There's a whole bunch of stuff that you've written that really is great stuff to reflect on.

While you felt you were showing appreciation, she asked you to stop.

Would that be because she doesn't want appreciation, or is it because she doesn't want it from you, or is it because it is not how she feels appreciated?

Generally, people don't ask us to do something for them, if they like how it feels...

Also, the bit about giving without receiving. So important, yet difficult, to give unconditionally.

Eventually, we need our needs met.

But it's not about keeping score, nor is it about giving conditionally. But it is important to know that a WAS generally leaves because their needs aren't being met. WAS is just a label and like MLC, it can be viewed negatively. Yet we would probably encourage anyone to quit their job if they weren't being paid. So if we were the ones who, over an extended period of time were not getting our needs met... well... we'd become the WAS...

What are your needs? Does your W know what they are? Have you asked (in a positive way) for them to be met? You don't have to tell your W to meet them. And you shouldn't expect your W to meet them.

Your W may think you should just KNOW what her needs are. Or maybe she THINKS she told you what her true needs are, but didn't take the time to ensure you understood.

I met my W's needs in many ways, more so and especially at the beginning of my M. Yet... over time I withdrew and I found my needs being met less and less. It's interesting to see how that happens.

I too focused a lot on the money, because my W seemed so focused on it. Yes... she was... yet while I took my role as stay at home parent very seriously... I also really enjoyed it and in the end, I chose that over getting a real job and financially supporting the family (or financially supporting the family in a stronger way; as I did bring in money to the family).

So again, is it about the money? Or has that simply become the token elephant in the room which draws focus on the many things that both of you can provide to each other and remain connected or regain your connection?

I do feel you have a good perspective of being the best you and keep moving forward and growing as you can.