A long time ago, my ex said to me "You could NEVER forgive me". I replied "I could forgive you but you have never shown any remorse." Personally, I think that forgiveness needed to be earned.
You are still in a very angry, hurt mode. Until you resolve those issues - I think you will still struggle with it all. And yours is 2 fold. You have your own behaviour that you are not forgiving yourself for.
I get the feeling that you want an instant fix. Well - didn't we all. But it does not happen that way. It takes time and effort - just as it does with any goal.
Why not make adopting a new attitude/behaviour part of your New Year's resolution?
