Im so tired of feeling this way....I really want to fast forward to a year from now and be happy and over this and moved on...i know we have to do the hard work but Im at the point were I just am sick if it...i feel beat down, and the acting "as if" is getting harder and harder.
Ive kept myself busy all weekend, special olympics christmas party with S21 was fun, always it and got my mind off what is going on. Even S21, on the way to party commented on how last year H and S14 were with us. This year it was just me and S21 but we had a good time.
went out to dinner and had a drink with S28 and talked about xmas..he is trying to get some nice gifts for brothers so xmas wont be so bad, but he is so angry at H....a few weeks ago I had finally confronted H on the fact that he has had no contact with S21 or S28 in 5 months and how does he justify raising those kids as his own and treating them this way and he told me he had called S28 a few times and he "doesnt even have the decentcy to call me back"..I asked S28 about this and he said thats a lie..he hasnt called me once....yet another lie...
I get that people get D every day...what I dont understand is the complete abandonment that he has chosen...it has detereiorated to absolutely no contact and not even the basic human compation of checking to see if the family you had for 19 yrs are ok during the holidays...nothing..not even a text to say hey what is the plan for S14s christmas presents..or for that matter what is the plan for christmas..can I see him for xmas eve or xmas day? Im assuming it will be the same as Thanksgiving and he wont see him at all since it hasnt been brought up..he spends that time with her now and seems perfectly happy about it.
last night a friend of mine (our maid of honor in our wedding) who is friends with him on fb told me he posted a song on his wall by Tim McGraw called better then I use to be...i listened to it and it made me sick...he thinks that totally cutting off the family he had for the last 19 yrs and not giving a sh#$ what happens to them is "better then i use to be"...
I use to think that the man I knew could not live with how he is treating us and eventually he would realize what he has done and feel horrible about it...im realizing that the man i knew is dead and gone...and he will never see what he has done. He thinks what he has done is good and right. I will always be here for my kids and do what I have to do to protect and take care of them. I will be able to look at myself in the mirror and know that I did my best and handled this whole thing with dignity and did not stoop to his level. But my heart will NEVER be the same. I feel like I am totally broken and will never trust anyone again. I hope i feel this way because its still fresh..and im going to do what I can do to change that. I dont want to be the bitter woman for the rest of my life...but man, they make it hard work.....
Me:48 H:42 M: 18 yrs. S: 9/1/09 due to alcoholic H D bomb: 9/9/11 OW confirmed 10/30/11 D papers filed 11/01/11 S15 S21(Special needs) S28
Look to yourself, It is there that all your answers are found...
Integrity is something that means something to all of us. ... and you're right ITM, that it's hard not to be bitter. The heart wants what the heart wants, even though we know in our heads that they've gone right loose in the head.
Take care of you. And take care of your kids. It's good that your S28 sees/knows the pain your H is causing. He's not about to give him a free pass for it either. Good for him.
Hugs Abs
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
I really dont like what this has turned into...i dont want S14 to see his parents acting this way, not able to have a conversation...not able to even look at each other, but i dont know how to get this to a better point.. H is in attack mode at even a simple request..he has consistantly not contacted me on time frames of when he will pick up and drop off S14, (he will text S14 and say on my way, but the time is never the same and he doesnt let ME know) i finally sent a text and ver nicely asked could you please let me know the time you will be picking S14 up and not just S14?..his response was "yes, mom"...he knows that statement would be hurtfull..its been a jab of his..that i mothered him. How can i communicate with that..im not going to get on his level so its gone to no communication at all.. And now the meeting with lawyer tomorrow...i feel horrible that we will be signing papers and it will end in this way..with both of us so angry and defensive...but i dont know how to fix it.. I think i said that i spoke to the co parenting C after i walked out last week, i felt i owed her an apology, she told me H made next appt for tues...i was shocked he STILL wants to continue, and told her i would no longer be going. It seems pointless since H is following nothing that is suggested. I feel like i just ned to go dark and leave it at that, but i know my S14 hates that..i dont know what to do...
Me:48 H:42 M: 18 yrs. S: 9/1/09 due to alcoholic H D bomb: 9/9/11 OW confirmed 10/30/11 D papers filed 11/01/11 S15 S21(Special needs) S28
Look to yourself, It is there that all your answers are found...
