Too little, Too late.

[purgatory]

God must have known that I needed some support today- I'm so blessed to come here and see that I have encouraging words from y'all.... thank you so much!

First off:
labug: I saw the new Mission Impossible. No love story, action kept going from the first minute and some good eye candy (Tom cruise is a little crazy off screen, but he's easy on the eyes)
bren: I am slowly working on forgiving myself. The hardest part to accept is that I don't remember everything because of my fugue state. The more things I find out (from friends and family, not just my H), the more I realize how out of control I really was- a hard truth to swallow. I like your idea of the sticky notes, I might have to borrow that one
sun: " like to hear a song about my W getting run over by a reindeer"... this made me laugh, and I really needed a laugh today!

So here's what happened today:
I had another appointment with a new pulmonology specialist. I was hoping to get a second opinion, but this one agreed with the first one about what my condition could possibly be. He ordered about 6 procedures and 4 blood tests and then the final one will be a heart catheter to officially diagnose... I'm really bummed. **If the diagnosis is what he suspects, there is no cure- only medicine and therapy to prolong the life expectancy of 10-20 years... kinda scary**
So I called H on the way home and told him what the doctor said. All I got in response was: "Ok. So we have a game plan." I was stunned that was all he had to say. We talked about the kids schedule today, and then I couldn't help myself. I asked him what he felt when I told him the news. He said that it sounds scary and he felt bad for me. I was starting to tear up so I made up and excuse and got off the phone. I had about a 45 minute drive home- not easy to do with tears causing my mascara to run in my eyes. H called me about 30 minutes later, and simply said: "How are holding up?" (I was surprised and wondered what changed in him) I couldn't hold it in, I said: "I'm really not ok. I just got new that is very scary, I have procedures to go through that are scary and I really need someone to give me a hug and tell me that everything will be ok, and you can't do that right now. So I don't have a choice, I have to work through this on my own and deal with it." I quickly got off the phone.
When I walked in the door, H was right there and grabbed me into a hug (I cried into his shoulder) He said "I'm still your friend and I care about you." We sat on the couch and we talked about what the doctor said and I gave him details about the procedures I have to do. He offered to come to any of them, if I wanted him there. I simply told him that I appreciate that and would think about it. We talked about what the diagnosis would mean for the family... he started talking about possibly getting me an extra insurance plan- because after the D, I would loose my military insurance, and another company might not give me coverage with a serious pre-existing condition. I was really upset that he was talking about the D while I was already upset, and I asked him if we could discuss this later- he apologized.
He and his brother had plans to go out after I got back from the H.... His brother came in from the other room and said he heard a little about what was going on, I filled in a few details (started tearing up) and he gave me a big hug. [I haven't had a hug from H in over a month, and today I got one from him and his brother.. lucky me!] H saw this, and announced that they weren't going out anymore, his brother agreed. They said that I shouldn't be alone right now. I knew how much my H had been looking forward to hanging out with his brother alone, I told them they could go anyways. They both kinda yelled at me for being silly and said they weren't going anywhere. We all watched a movie and ate cupcakes (that I made yesterday cause I'm awesome!] I thanked them both for staying with me and giving me a great distraction.

Here's my emotional problem, I don't want to get excited that my H showed concern when he called me the second time nor when he cancelled his plans to stay at home with me.... but it does make me feel good. I've been telling myself 'have no expectations!!' then there's that little voice in the back of my head that says: 'see, he still cares. we still have a chance."

I need his support to get through this, but how do I tell my heart that it's not going to change anything?