Like Two Sparrows in a Hurricane (1)

[MAL]

The executive summary per Kaffe’s request:


+ here are some things that RC did that bothered me
He didn’t always realize when he neglected making time for me. I know how he felt about me, but it would have been nice for him to see that sometimes. But I am also to blame because I didn’t always tell him when it happened. Part of it was pride, and part of it was fear of being hurt again.

I like getting flowers. He would forget that I liked that.

Okay, this one is the biggest one I think.
I know that in his marriage they seemed to have a decent physical relationship. He didn’t go into details of course, but based on what he said, I can tell.

He is very old fashioned and religious when it comes to sexual things. I am somewhat, but not as much as he is. I know his late wife thought the same thing about him based on our conversations.

I was actually the one who initiated our first kiss. After that, we were fine. He would touch me, hold my hand, etc…, but he was never one for big sexual advances. We used to “make out” but when we started growing apart, that changed. He didn’t initiate. I tried, but we kind of lost that in our R.

I tried at first, but then gave up. After being on the DB boards for so long, I knew better than that.

I don’t know if I am HD in that area, but I’m definitely stronger in that area than he is. If we had worked harder, I think we could have overcome that.

This is probably the biggest thing that bothered me.


+ here are some things that I did that may not have been productive
When he didn’t meet my needs, I didn’t always tell him. I gave up on trying. I expected him to figure it all out. I don’t hink that is always the case, and sometimes I think it’s okay to give a nudge.

I worked too much.

Toward the last couple of months before we broke it off, I didn’t look forward to his evening phone calls as much. They became more of a bother. Sigh…

I didn’t attend church regularly. I believe that should be the center of any relationship, but other things got in the way, took my time, and sometimes Sunday was a good day for me to sleep in. I also had some health issues relating to the stress and working so much. So sometimes I would be sick.

+ this is what I want
I don’t know how to answer this one. Should I say what I want in a R? Or life? Or from RC?

+ this is what I'm planning on doing
I need to think about this one some more. I have really spent the past couple of days trying to get my head around what has been happening with us.

But for now, I can say:
I am going to do the things in life that bring me joy.
I am going to try to avoid contact with him unless he contacts me. I won’t see him for the next week and a half, so it’s good timing.
I will respond if he contacts me via text or phone. But I will continue to keep it light.
I will still go to the Rec Center twice a week. If he is there, great, but still lighthearted and as friends.

I am not sure how to behave on 1/1, assuming he brings his lady friend to church. Normally I would sit with him, but I know that is not appropriate. Would it be rude for me to sit somewhere else? It would be apparent what I am doing. I don’t know if she will be there, but I need a plan either way.