What else could I have done?

[antlers]

Why do I still want to send her another apology for treating her badly for years? It still makes me feel bad that I was such an ass. I am truly sorry that I treated her the way I did....and she harbors much resentment and hate to this day. She says I never loved her. I wish she didn't hate me, and I wish she knew that I did love her (I especially wish she knew that for her own benefit). She does not buy that 'my behavior was reflective of how I felt about myself instead of how I felt about her'. It is true though....I was a broken person. I'm just sad that I treated her like I did. I was standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst for many years. I had water (love from her and the kids) all around me, and I didn't drink it.
Although I've forgiven myself, I still have a conscience...I still feel bad about it. I find my behavior towards those I cared about the most pretty damn hard to live with.