Im so tired of feeling this way....I really want to fast forward to a year from now and be happy and over this and moved on...i know we have to do the hard work but Im at the point were I just am sick if it...i feel beat down, and the acting "as if" is getting harder and harder.
I totally get the desire to fast forward. They say the way through the pain is THROUGH It but I still found changing perspectives helpful Seeing the upsides even in the dark times.. They exist you know...
Ive kept myself busy all weekend, special olympics christmas party with S21 was fun, always it and got my mind off what is going on. Even S21, on the way to party commented on how last year H and S14 were with us. This year it was just me and S21 but we had a good time.
went out to dinner and had a drink with S28 and talked about xmas..he is trying to get some nice gifts for brothers so xmas wont be so bad,
It may not be "BAD" at all. A lot depends on your attitude. You are still a family. Your older sons have a father not married to you and they survived...and your 28 y/o sounds lovely as a big brother.
but he is so angry at H....a few weeks ago I had finally confronted H on the fact that he has had no contact with S21 or S28 in 5 months and how does he justify raising those kids as his own and treating them this way and he told me he had called S28 a few times and he "doesnt even have the decentcy to call me back"..I asked S28 about this and he said thats a lie..he hasnt called me once....yet another lie... So how did confronting your h about his failures as a stepdad and father, work out for you? What did it accomplish?
Do you think if you had not said a word to him, that he would not remember the boys? Do you think he has really forgotten them?
See, I believe guilting him converts into resentment/justification on his end. I don't think it serves any purpose
but I know why you did it. I understand...just want you to stop feeling like crap AND worsening the situation.
Detaching helps you for sure, and I think it MAY help the situation too.
I get that people get D every day...what I dont understand is the complete abandonment that he has chosen...
IMO-he does Not believe he is "abandoning" them OR that he'll be out of their hair for long.
Most Walk away fathers (& moms for that matter) believe they'll have time "LATER" on to make it all up to the kids...
sometimes they do and sometimes they run out of time. Life is shorter than most of us realize.
it has detereiorated to absolutely no contact and not even the basic human compation of checking to see if the family you had for 19 yrs are ok during the holidays...nothing.. he does not need to if you are talking to him about them or confronting him or if he feels attacked and defensive when you call...
it's not truly "No contact" is it? What happens if you really pull back and let the Ls handle things?
See, I think he'd pay you more. AND I think he'd stop blaming YOU b/c the lawyer is there to take the heat. That's what we get paid for, deflecting the ugly stuff that happens in divorces.
There are times that having lawyers More involved leads to more reconciliation, assuming you picked the right kind.
not even a text to say hey what is the plan for S14s christmas presents..or for that matter what is the plan for christmas..can I see him for xmas eve or xmas day? Im assuming it will be the same as Thanksgiving and he wont see him at all since it hasnt been brought up.. assume your h is in the Australian bush for now and he's not reachable...
he spends that time with her now and seems perfectly happy about it.
Don't mind read. There is no way he does not miss them...no way.
He's shelving his pain for now b/c he is used to numbing himself...if he were that happy, he'd be seeing his boys.
last night a friend of mine (our maid of honor in our wedding) who is friends with him on fb told me he posted a song on his wall by Tim McGraw called better then I use to be...i listened to it and it made me sick...he thinks that totally cutting off the family he had for the last 19 yrs and not giving a sh#$ what happens to them is "better then i use to be"...
he is Not drinking and there is some peace in his life...so maybe he's telling himself that at least there are some positives.
I don't think this is about you
I use to think that the man I knew could not live with how he is treating us and eventually he would realize what he has done and feel horrible about it...im realizing that the man i knew is dead and gone...and he will never see what he has done. He thinks what he has done is good and right.
lots of mind reading here^^^ Not helping you...All you can control and all you ought to focus on now is YOU and your sons.
What are your 180s again? And how are you doing with GAL?
I will always be here for my kids and do what I have to do to protect and take care of them. I will be able to look at myself in the mirror and know that I did my best and handled this whole thing with dignity and did not stoop to his level. great stuff^^^ !!!
But my heart will NEVER be the same. your heart may be scarred but it will heal. And where scars form, the tissue is often stronger. Same goes for broken bones that calcify and get harder where the break once was.
