not like she is cheating on me because she did say that she wanted to date other people, but I out and out asked her on several occasions if there was someone else and I could see it in her eyes that she wasn't telling the truth which made me absolutley crazy."

I know this is making you crazy Sunshine and I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. Just know that this is par for the course as the expression goes. Your W has dumped you emotionally, and feels free to do whatever she wants. The fact that she lies about seeing someone else is maybe a small sign that she is ashamed of her actions even if she can't help them or stop them at the moment.

Try to hang in there!

[purgatory]

Sounds like there are clouds over the sunshine... was that cheesy enough for ya?

I really feel for you. My theory about the lies is this: She doesn't want to *see* her hurt your feelings. What I mean is, If she were to come out a tell you the truth- that she is staying with OW-she would have to see the pain on your face... and she doesn't want to see that because somewhere inside, she still cares about you.
Now don't get me wrong, I think this is a coward move on her part. If someone is going to be bold enough to say that they want a separate life, doesn't love you and wants to date other people- than she should have the guts to live the with consequences of her actions; ie: seeing how her actions hurt you.

I am happy to see that you are volunteering and making 'friends'... I'm sure you bring some sunshine to the elder generations (still cheesy?) I do agree with you that you need to make some friends that can *go out* of their homes to a bar or to the movies. I heard of a site on this board (I can't remember who recommended it) its called 'meetup.com'. It's a great way to see events in your area, and there are TONS of interest groups to choose from. I joined one that is for single moms so I can meet woman who are in my same situation and make friends for my kids. Just a thought that doesn't cost money and gives you a chance to expand your friend circle.

Make it a goal to enjoy your holiday weekend!

[sunshine76]

2thepoint, I just wanted to thank you so much. You have no idea how much your words of encouragement, advice and insight mean.

I really don't know what I would have done without everyone on this board. Actually, I know what I would have done. I would have totally flown off the handle and confronted my wife which in turn would have led to her kicking me out of the house and pushing her straight into the arms of the OW. So thank you all so much for sharing your stories and advice.

Purgatory, your post made me smile (I am a sucker for cheesy lines). You also always have a way of always giving me hope which I desperatly need right now!!! Thank you

[sunshine76]

Journal:

Well I took everyone's advice and did a little GALing yesterday. I called up the only person that I know here and we took the dogs for a long walk. After that I went with her and her partner to walk around and look at christmas lights. Looking at the lights was kind of a bummer because I wanted my W there and than I kept thinking to myself that she was probably doing something similar with OW and not even giving me a second thought. Oh well, I got out of the house so I am cutting myself some slack and giving myself a little credit.

My W comes home on Wednesday and I am really scared how she is going to act towards me. I am living in my W's house (her dad passed away and left it to her). I can only imagine that the OW is not pleased that I am still here and that my W is going to take it out on me when she gets back. Up until a couple of days ago I would have told you with absolute certainty that even if my wife did ask me to leave that she would have given me as much time as I needed to find a place, but given the fact that I no longer feel like I know who I am dealing with I am scared and don't know what to expect.

I am thinking that it would best to make sure that I am not home when she gets here that way she has time to come in, decompress, go to her room... and hopefully I can sneak back in and not have to see her. Any thoughts on how to handle her homecoming??

[purgatory]

Yea for you getting out of the house!!! It might not have been as exciting as going to Vegas or something- but like you said, you GOT OUT so give yourself some slack.

As far as the homecoming...that's a tricky one. Its seems that you have already written a scripts as to what is going to happen... try to have no expectations. Fact is, she hasn't told you to move out yet, so this is still your house and you have every right to be there. I can understand how scary it is to not be able to predict her actions at this time (because like 2thepoint said she is an alien right now) but you can control *your* actions. Only you can decided what you will be comfortable with for her homecoming. The ideal setting would be something like this:
She comes in the door and sees you dressed nice and you're gathering up your things. Then you leave shortly after she gets home and say: 'welcome back' as you close the door behind you. Stay gone for a few hours (go the movies if you have to kill a couple hours). You come back and greet her with a smile. Don't ask her about her trip, pretend you have something else to do in the house (it would be awesome if you could even make a phone call, that you have to leave the room to talk-hehe.)

