Gineen...despite everything else...I still have a conscience, and I still feel bad that I hurt her like I did. I'm remorseful. I find it hard to live with...that I trested those that I cared about the most the way I did. That's not 'not forgiving myself'...I think it's simply being remorseful and having a conscience.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Even though I feel like I want to communicate with her (to apologize for my behavior during the marriage, and share some things with her that I never got to say), would it be a mistake to do so? I still feel an emotional affinity to her. I believe that she still hurts because she was treated the way she was, despite what's been said, and I feel bad for it. Even though I know our marriage is over, I still care about her.
Do I have to stop caring in order to get my power back? Do I need to stop any and all communication? She got hooked up with her new guy back in early October. For the previous 6 months we were communicationg in a pleasant and joking manner regularly.
Is it just stupid and non-productive for me to attempt any communication with her at all? Would it interfere with any progress that I've made over the past 7 weeks? Would it interfere with my future progress?
I'm just sad about the whole damn thing. The emotional divorce is damn hard to me, and I'm really struggling with it. I've already suffered through the physical divorce, including all of the awful legal aspects and the distress and hurt that they cause.
Ever since this bad stuff began, once I knew better, I've wanted to fix it. I've wanted to fix she and I, and I wanted to fix our family.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I wasn't wanting to fix her...I was wanting to fix whatever I could between she...and to whatever degree I could. I wasn't wanting to fix a marriage that didn't exist anymore...
"You need to stop communication with her unless it's about the kids. Absolutely. It non-productive and detrimental to both of you right now."
"Don't mean to beat a dead horse here, but leave it alone and let it lie. No communciation unless about the kids, no more apologies."
I don't disagree with the above...I'm just strugglin' right now for some reason. I'm pretty sad and remorseful.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Even though I feel like I want to communicate with her (to apologize for my behavior during the marriage, and share some things with her that I never got to say), would it be a mistake to do so?
Antlers, if you had not said you're sorry, and meant it, maybe there would be a point. But according to YOU, you've said it and meant it. So stop apologizing. It does end up looking self serving
b/c to the wounded spouse it sounds as if you want a clean slate.
She's too wounded to give you that. So leave her alone, be decent and honorable in your dealings with her when they come up but do not make them come up. Just things about the kids that are mandatory...nothing else will help you at this time.
I still feel an emotional affinity to her. I believe that she still hurts because she was treated the way she was, despite what's been said, and I feel bad for it. Even though I know our marriage is over, I still care about her. You are mindreading about what she feels AND why...
if you are correct and she's still nursing wounds you gave her, then when she sees you treating her better, and not speaking ill of her, she can either start healing or not.
I don't see how YOU can help her heal except by minimizing contact with her but making the best of it when you do interact.
Do I have to stop caring in order to get my power back? You must detach to get your power back. You must be in charge of how you feel about YOU and your past and that seems to me, for you, to involve mostly forgiving yourself.
You made an interesting valid distinction between self forgiveness and having a conscience for bad acts. You feel remorse and that IS different -to an extent.
But it's also useless b/c you already said that your actions are different now. IF that is true and lessons were learned, then you must forgive yourself and move on so that you can recoup what is left of your life.
OR you'll be repeating the mistake. Remember when the love of your family was all around you but you ignored it? don't stay stuck in the past and ignore the love of today...b/c that's a form of doing the same thing. You learned some tough lessons. So make the best of what remains
and show that you are a different man today. That's the best you can do -for you, for her and for all your loved ones.....
Do I need to stop any and all communication? She got hooked up with her new guy back in early October. For the previous 6 months we were communicationg in a pleasant and joking manner regularly. if contact stopped when she met new guy, Then back off for now...
IF SHE initiates, then reply with some wit but with zero expectations...ZERO!!
is it just stupid and non-productive for me to attempt any communication with her at all? Would it interfere with any progress that I've made over the past 7 weeks? Would it interfere with my future progress?
it will surely interfere with future progress IF you are pursuing her. Why are you NOW wanting to contact her IF she has withdrawn from you?
If she has withdrawn from contacting you, then back off....or your efforts to show how different you are, will backfire.
I'm just sad about the whole damn thing. The emotional divorce is damn hard to me, and I'm really struggling with it. I've already suffered through the physical divorce, including all of the awful legal aspects and the distress and hurt that they cause.
Ever since this bad stuff began, once I knew better, I've wanted to fix it. I've wanted to fix she and I, and I wanted to fix our family.
then focus on the future and restoring and salvaging what you can.
Be here now.
Don't repeat the mistakes of the past by ignoring the love around you or being offered to you. And make sure you are giving it out too....
you have children who will always want you in their lives if they trust you won't disappoint them.
So again, be here now. That means being in the moment and not spending all your time in regret about yesterday b/c then your future will continue to contain mostly regrets about today.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
But can you be at peace and still feel remorse for for wrong things that you did? Even though you've forgiven yourself for the wrong things you did?
I want to "live and let live and be unattached to past hurts...", I just seem to be struggling.
I'm trying to think of how to explain it. I believe you can not be at peace, if you still have attachment to the remorse. Perhaps because there's still attachment to the pain you feel you caused your W.
Work on pulling that back. Your responsibility is what you did. You further took responsibility to feel bad for what you did (not for how someone else felt about it). And finally, you've forgiven yourself for the action or words and found peace in yourself.
On the other side, something you cannot control. Yes, what you did or said may be bad or harsh. And human nature is to feel hurt when someone hurts us, intentionally or not. In the end, it's your W who needs to take the responsibility of feeling hurt. Nothing you can do about that. Until she owns her own feelings and works through them and lets them go, she cannot find her own peace.
You cannot control that she still (wants to) feel(s) hurt.
Find the peace in yourself. In that, you forgive yourself. Find peace in yourself and you CAN and WILL forgive your W. Find peace within yourself, and you will know forgiveness.
I hope that makes sense. Again, it can be hard to do. It CAN be done, though. With or without your W's forgiveness.
All this pain and remorse you are feeling, you have to understand, it is all you. She is not in your head and couldn't care less. It's all in YOUR head. You are living and reliving a drama and as a result it grows more and more important to you. When you pick up a small stone, in your hand it remains small. Hold it up to your eye and it blocks all that you an see. Perspective is everything.
YOU are hurting, YOU are in pain, YOU are sorry. Do you understand now why your ex doesn't care? It's still all about you! You are projecting on to her. When it isn't about you, then maybe you can talk to her but right now you are holding the stone too close to your eye. You are blind to everything else.
Vent here, but understand, all this drama is in your head. Years from now you will look back and wonder why you expended all that mental energy on it. For the sake of your kids, channel all this energy into something productive for them!