You can and WILL HEAL from this.
I feel like I am totally broken and will never trust anyone again. I hope i feel this way because its still fresh.. you do/it is.
THE question of When you will feel better depends mostly on YOU...so are you ready to feel better?
Okay then...
and im going to do what I can do to change that. I dont want to be the bitter woman for the rest of my life...but man, they make it hard work.....
Yes they do...
Be bEtter, Not bItter....
Be a woman only a fool would leave. Be the best woman you can be. Model for your sons what that is and looks like.
Lose the anger b/c as you are now realizing, the anger is consuming YOU....not hurting him at all. And Holding onto anger to hurt someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in his eyes.
He is not your problem anymore.
You are in charge of your happiness so let's go create a new life for you that has a lot of it!!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I have been on a mission to GAL so havent had a minute to post since meeting with attorney...
I think it went ok...nothing was signed but we did work out most of the loose ends and get custody and everything down..all except for support..he forgot his paystb so we have to go back to work that out. He agreed to everything we asked. Except when my attorney asked him if he could give me some money for christmas he said no....that didnt surprise me.
I managed to get threw it without crying...until he left, and then my attorney looked at me and said " by the way, you can do soooo much better..hes not that cute...". It made me laugh... Knowing that eventually me and the boys are going to be ok financially has taken a huge load off...and im feeling a lot stronger today. H text me this morning saying that he didnt want things to be this way (not speaking) and that he had seen a change in me the last 3 months and he wished i had been that way in our marriage and maybe this wouldnt have happened. He didnt know what he wanted in life but he would always live me..... No mention of his alcoholism...or A..it is all still my fault..no accountability for his part...i didnt bother to respond. Im so over the selfishness..he doesnt want it this way but he will let my kids wake up to nothing xmas morning???
I feel like im turning a corner here...i feel my self comeing back, i dont want to let him drag me into his hole. He can screw me over all he wants but when it comes to my kids...thats a whooole other ball game...
Me:48 H:42 M: 18 yrs. S: 9/1/09 due to alcoholic H D bomb: 9/9/11 OW confirmed 10/30/11 D papers filed 11/01/11 S15 S21(Special needs) S28
Look to yourself, It is there that all your answers are found...
ITM, it sounds like it went as well as could be expected. I'm glad he didn't get downright ugly.
Yep, he's being a seriously selfish pr!ck. Sorry, that is almost typical. Heck, D is a selfish act. In some cases it's an act of self-preservation which is, indeed, selfish but we are all responsible for our own survival and he must feel on some level that he wouldn't survive otherwise. You seem to be coming to realize that he puts it all back on you so that he can feel more justified in his decision.
I'm really in no frame of mind right now to be helpful, but just know that I am thinking of you and your kids. Be well, and make this Christmas special for only the things you can do for your kids instead of what you can get for them.
HUGS!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
3 more days and i can say ive made it through this crap... My bday is the day after xmas, so im counting that to..i have never felt so lonely, insignificant or unwanted in my life so i can imagine how my boys must feel.. I need to remember this feeling when i start telling myself how much i miss him...really???... Still no mention at all of seeing S14 for christmas, must not fit into the plans he has with OW...and no mention of helping out with some money for xmas..i really cant stop wishing bad things for him today...so much negative energy..ive got to stop...maybe a run will help. Going to make a spaghetti dinner for xmas..i make homeade sauce and happen to have some frozen from last batch...thanks for the ideas ladies.. If im not on before..MERRY CHRISTMAS we will get through this and be better woman for it.. Heres to coal in there stocking....and reindeer poop in there yard...hee-hee
Me:48 H:42 M: 18 yrs. S: 9/1/09 due to alcoholic H D bomb: 9/9/11 OW confirmed 10/30/11 D papers filed 11/01/11 S15 S21(Special needs) S28
Look to yourself, It is there that all your answers are found...
Focus on the kids and just spending some fun time with them. I swear your H will eventually regret this...he's so far gone that you should not feel bad about yourself. Try a run...that does usually help.
I wish I could help you with $ or take you to dinner tonight!
Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday...you will be stronger for this in the end.
M 44, H 46 D11, D9, D5 Married 12 years PA confirmed 9/2011 I filed 3/2012 H moved out 7/2012