Now this does a couple of things: She is left to wonder where you're going looking all dressed up, she can't immediately confront you about moving out (if had any plans to), you have showed her that you created a life while she was gone and that you weren't sitting around waiting for her return. When you get back, she will have had time to wind down from her trip and whatever plans she had to confront you, will have gone from emotional brain to logical brain- and the conversation will be much calmer (if there was even going to be one).

Just my 2 cents
I really appreciate all the support you've given me on my thread.

[sunshine76]

Purgatory you absolutely ROCK!!! How in the world did you get so good at this DBing stuff so quickly??

I would have done everything wrong, but you have given me amazing advice which I am 100% going to follow.

I'll be thinking about you and your family today. I have a good feeling that things are going to workout for you. You seem to be making incredible strides in bettering yourself and I have no doubt that your husband is taking notice

[In_Shock]

Yes, purgatory has great advice!! Sunshine, I know how scary it can be to live in 'her' house. In my case, we have purchased the house together financially, but it is all in W's name, so legally....well... It's really scary, but keep your cool. Don't bring it up at all.

It's also important to do as purgatory said about not asking any questions. I have made that mistake a few times and it NEVER ends well. The less you know, the easier to DB. Snooping is, in my opinion, a quick way to screw up your PMA. When I snooped the one time i did, I saw way too much and had OW confirmed in a way I cannot erase ever from my mind. I haven't snooped a bit since, and what I don't know is better left UNKNOWN. Lord knows I hear enough/see enough just by virtue of the fact that we are still living together in the same house...

Which leads me to another thing. Many here say it's a great idea to keep living together - you get more opportunities to DB. Well, that's a hard one for some of us to buy --- I've lived it with OW in my FACE since August 28, and I can honestly say I think this sitch has been made much worse because of our living together. If we were apart (which is going to happen after the first of the year) I could be at my best when I see W,not have to deal with her incessant texting OW, running off to see OW, bringing gifts from OW in the house all the time, jewelry fliers addressed to W: a preferred customer, and the list goes on......

Nutshell: living apart to me seems to be the only chance MY W and I have to maybe one day work things out. She is firm in always telling me she sees no future with us -- that she is "done" etc....... I think I've been absolutely crazy at times due to this inhumane living situation. How in the world can ANYONE live like this???? Some of these DBers are amazing. I just don't have the fortitude I guess.

BTW I used to live in sunny Southern Cal. years ago. I also lived in cool/beautiful Northern Cal as well. I miss Cali. I have family out there, and if it weren't for S, I'd be considering moving back out there.

[sunshine76]

Hey IS thank you so much for posting! I completely understand what you mean about the legal aspect. My W and I still own our townhome in Houston, but it is in her name (lesson learned). Up until this past year I have always been financially independent and paid for much more than my share of the bills... Wife convinced me that I should go back to school which was very sweet of her at the time, but boy it sure stinks right now because I am having to totally start over from scratch.

I am sorry that you had the OW women confirmed in a way that you will never be able to erase!! I can only imagine what that was. I am done snooping. I knew that something was going on I just didn't know exactly what or when it started, but now all of the pieces fit together.

Like you, I think that we would be better off living seperately. My W has had alot of traumatic things happen in her life that she has never dealt with. Now all that stuff has caught up to her and I think that she is treating me as her scapegoat. If we were not together that would eliminate me from the equation and she might have to look at herself in the mirror and figure out what is really going on in her life, but now she is in a long distance R with OW so I don't forsee her getting help anytime soon.

It must be so difficult having the OW thrown in your face all the time. I have no idea how you are dealing with that. I do have to say that my W has been fairly respectful. She typically calls OW when she is in her room or at work and doesn't text to much in front of me, but that could all change once she gets back from her 8 day vacation with her and has to face the real world again.

I am really enjoying California. I'm jealous that you used to live in N. California. I have always wanted to live there. To bad you don't still live here we could get some coffee and come up with diabolical yet funny ways to torture our W's and the OW

[sunshine76]

I haven't slept in 2 days so I think I am getting a little punchy. Everytime I close my eyes I envision my W sleeping with the OW. I have tried to envision a stop sign like some people have suggested, but I just end up ripping the sign out of the ground and smacking the two of them around with it.

Maybe it's time for a cocktail