What else could I have done?

[antlers]

I do not know what your story is exactly. But I do know you feel guilty. If you did things that were horribly wrong then I understand your need for forgiving yourself. You can also examine if you did these things then what is appropriate to fix them in the future and apologies for the past. That would be just

I was mean sometimes. It wasn't because of her. It was because of me. My behavior was reflective of how I felt about myself instead of how I felt about her...but she was on the receiving end. I was a broken person. I fixed it. And I did everything within my power, after the fact, to fix the damage I'd done to her. I couldn't/she wouldn't let me/wasn't receptive to it. It took me 3 years to get to where I could finally forgive mysel, which I have. I still feel bad for having treated her like I did.
But I'm struggling to let go of a painful past, and of her...and that includes letting go of who I was in that relationship.

[25yearsmlc]

Regarding the forgiveness...how do I do that? I mean, in a letter, in a text, e-mail...or do I do it in my mind and heart? Is it a decision I make within myself and then just let it go?


yes it is a decision you make. You let it go and say nothing to her (unless a miracle happens and she asks you for forgiveness)

Forgiveness is a process that begins with a choice and is followed by many more choices... This was a learned skill for me, and it takes more time than I care to recall. SO WORTH IT...

How do I get my power back?

take it back. Forgiving her means letting go of the power you are now giving her by holding onto the pain you feel...


Ever since i became aware that she left emotionally, which was well before she actually left, I've felt like my personal power was gone. It was gone! I still feel like that. How do I get it back?

where the head goes, the heart will, eventually, follow.


Get your head on straight. Figure out who you are and where you want to be.

Get in touch with the positive attributes in you and be a confident man. Be a man only a fool would leave.

KNOW IT and it'll radiate. You'll begin attracting more goodness in your life and more love

and that's going to help you feel better. The power struggle is your internal one.

Take your power back and keep it, OR give it away.

It is up to you and ONLY YOU....

like imagining your life is a novel and you being the author of your life.

Who wrote the last 2 chapters of your life?

How about YOU writing the rest of YOUR novel/life??

Write it how YOU want it to go and make sure YOU are the main character and the hero.

[Iwondertooo]

"and that includes letting go of who I was in that relationship."

Good job. Take that forward. You do that by your choices every single day. Apply to others, pay it forward. You are on your way. Wonder

[antlers]

I hate it that I can't take the knowledge and experience that I have now and go back and 'fix' things. Wish I could.

[antlers]

Why do I still want to send her another apology for treating her badly for years? It still makes me feel bad that I was such an ass. I am truly sorry that I treated her the way I did....and she harbors much resentment and hate to this day. She says I never loved her. I wish she didn't hate me, and I wish she knew that I did love her (I especially wish she knew that for her own benefit). She does not buy that 'my behavior was reflective of how I felt about myself instead of how I felt about her'. It is true though....I was a broken person. I'm just sad that I treated her like I did. I was standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst for many years. I had water (love from her and the kids) all around me, and I didn't drink it.
Although I've forgiven myself, I still have a conscience...I still feel bad about it. I find my behavior towards those I cared about the most pretty damn hard to live with.

[mainemom1]

You have already asked for forgiveness. That is enough. Now it seems she hates you in direct proportion to how much it bothers you. If you can at least fake that its not really concerning you anymore than maybe it will eventually die on her side as well. If it doesn't she is probably being really irrational about her hatred. I know the less I engage my ex the better I feel. I wasn't the most fabulous wife but I also didn't expect him to bail without trying and start a relationship with someone else. He seemed angry with me but I refuse to go there anymore. Anytime I did it esculated. Now that I don't its already better, not great but better. I don't feel as bad and we don't have any sort of confrontation. I just try to stick to the facts with him. I still vent to family and friends but even that is less than it was. The relationship is over and I am working very hard to cut my losses. Whether he forgives me or not is irrelevant.

[SunFunOne]

A long time ago, my ex said to me "You could NEVER forgive me". I replied "I could forgive you but you have never shown any remorse." Personally, I think that forgiveness needed to be earned.

You are still in a very angry, hurt mode. Until you resolve those issues - I think you will still struggle with it all. And yours is 2 fold. You have your own behaviour that you are not forgiving yourself for.

I get the feeling that you want an instant fix. Well - didn't we all. But it does not happen that way. It takes time and effort - just as it does with any goal.

Why not make adopting a new attitude/behaviour part of your New Year's resolution?

Barb

[antlers]

I've apologized many times over the past 3 years. It doesn't seem to have mattered. And I've asked for forgiveness in several instances over the last 3 years. She refuses to give it.
"The relationship is over and I am working very hard to cut my losses."...I think that accepting that and 'letting go' is the key for me. I think that, in and of itself, will help me more than anything at this point. I'm struggling with it, but I certainly want to do it.

"Whether he forgives me or not is irrelevant."...that is what I'm being told also here by many regarding my circumstances. It makes all the sense in the world, and I believe it's true. It's just hard to do. But I want to truly have that attitude...that knowledge and belief.

[antlers]

I have owned my mistakes and I'm a better man for it. And I've had tremendous remorse. She refuses to forgive me. Period. At least so far.
She hasn't owned anything. And she's had no remorse. At all. At least to my knowledge.
Barb, I'm tremendously more hurt than I am angry. I have truly forgiven myself, after working to be able to do that for 3 solid years. But I still have a conscience, and I still feel bad that I hurt her like I did.
After over 3 years of this misery, there is no 'instant' anything! Considerable time has passed, but I've only really been putting forth real effort to let go since Halloween. I've made some progress. I want to keep progressing in a positive way.

"Why not make adopting a new attitude/behaviour part of your New Year's resolution?"...that is an outstanding suggestion, and one that I intend to do!

[antlers]

I honestly believe in my heart that, since God has forgiven me and I've finally forgiven myself...that alone should be enough.