Curve balls? Heck, I don't even play softball!!!

[In_Shock]

thanks-- i do know W is having a hard time in her own way. She has told me that exactly -- BUT I still think....'yeah, but you have OW to run to....and then I get, well, really hurt.

She is going out with OW TWICE tomorrow....She hasn't said where in the morning, then to church at night. W NEVER goes to church. Must be love huh? (blah). I have a friend who said her ex never would get on a plane for her, but when he met someone new, he started to fly all over the country. We discussed the possibility of WAS and brain tumors...LOL...25 has alluded to that as well!! It's so bizarre.

I am really really having a rough time today. (and for the past few) LIke I have said, I always loved xmas, but this year all I see are reminders of family, love, etc.. etc... and it makes me want to puke/slit my wrists *just kidding*
Found out today that MIL has met OW and thinks she's "nice'. Wonderful....feel the love and all that sh@t!~
Know what I mean?? I try to have PMA -- but right now I feel disposable. I know, I know.... but im trying to honestly identify my feelings. I feel angry, abandoned, lost and hurt. W has told me she always knew I loved her and that I tried SO hard to please her. My thought is then.... WHY bail out on US if you knew all that??? She has said that she felt that I didn't view her as an equal--- totally NOT true b/c I'e always felt she was smarter, etc.. than me.... I guess I didn't show it. She said my emotional growth wasn't fast enough. I thought I was showing my love by trying to connect in ways she said she needed..... but anyway. What's the point of all this? These are all things she's told me that are weighing on my mind tonight as xmas approaches. I keep wanting to blame myself and then I remember how hard I really have tried to please her. I may not have done what she wanted/been what she needed, but dammit, I didn't sit by complacent. I TRIED. and I am still trying....

I want my family. WAW has said 'no never again, i don't love you that way, ---- script script script...fill in the rest." I am so thankful that I have this MB where i have learned not to believe what they say, but most importantly: If a R changes, it can change again *for the better!! and NOT to give up hope.

I am going to focus tomorrow on playing with S-- we may go see the chipmunks movie -- I will probably let him open ONE gift tomorrow in anticipation of the big day. He's getting a bike with training wheels. He will LOVE that!!!! I'm excited to see his face when he gets it. If we didn't have S, I would be much more able to give up----but I SOOOOO want my family. Why does it have to HURT so much??

Every time I read an obit where someone has been married some really long time, say 56 years (my parents) I just think -- and sometimes say aloud --- How in the world did they manage it???? HOW??? I know how hard I tried, and still look where I am in my R. I think a lot of it is the disposable society we've created. It's easier to bail out and move on than to fix the problems. The older generation didn't grow up with the mentality we see today. They stuck it out and worked through the problems. I think many of us LBS were just born too late.